SCENE FOUR

MEN'S CHORUS
Fight, men of the world, fight.
There's evil in the air,
It's everywhere,
The smell of tyranny,
A smell of money, foreign money,
Corrupting our women, our wives,
To rise against us, rise,
And take total control of our lives.
Women! What do they know? "Stop it!"
"Invest the military budget in education and Healthcare."
"Negotiate with your enemy- do it nicely!"
Talk to lions and wolves, more likely.
If we want to fight, it's our God-given right.
That's how we negotiate, don't get so uptight.
Men only know how the job is done,
We police the world, keep it safe for our sons.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
You, you old fool? You?
This way, ladies, this way.
It's time to speak,
Give sensible advice.
What have you achieved with your tanks and bombs?
You don't even know what the children want.
Yes, they want land and a peaceful home to grow,
Clear blue skies, the sea with no fence on its shore.
We bring you children, you send them off to die.
We build you a home, you flatten it with bombs.
Stop throwing rocks, stop blowing cars,
Let's plant some seeds, share the land in peace.
All you do is talk. Talk of peace is cheap.
We want some results, give up the gun, you creep.

MEN'S CHORUS
Such impudence! Such insolence!
Who do you think you are?
It's now or never, gentlemen-
Come up and help. Strip off those cloaks,
Roll up your sleeves, launch your missiles.
You are real men out there?
Comrades-in-arms?
Old soldiers?
Remember the good old days,
The good old fights.
Jump up here and help us now.
Stop these women! Wives and daughters!
What do you want to do with world affairs? You women.
Stay put and mind your own business.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Don't talk to me like that, you old fool.
Those days are over, we're every where now.
In case you haven't noticed,
We're running the show now.
Don't forget: Albright, Feinstein, Thatcher-

MEN'S CHORUS
Huh! You're the one who hasn't noticed.
Those old bags are on our side not yours.
They're just new members in the old boy's club.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Well then, we'll show them too.
Won't we ladies & gentlemen?
Old boy's club out! This is a new dawn.
You huff and puff all you want,
You've got no one. No one likes you.
We are united, no one will help you.

Yesterday I planned a party:
Champagne and caviar, and Cuban cigars.
No caviar, you said. Iran's a terrorist nation.
No Cuban cigars, you said, they're the last communist nation.
I had to cancel! Or order Chinese,
That's the nation, my dears, where they buy all things.

Brains and common sense won't stop them sis,
Let's kick them out and get on with the show.

MEN'S CHORUS
We will fight you to the end.
You Amazon! She-devil, left-winger!
Launch all missiles, warheads up!
Peace is boring! Go, John Wayne.
Cowboys and Indians, all the way_

Exit Men's Chorus.

(Back to top)

SCENE FIVE

Enter LYSISTRATA.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
She comes. Our leader, counselor, she comes.
She's frowning. Leader, why? Why knit those brows?

LYSISTRATA
I'm quite distraught. I don't know what to do.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
My god! My god!

LYSISTRATA
It's true! It's true!

WOMEN'S CHORUS
What is it? Tell your friends. Vouchsafe.

LYSISTRATA
Vouchsafe? I shudder. Nay, I blench.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Enough melodrama. What's going on?

LYSISTRATA
It's simple. We'll never hold out.
We're dying - for a fuck.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Heaven help us!

LYSISTRATA
What's Heaven to do with it? It's men they want.
They won't stay put. They're slipping out: this way
That way - I caught one in the lower house, tunneling.
Another one sitting quietly in the library,
Surfing the virtual sex sites. There was lipstick on the mouse.
Not to mention the two I saw on the roof just now:
One was gearing up for rock climbing ,
The other hot wiring Air Force-1,
She said "I refuse to leave the cockpit."
Something about an urgent pick-up from the white house.
They've a hundred excuses, but one destination: bed.
Here's someone now.

The DEFECTOR creeps out.
Ahem!

DEFECTOR
I must get home. I bought some lovely wool the other day.
And the bugs are at it.

