Death of a philosopher
Short story
By B. Dean
January 4, 2003
The Iranian
Part 2
Ankar: How many innocent slaughters does it take to convince you of a wrongdoing?
Does a poet deserve to die if she watches the slaughter of a tribe and pours out
her feelings in verse? Well the prophet thought so, but do you?
These men were ignorant enough to believe that the reward for holy murder is an oasis
heaven with divine hookers or celestial rent boys to give them pleasure for all eternity.
They did it for more food, sex and land because that is the only thing which appealed
to such savages. Of course they also had cash in the way of war booty so it wasn't
just credit on the after life account! Some were genuinely misguided; even today
we get some people who still think that the Earth is flat!
So I ask you, according to such scripture is the almighty concerned about the environment
or science that can make man's life better? No, it has to be a hell-fire drama act
for anyone who dares to be a non-believer of a so and so faith or its 'hey chaps
I gave this land to this lot two thousand years ago and so by the way they can bulldozer
over your family to have it back if they so please!'
I would wish for a day when man would read these texts and try to judge it without
prejudice and with an objective mind and say, no more poetic interpretations, no
more brain washing mambo jumbo that was shoved down my forefathers' throat.
I shall judge this for what it is and if it is hypocritical nonsense that contradicts
itself or every sane law that exists for a civilized society, then I shall slap it
in the bin once and for all and break these chains of bondage. No more "but
my interpretation of religion is love and these sadistic killers have got it all
wrong". If only they could see when it was when the apple started to rot? I
have seen so many men opening their eyes to life and before they know it disappear
like a dim flash of a firefly. If only they could see with my eyes the wasting of
their lives.
So, here we are sitting and judging these disillusioned, confused creatures. Men
who are born as innocent lambs from the wombs of nature and turned into monsters
by the nightmare of this world, or made slaves of other men.
Monkar: Stop all this nonsense. It looks like you need a holiday more than I do.
Have you ever met the Boss?
Ankar: Yes. I was a young cherub holding up one side of Boss's throne. In those days
I loved him so dearly. I still love him. I can't help it. I was designed that way.
I could not take my eyes off his light for one instance.
Monkar: So what happened? How did you become so disillusioned?
Ankar: Ok. I do admit I have changed but I have not become disillusioned. On the
contrary, my eyes became wide open and sometimes I wished they didn't. Ignorance
is bliss as some men say.
It was when I took a bite of the forbidden fruit to do this job.
The first million years was all right. I felt a sense of unity with the simple man.
He was so beautiful, with his lovely, hairy, ape-like family around him, doing all
the funny things other mammals do; fighting for territory, making 'ooh ooh ooh' sounds
and drumming his chest to get the message across.
Then one day he learned to kill. He threw a stone at someone he didn't like, blood
came gushing from the poor guy's forehead and he died.
One day there was an ape, just one that had a burning twinkle in his eyes. We called
him Bright Eyes. The Boss gathered us round and said 'Kneel before this creature;
he is Adam.' We thought it was a joke. God does have a sense of humour, of course,
but he was really serious this time. We were confused because we were not supposed
to kneel before anyone but God and God's laws are not supposed to change.
Then we saw the ape sitting by a fire and we figured out that things were going to
be different from then on. We thought he would stop at making clay pots. But then
we saw Adam taming a dog, a horse and a pig, and we said, 'Hey lads check this out.
Looks like God has really come up with his latest joke; an animal that rides another
animal!' We all clapped because we thought God's humour is the best.
The big crunch came when man cultivated wheat. That was his real forbidden fruit.
From that point he developed civilization and lost his sense of attachment to the
rest of creation and left the Garden of Eden. Symbolic chest-beatings turned into
enslavement of his own brother, war and genocide. And I guess that is when I lost
my faith in man.
Monkar: But I meant the Boss. How was he in those days?
Ankar: Ah yes. I had a new theory about the Boss after that point. I thought, How
does God know he's God? How could you know that you are boundless unless you either
do not know yourself or you are bound within yourself without knowing if there is
anything on the outside?
I then came to the conclusion that the God we know is not God, no matter how powerful
he seems to us angels. We have a God who loses his temper but calls himself the most
compassionate; he changes his mind with every prophet -- and sometimes during the
time of a single prophet -- and he says, 'My rules are eternal.'
He recites his words of wisdom which are compiled in a book. But soon all copies
but one are burnt, some messages are trimmed, and some pages of the only existing
copy are eaten by a goat and they call THIS a miracle. But no one can read or understand
it.
Then it dawned on me: If God made man in his own image, He must be as lost and
scattered as his creature. It must be His artistic expression of anguish from within.
