Adam and Eve
March 24, 2005
"Why in hell aren't you worshiping me, Satan?" Adam
asked, while scratching his nuts. Adam was standing on a stage,
well above hundreds of angels, all of whom had kneeled before him
except Satan. "Are you referring to me?" Satan replied. "No,
I'm talkin' to the other spirit with flames comin' out
of his ass...of course I'm talkin' to ya!" Adam
" Are you referring to me?" Satan enquired. "Yes,
yes, you Deniro- wanna- be. I feel like I'm talkin' to
that soldier in 'Taste of Cherry'. What are you, deaf?"
Satan responded: "I do not respect you because you do not
deserve what you have been given, namely the power to create. You
can not anticipate the consequences of your action. And to show
my objection, I will leave Paradise immediately." Adam laughed
and told Satan that one may not just leave paradise like that: "Satan,
one may not just leave paradise like...that."
" Honestly, I was volunteering here," Satan replied, "because
I wanted to get a job in Paradise. But I have had it up to here;
first I had to mow the lawn in Paradise, and now this! I have to
bow to you just because you have balls. I am more intelligent than
all present here. I do not deserve this...all this, just because
I look different?"
Adam answered: "Hang on fire- ball! Let me tell you something.
I saw 'The Exorcist' twice. Actually, I liked the part
that the little girl was bouncing up and down on the bed and I
could see her underwear. Now...what was I saying? Yeah, I know
all about you. I'd destroy Iraq just to stop all the evil
and terror. I bet you'd really enjoy doing all those horrible
things to little girls to make them look ugly and old. I cast thee
" Adam, hear my last words," Satan replied. "You
will never overcome your weakness as you will always be guided
by your senses. Your selfish needs will enslave you. You are truly
a most tragic and lonely creation and creator...lonelier than all
other beings! Unless you choose to refuse to choose, to refuse
to create, your story will end with self- destruction."
Soon after Satan left, Adam looked towards other angels and announced: "My
story will end with self- destruction! Ooooh, I'm wetting
my...leaves. Blah blah! It's like...I didn't ask for
your life story buddy. I'm here to entertain and be entertained.
But Satan has really good skin though, it's so tan...get
it? So tan?! Why I hear no clapping?"
Adam spent his first few days exploring his surroundings in Paradise,
accompanied by a Persian cat. They watched the sunset together.
Adam learned to make fire. Adam learned to write on stones. Adam
learned to grow vegetables. Adam learned that Paradise sucked!
On their last day together, Adam and the cat were watching an
eagle struggling with its prey. "I have so many questions
about my purpose...my future...so many philosophical questions...questions
about civilization and culture. But most importantly, " Adam
asked, "which way to the crapper? I gotta take a shit real
" I am hungry and thirsty," pronounced Adam as he emerged
from a special bush. They headed eastward and soon reached a river
with the clearest and tastiest water. It ran across a most beautiful
forest with fruit trees of all type. Adam looked at the cat:
- I can't take it anymore. I feel like I'm nailed
down to this place. This is torture.
- Everything is boring and repetitive. Doing and...eating the
same thing everyday.
- You have anything else here...you guys got Pepsi?
- You know, the one with the honey from "Desperate Housewives",
in the commercial?
- Pepsi, man...I mean cat.
- I'm sick of drinking this shit. It's either water
or honey. Sickening! Real sickening!
- Always this or that vegetarian shit. Naaaw man. Let's
order in today...Domino's or whatever.
- Man, I thought having a cat would be funny, like Garfield; but
it's annoying...like Garfield.
Later on, Adam barbecued the cat for lunch. He then walked to
an ant hill, which was not far from the river. This had become
a hobby of his, to watch the ants transport food to the hill. As
soon as he arrived, he shouted: "Heeeere's Johnny!!!" He
sat down and started watching the ants. After a while, he walked
away towards the river. Shortly, he came back and sat on his knees,
close to the ant hill.
Suddenly he opened his mouth and water poured down on the ants.
Many ants were washed away while others were struggling to get
back on their feet. Adam kicked at the ant hill, nearly destroying
it, and fell down on his back, laughing hysterically: "Haha...tsunami...quake...ugly
boring ants...no more food for you...haha...no more food for you."
A couple of days later, two angels were talking as a third one
Angel1: So it's agreed. From now on, Paradise will be called
Angel2: You know, just because you are whiter than the rest of
Angel1: Don't start the racist stuff again! Every spirit's
Angel3: Good day spirits, I have something urgent to tell you.
Angel2: What is up?
Angel3: We must stop Satan from making Adam do all these horrible
Angel1: Like what?