LYSISTRATA
What bugs?

DEFECTOR
Bed-bugs.
I want to stretch it on the bed, and scratch.
I won't be long.

LYSISTRATA
No stretching. No scratching. Stay.

DEFECTOR
But what about my wool?

LYSISTRATA
Forget your wool.

KALONIKE
comes out.

KALONIKE
My dough! My dough! I need to knead my Filo dough!

LYSISTRATA
Your dough doesn't need kneading, and neither do you.

KALONIKE
But it'll rise, dear, rise till it explodes.
I'll give it a little knead, and come right back.

LYSISTRATA
No kneading, no coming. If I let you go,
They'll all start baking.

Enter MYRRHINE

MYRRHINE
I've got to go. Quick!
I can't... not here. Not on the Senate floor.

LYSISTRATA
Not what?

MYRRHINE
Give birth. The pains have started. Look.

LYSISTRATA
You weren't even pregnant yesterday.

MYRRHINE
I am today.
Oh, please, LYSISTRATA, I must get home.
The midwife's waiting. There it goes again!

LYSISTRATA
What nonsense! Just a minute. What is that bulge?

MYRRHINE
A darling baby boy.

LYSISTRATA
What d'you mean? It's hard.
It's hollow. It's General Powell's hat.
You said you were pregnant.

MYRRHINE
I am, I am.

LYSISTRATA
So why the hat?

MYRRHINE
In case the baby comes too soon. Before I get home.
A cradle. That's what it is. A safe cradle.

LYSISTRATA
What's happened to your lump?

MYRRHINE
Ooh! Gone. A false alarm.
How strange! I've been dreaming of leather
For weeks.

KALONIKE
At least you can sleep up here. I can't.
I hear singing all the time, Strangers in the night,
Very Strange.

LYSISTRATA
Strangers? Leather? Don't you understand?
It's men you're thinking of. and that is good.
If you want them, they must be dying for you.
Sleepless nights. Just a few more days.
I know it's hard, but just a few more days.
My astrologer said-

DEFECTOR
What astrologer?

LYSISTRATA
GEVALT! WHEN MERCURY AND JUPITER MEET,
UP THERE, UP THERE,
GEVALT! WHEN MARS TURNS AWAY FROM
THE MOON, THE MOON,
THEN WILL THE UPSY BE DOWNSY, THE
DOWNSY UPSY -

KALONIKE
We go on top...?

LYSISTRATA
TAKE THE POWER OF JUPITER, AND MARS
SO PERSISTENT,
THEN BEAUTIFUL VENUS WILL SPEED FAST INTO
THE BATTLEMENTS,
SHE SHALL OVERCOME AND HER
NAME WILL BE

MYRRHINE
Wow! Is she the same as Clinton's astrologer?

KALONIKE
Ya-Allah!
It sounds like the one who writes for Vogue.

LYSISTRATA
We must do what she says. Don't you see?
We must go inside, do exactly what she says.

She ushers them in. DEFECTOR attempts to get away one last time but LYSISTRATA catches and brings her in.

(Back to top)

SCENE SIX

Dance. World in Chaos. Men proudly show off their missiles, begin millitary march. Begin to run into one another exhausted. Women enter carrying OPERATION NO PENETRATION signs, they dance and tease the men before exiting. Men huddle together, arms extended, reaching for the women. One falls back starting a domino of missile accidents (fender-benders?!).

(Back to top)

SCENE SEVEN

LYSISTRATA comes out on the balcony.

LYSISTRATA
Women! Women! Quick!

Enter KALONIKE, MYRRHINE.

KALONIKE
What is it? Why are you shouting, dear?

LYSISTRATA
Look, a man! Look at the state he's in.
All geared up for Sports Illustrated Swim suit issue.
Great goddess, Cindy Crawford, illustrious Naomi Campbel,
Help us! Make sure he isn't up to it.

KALONIKE
Where is he, the man?

LYSISTRATA
Down there, on the front steps.