No creature manifested these feelings more than man, who is the holographic image
of the Universe. After all, man is the measure of all things, for he is alone, just
as God is. Perhaps the prophets, especially the last one, are all God Himself because
God did nothing but serve this last one and his whims!
I asked myself, Where does man's longing for being a part of a greater thing come
from? Where does his drive for non-existence (mixed with an urge for survival) come
from? Surely that's a strange mixture. Is that not God screaming through man? Just
look at him! He is always seeking to lose himself in sex, games, worship, TV, movies,
or in a crowd, in a pub pretending he is there with everyone else. In a night club,
losing consciousness for just one moment while dancing -- and it's all because being
"I am" is such a big burden.
I looked at man and I could see that he is fooled by his senses and that he could
never find out the true nature of the universe. I understood God. Man is carrying
God's burden of existence. No wonder the Holy Scripture has punishing sons for the
sins of their fathers! Coincidence? I don't think so. Did this omnipotent God create
Adam to love Him or did Adam create Him to love Him? Why? Did the Universe come first
or did the Universe create God?
Monkar: I think you are getting a bit heavy for me -- and over blasphemous, if I
may say so, Ankar. Let me guess you must have done René
Descartes as a client?
Ankar: I did actually. It was not too much of a coincidence that God calls himself
'I am' when Descartes figured out that the only thing
whose existence can not be diusputed is one's self: "I think, therefore I am."
Whatever I know, I know intuitively that I
am, René said.
Monkar: Wham. That went completely over my head! Did you do any good people?
Ankar: Yep. I did a saint once. I spend a lot of time in a monastery listening to
Halleluiah sung by Casterdi hymn singers. I watch the saint acting saintly all the
time. This woman loved everything and everyone. The taxman would beat up her mother
and she would forgive him. His brother was taken to be a slave, she forgave his captors,
and she forgave even people who burnt her roast crisp. I thought to myself Ok I don't
like seeing men kill each other but this is illogical, because no one could survive
with such ethics. The world would have you for breakfast, and the world, in fact,
did!
Monkar: Let me guess. Was it Joan of Arc?
Ankar: Don't be naive. How many French women do you know who died as saintly virgins?
Actually Joan was a virgin, one of very few for her age of nineteen in France, but
she was more like a psycho on steroids than a saint. Did the Vatican have it wrong
or what! And what did they think? That God would send a saint to put an unworthy
king on a thrown who would eventually betray this so called saint who rampages with
a sword killing the English?
No my friend, no one dies immaculate. It is not the perfection of man that makes
him what he is but rather his aspiration to reach that state. For that you must start
with sin so that you know what you're seeking redemption for. Ok, enough talk. We
have a job to do. Come on, let's cash up. I'll start: Six thousand and twenty lies,
including:
-- One hundred "I'll be careful darling".
-- One hundred "It's in the post".
-- Five hundred "Oh, I forgot".
-- Five hundred "Of course I love you too".
-- Six hundred "I've heard that so and so did so and so" and the rest where
adhoc.
Monkar: I hope you're not counting "I didn't break the vase; it broke by itself"
in the lie category. He was sevenat the time.
Ankar: No I have adjusted my figures for that.
Monkar:
-- Five-thousand loving moments of family devotion.
-- Two hundred instances of helping neighbours.
-- Five hundred cases of helping the poor.
-- A million moments of complete apathy... Is that a sin by the way?
Ankar: No it's a bloody waste of one's life, but not a sin. By the way, are you counting
the 'help to the young female student from city of Rasht?'
Monkar: Yes. What's wrong with that?
Ankar: Well, I hate to pick on your heavenly powers of observation but can't you
remember that in his entire conversation about the evolution of ethics, he was conversing
with her breasts?
Monkar: Come on. He was doing a good deed.
Ankar: He jolly well was. I would have done the same if I was a mortal; she was gorgeous
but you know how funny the Boss gets if the figures are out by even a fraction, even
though her figures were just perfect.
Monkar: I thought you didn't care about what the Boss said!
Ankar: Look I said I could say what I like but I wouldn't go against Boss's will
and risk his wrath. This very compassionate God got millenniums of service from Lucifer
and then over one stupid mistake (which by the way God himself was responsible for
because it was HE who gave Lucifer his ego, sends the poor chap without pay to the
burning fires of hell. Not that Lucifer cared because how can fire be frightened
of fire? Mind you, he was heartbroken; you should have seen his face.
Besides, I'm a professional. I do my job no matter how I feel about the management.
Monkar: What I never figured out was if Lucifer was cast out of heaven; how did he
manage to sneak into heaven and force man to sin?
Ankar: My sentiments exactly. That is why I said God was framed. Ok: We have five
thousand masturbations.
Monkar: I would make that three thousand.
Ankar: How could your figures be off by so much?