Angel3: He is eating the animals, pissing in the rivers, destroying
Angel2: But Satan is away on vacation in Purgatory. It's
cooler than Hell, I hear.
Angel1: Yeah, I hear he gets a month vacation every billion years
Angel3: So if Satan is away, then is Adam responsible for all
these evil acts?
Adam: Wazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzup spirit buddies?
Angel2: Enough Adam! I told you we are angels, not ghosts. Stop
wearing a white blanket!
Adam: But I'm not Adam.
Ghost1: Shut up!
Some time later, one evening, a gigantic eagle flew down towards
Adam and dropped off an object into Adam's hands. "Sweet...the
first season of 'The O.C.' on DVD," Adam announced
as he waved at the eagle. He added, "I have been thinking...I
wanna change my name cause Adam sounds gay. I wanna be George,
Michael, Jack,...or Arnold. Also, couldn't we just cut down
all these trees and build some stuff, like Gatsby's great
house in 'The Great Gatsby'...starring Robert Redford?"
" Oh yeah, and if we could replace that shrine with a huge
casino, it would go well with those beer- filled rivers I had asked
for...and the Wine Falls, and the red strip clubs." The white
eagle suddenly turned back and flew...flew over Adam and headed
Adam waved at the eagle and leaned back against an apple tree. "I
wonder what that eagle's genitals would taste like," he
murmured. Moments later, a beautiful snake appeared from behind
the tree. "Adam, to be or not...." Before the snake had
a chance to finish, Adam grabbed the snake's head and crushed
it against the tree. "Take that!" he pronounced. "Be
gone these symbolically homosexual temptations!"
Suddenly an apple fell on Adam's head. "Son of a...," Adam
screamed at the tree. However, soon after, Adam wondered why the
apple had fallen on his head. He took a step away from the tree. "There
is no mistakin'...this is sign of evil." He picked up
the apple. "I shall eat thee, and thy evil shall be gone...into
my stomach." Just as he was about to take a bite, an angel
" STOP! Do not eat that apple!" the angel spoke. "Why
not?" Adam enquired. "You have been urinating here so
often...that apple might poison you," the angel added. Adam
laughed and replied: "Be gone...I am sickened of thy advice.
I shall eat this, and this, I shall...eat."
Moments later Adam was sick to his stomach. "God, why have
thou forsaken me? Why all this evil...I do not deserve this. I
blame thee, solely thee, for this," Adam screamed as he rolled
over and took another bite of the apple. "Why are thou doing
this to me God? What have I done to thou? I never asked to be created.
What is this horrible pain I feel?" He rolled over again. "I
am in deep shit. Send me a sign that you still care...send me a
sign...a sign...send me a sign, thou holiest of...things."
Elsewhere, the following conversation took place:
Angel: Hi. You must be Eve.
Eve: I'm Eva Longoria...you know, from "Desperate
Housewives"...Eve for short.
Angel: I don't....
Eve: I was told the show is very popular with angels and other
Angel: I see.
Eve: Well, where is Adam? He is a white guy, right? Is he Adam
Angel: You will find out.
Eve: Let me tell you something though...this is one ugly paradise.
Angel: Adam has destroyed nearly everything.
Eve: You don't say...
Angel: Trees are among the few things left that are reminiscent
of the Paradise as we knew it.
Eve: Oh! Do you guys have a gardener here?
Angel: Satan used to do it but he is on vacation or something.
Eve: Can I tell you something?
Angel: You may.
Eve: I expected you to look like one of those spooky ghosts in "The
The angel looked away and whispered: "I should tell you
that you may never see any of us angels again. Our union has broken
up, and many of us have been laid off due to privatization. Unfortunately
there are no other jobs for good honest spirits. But you and Adam
might need us in future...or now. We will come and go, try to help
you, unseeable and invisible...to you. Except tonight, which we
will spend at Victoria's Secret."
Reader1: Victoria's Secret? That's a mysterious way
to end it, ain't it?
Reader2: It is a funny story, so it does not have to mean anything.
Reader1: The story starts with "Why" and ends with "Secret".
Reader1: Maybe it's a reference to the impossibility of
knowing it all or secrecy of knowledge.
Reader2: Hey bro, you are reading too much into this.
Reader1: Victoria's Secret...sexuality...linking it with
the word "why"...knowledge.
Reader2: For God's sake! It is just supposed to be funny.
Reader1: Or Victoria...victory...success...success comes as a
result of "why"...or knowledge.
Reader3: Would you both shut up! You are ruining it for the rest
Reader4: No, you shut up!