KALONIKE
So he is. Who d'you think he is?

LYSISTRATA
Don't any of you recognize him?

MYRRHINE
Ooh yes, I do. It's my husband. Kinesias.

LYSISTRATA
Your husband. Good. You know what to do.
Let him get as far as the entrance, but NO FURTHER.
Get him twisting and wriggling and foaming,
Flirt with him, kiss him, offer him everything,
But NO PENETRATION.

MYRRHINE
If you say so.

LYSISTRATA
Don't worry. I'll be here. I'll help you.
Between us we'll work him up to bursting point.
The rest of you, quickly, out of sight.

The WOMEN go in, LYSISTRATA re-enters through center doors.

LYSISTRATA
Who goes there? These parts are private.
What are you, coming here in that condition?

KINESIAS
You can see what I am.

LYSISTRATA
A man?

KINESIAS
Look, dammit!

LYSISTRATA
Withdraw at once!

KINESIAS
Who are you to tell to withdraw?

LYSISTRATA
I watch the gate.

KINESIAS
Never mind the gate. Call Myrrhine.

LYSISTRATA
Why should I?

KINESIAS
Because I'm her husband. Kinesias. Mine's a sad tale...

LYSISTRATA
Oh, we know all about your tail.
Myrrhine's told us all about your tail.
You're never out of her mouth.
Give her an apple or an egg to hold, and she's off:
`So smooth and round...I'd like to give it to Kinesias...'

KINESIAS
Oh god!

LYSISTRATA
I promise you. No one else dare mention
Her husband round here, or Myrrhine says,
`Broken reed! Blunt pencil, compared to mine.'

KINESIAS
Oh, call her, call her.

LYSISTRATA
You still haven't said: why should I?

KINESIAS
Oh god. How long d'you expect me to keep this up?
I'll squeeze you something later. Call her. Please.

LYSISTRATA
Excuse me a moment. She goes in.

KINESIAS
Hurry.
She's no idea what it's like, since Mommy left.
Life's not life any more. Going in, going out,
I ache, I thirst, I pine. Not to mention this.

MYRRHINE (off)
Tell him I love him, dear sweet man,
But he keeps putting something between us.
It's no use asking, darling. I won't come down.

KINESIAS
Myrrhine, sweetheart, why, oh why, oh why?
Don't torture me. Come down.

MYRRHINE appears on balcony.

MYRRHINE
Shan't.

KINESIAS
But it's me, sweetheart. Won't you come, for me?

MYRRHINE
I can't think what you want me for.

KINESIAS
It sticks out a mile.

MYRRHINE
I'm going.

KINESIAS
No. Listen to baby.
Call Mommy. Call her, dammit.
There you are. Poor little devil. Six days now,
Not one nappy-change, not a suck of milk...

MYRRHINE
Poor little boy. Has Daddy been neglecting oo?

KINESIAS
Please come. Please come for baby.

MYRRHINE
Motherhood! OK! I'll have to come.
There's no alternative.

She enters through center doors.

KINESIAS
Oh, look at her, look at her.
Mommy's cwoss with babee. such fwowns.
I can't stand it. I can't stand it.

MYRRHINE
Poor darling. There, there.
Has Daddy been nasty to oo again?
Come to Mommy. There, there, there.

KINESIAS
What are you playing at? Going off
With that pack of silly women, and leaving me...
Leaving me... What's got into you?

MYRRHINE
Not a thing lately.

KINESIAS
But everything's fallen apart since you left me.

MYRRHINE
Don't care.

KINESIAS
Those drawings, the lovely nudes you were sketching of me.
Gone! In the night Those damn sea gulls ate it.

MYRRHINE
Don't care.

KINESIAS
Don't you remember? The plans we made?
Just you and I? Our own little Olympic Games?

MYRRHINE
There'll be no Olympic Games, till you get
That peace treaty signed.

KINESIAS
Treaty? Oh, world peace treaty. Anything!