Monkar: Ah. Look in the handbook, it says masturbations are ok in the first three
years of puberty. After that, all violators go to hell.
Ankar: Oh yeah. I'll give you that one. Lust. Do we have more lust? Oh yes. Lusting
for his brother's sister-in-law, and the young daughter of the lady in question.
The Rock chick living on the first floor, we have one. The neighbour's wife, we have
five.
Monkar: I would make that four.
Ankar: Did you count Mrs. Banigee?
Monkar: What? That fat old woman next door?
Ankar: It still counts as lust, my friend. Still counts. Besides he is no handsome
charmer himself, is he? Ok, don't forget the strip club and the lap dance. I think
that counts as infidelity.
Monkar: He was just watching. What was wrong with that? He wasn't having sex with
the dancers was he? Besides his son took him there. In the days when he was still
talking to him.
Ankar: You sound like Clinton when he said he wasn't having sex with Monica, rather
she was having sex with him! Come on! If you pay a woman to gyrate her assets three
inches away from your face, that's considered infidelity. He was thinking how it
would be to have sex with her, wasn't he?
Monkar: I dispute that. What does it say in the handbook? We aren't putting down
thoughts that do not manifest into action. That's what I remember from my training
on Monkar -- version 500001.1.3.4.56 -- course. Besides, if women are fruits that
are given by God to his prophet, or cargo or war booty handed to the followers of
the prophet, why can't he just look?
Ankar: Well, the prophet and his followers were making a sacrifice in taking care
of destitute women and bringing them into the faith, weren't they? Bless their sacred
hearts! Besides, the manual says if he had whispered the temporary marriage vows
in the woman's ears in authentic Arabic, it wouldn't have been a sin even if she
was a nine-year-old child, you would then just be following the moral code of the
prophet. But we are dealing with a bookworm intellectual rather than a crafty mullah.
We only have Bahram saying "Oh my goodness" and that will not count as
a temporary marriage vow. Therefore he has sinned!
Monkar: Ah, but this is a version 400733.2.6.4.88 manual, that one is obsolete.
Ankar: So do you have a 500001.1.3.4.56?
Monkar: No, I am carrying a 600000.0.1 which is for the future, and that says it
is a sin to deny your natural instincts and that you either have the love to keep
you devoted to those you call your loved ones or you don't, but that you should be
true to yourself and not create misery for others especially those you pledged to
love. God will send the new manual out when men have turned away from faith.
Ankar: Now let's count the number of times he cheated. How many do we have? He missed
giving two lectures because he was sleeping on his chair in the office.
Monkar: Oh come on! The alarm clock didn't go off?
Ankar: Do you have any idea of the consequences? Because he missed one lecture on
ethics, a student became an agent of the regime, turning in his fellow students.
Monkar: What? You mean one lecture would have made a difference in his ideology?
Come on!
Ankar: Look; I've seen enough mortals to see how one small incident changes their
life and that of others. That kid would have come out of the lecture thinking that
there must be more to life than this, and then join an intellectual group that would
give him the information about studying in Europe. Instead he ended up becoming a
thug. It is very simple; do you remember chaos theory?
Monkar: Yes. A butterfly's fluttering wings can cause a hurricane in large weather
systems because small changes make them lose their equilibrium.
Ankar: That's the one. Now the same principle applies to man's life, which is incidentally
how they say the Boss created the Universe -- with a big bang out of nothing, or
should I say out of everything? Craving chewing gum at a corner shop could mean whether
you become a victim at a crime scene. Action causes reaction and gives birth to a
new chain of actions. Men are the children of their actions and sometimes the victim
of the action of others. Ok, what else? Ah! Tilting the Coke machine to get free
drinks. Not paying for his train fare, and one false overtime sheet at work.
Monkar: You are making him sound like a monster! He was just a regular guy.
Ankar: That is the problem. Everyone is a regular guy, about seven Billion of them.
There is a big hole in the ozone, the ice caps will melt and it's going to be the
end of life as we know it soon and no one person is really responsible because everyone
is a regular guy.
Monkar: I thought God promised Noah not to drown man and he put the rainbow as a
sign of his promise for all eternity.
Ankar: Ah, but when Isaac Newton declared the rainbow the fractioning of sunlight,
God decided to break his promise. In fact since then he has been trying very hard
to hide from man.
Monkar: Why?
Ankar: Because silly, he is embarrassed about his earlier publications that do not
make sense, like the order in which he created the Universe; Adam being 6,000 years
old and the bones of his son's being 100,000 years-old; the seven heavens that the
space shuttle never bumped into; and the moon which was created for reminding the
followers about the the fasting season and not as an equilibrium of gravity and Earth's
rotation around the sun.
Monkar: You don't like God or humans much do you... TO BE CONTINUED
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