MYRRHINE
Sign that, and I'll come right home.
Till then, excuse me.

KINESIAS
Don't go. I'll sign.
Couldn't you...? Can't we...? Just a little...?

MYRRHINE
Sorry. Though I must say I'm tempted.

KINESIAS
You are? You must? Oh darling, now.

MYRRHINE
You filthy beast! In front of baby?

KINESIAS
Oh my god, baby.
Here.
He's gone, darling, gone. Now, come to bed.

MYRRHINE
Bed? Where?

KINESIAS
Where? Um... right here!

MYRRHINE
It's dusty, darling. Where can I wash?

KINESIAS
In the fountain. Do come on.

MYRRHINE
But what about my oath? I swore an oath.

KINESIAS
Blame me. I broke it. Hurry up.

MYRRHINE
I'll just fetch a bed.

KINESIAS
What? On the ground, on the ground.

MYRRHINE
No, darling. You may be a pig,
But I won't let you wallow on the ground.

She goes in.

KINESIAS
She loves me. She loves. You can always tell.

MYRRHINE returns with a bed.

MYRRHINE
There. You lie down. I'll get undressed.
Oh no. No pillow now.

KINESIAS
I don't want a pillow.

MYRRHINE
But I do.

KINESIAS
Give me a kiss before you go.

MIRRHINE
Mmmmmmmmm She goes.

KINESIAS
Look at me! I can't stand it.

MYRRHINE comes back with a pillow.

MYRRHINE
Get your head up.

KINESIAS
It is up.

MYRRHINE
Everything's ready, then.

KINESIAS
Come on then, sweetheart.

MYRRHINE
Just coming. I don't want to crease this dress.
All that about the treaty just now...
You weren't just putting me on?

KINESIAS
Putting you on what? Oh, no. Of course not.

MYRRHINE
Brr! No blanket.

KINESIAS
I don't want a blanket, I want you.

MYRRHINE
Won't be a moment.

She goes in.

KINESIAS
Man dies on Capitol Hill, in broad daylight,
Smothered in bedclothes!

MYRRHINE comes back with a blanket.

MYRRHINE
Upsadaisy.

KINESIAS
Don't keep saying that.

MYRRHINE
Would you like me to rub you with scented oil?

KINESIAS
No!

MYRRHINE
Of course I will. Don't be so grumpy. She fetches a flask of oil.

KINESIAS
Pour it on, then.

MYRRHINE
No, no: you. Hold out your hand.

KINESIAS
Christ, how I hate perfumed oil.
And especially Fredricks of Hollywood.

MYRRHINE
What d'you mean? Did I bring the wrong one?

KINESIAS
No. No! It's lovely. Wait.

MYRRHINE
No trouble.

She goes in

KINESIAS
God damn the man who invented perfumed oil.

MYRRHINE comes back with another flask. It is phallus-shaped.

MYRRHINE
This is much nicer. Look.

KINESIAS
Blunt pencil, compared to mine.
Do stop rushing about, and come and lie down.

MYRRHINE
In a moment. In a moment.
I've still to take this off.
Darling, you will do what you said?
Bring it up...peace...in the Assembly?

KINESIAS
I'll think about it.

MYRRHINE goes.

Now what is it? What's the matter?
She's gone. She came, and fetched, and went.
The most beautiful girl in the world.
Leaving me like this. Leaving you like this.
What shall I do with you now?
I know what you need. I know, I know.
What's the name of that...establishment...down the road.

(tape) REPORTER
Tell us sir, how do you feel?
You seem to be the unluckiest man alive.
How will you survive?
A-ee, a-ee.
What can one say?
Just think what you're missing:
No petting, no kissing,
No getting your end away.

KINESIAS
Look at this rod,
O' Please dear God,
Pluck her, suck her
High, in the sky,
Then drop her down again,
Kinesias begs-
Take careful aim-
Between these legs.

Exeunt KINESIAS.

(Back to top)

Go to scenes Eight thru Ten

Go to main "Operation No Penetration" page

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