Khar khodeti
On the latest saga of the British carving of the Middle East

April 21, 2003
The Iranian

So finally like an Olympic event that people in this country watch while conducting their routine chores during their dinnertime the Hollywood-like version of the Iraqi war is over. There is certain withdrawal associated with it you may agree. Well, another country got liberated so now they can live in total state of chaos.

You may wonder what happened to the 28-million population of Iraq? Where in the world are they? All we saw on TV were these digital images of a circle called Basra and then another circle called Baghdad and so forth and so on. Fistful of people here and a few there. The other 27 million must have been in their basement.
And now thanks to the well-planned, century-old British carving of the Middle East, another one of these puppet regimes has collapsed under its own weight and now the Iraqi people get the opportunity to do what the Iranians did in 1979 -- burn their banks, set buildings afire and take revenge against each other. Then their constitution gets rectomized (as opposed to ratified) by a cookie-cutter Ayatollah exported from Iran.

How sad.

Then in the midst of it all CNN calls itself  "the most trusted" news network, immediately after being kicked out of Iraq. And even more shameful is that CNN actually borrows images from the Aljazeera news network, what most likely can win "the most mistrusted news network in the world."
I saw one image that was the saddest. It was the picture of Baghdad Museum's deputy director holding his head with his hands in disbelief when people broke into the National Museum and looted artifacts going back thousands of years. But rest assured, all of those treasures will soon find their ways to the British Museum or show up on e-bay just like thousands of other nations' treasures ended up in the dungeons of the British Museum, so that if people of those plundered nations want to learn about their heritage they have to pay a pilgrimage to London.
And while some Americans turn their TVs off when Bush starts his speeches, somehow we see images of Iraqis in Baghdad shouting into the TV cameras "Mr. Boosh goot, Mr. Boosh very goot," and with a two-thumbs up! Yes, CNN is the most trusted news network.

Bush's popularity has certainly risen in Iraq. One cannot deny that one of the cultural benefits of this war is that many American soldiers became Karbalaee, which is an honor among the Shiite sect. Not all believers can make it to Karbala but these Marines did. In fact some suggest that they should change their motto and call themselves "Marines, the few, the Proud, the Karbalaees."

In fact former Iraqi Ambassador to the UN suggested and offered a mass circumcision to be offered to the Marines at half the regular price at any Turkish bath in Baghdad. But so far there has been no takers. But please Lord, have pity on Iranians and don't let Imam Reza invite the Marines to make them Mashdis as well.
Then I see this Ari Fleischer, the White House Press Secretary. Him and others like him stand in front of TV news cameras just to say nothing and remain ambiguous. The other day an Italian reporter asked him: "Skoozee Mr. Secretary, could you tell me what time it is?" and Fleischer immediately said, "Well, we have no comment about that and the White House has made no announcement yet." Talk about paranoid schizophrenia.
Then CBS's "60 Minutes" reporter Bob Simon conducts an interview with Ayatollah Hakim in Tehran, the most mistrusted capital east of the Euphrates. Iran wants to install Hakim as the Shiite leader in Iraq. And of course the West was also incubating Majid Khoei in London (the most trusted city among Mullahs). So goes the old saying that ten dervishes can sleep in one room and two mullahs won't give an inch of the universe while in power.

Not a day had past Iraq's "liberation" when one of the opposition leaders (Majid Khoei) got stabbed to death while a gang outside Imam Ali's holy shrine shouted "Takbeer, Takbeer" and the poor American soldiers guarding the sidewalks did not move a finger, thinking that somebody is yelling "Taxi, Taxi". Meanwhile a grim multiple murder was taking place a few feet away!
Unlike Iranians, poor Iraqis only have few leaders of the opposition who can fit the bill to go and build Iraq. One was already assassinated Iranian style; the other one, Mr. Ahmed Chalabi, sounds so Americanized that even Washington may shun him eventually. Plus he has his own baggage. And finally that leads us to Ayatollah Hakim who is sitting in exile in Tehran, Khomeini-style, until his number is called.

I bet $5 that the British Intelligence Service and the CIA are just itching to put him in power in Iraq for a variety of reasons. Number one, he is charismatic (wink, wink). Secondly, he smiles!! Americans love smiling faces. Thirdly, when he reaches power he will push Iraq back another 600 years (Khomeini style). And most importantly, with him in power, the Anglo-American coalition of future years could kick Iran's ass for exporting its Revolution abroad.
I said it back in 1977 that the plan is Islamization (read it with French pronunciation; it makes you more sophisticated) of the Middle East. Anglo-American politicians installed the damn "Axis of Evil" that they are now dismantling. And now they are giving the green light to Iran to push Hakim into Iraq.

Don't forget that Saddam may have had a bad mustache but he was at least a secular ruler. Iran has another decade to achieve a secular government. And just because Khatami has a smiling face does not mean theIranian regime is any better than Saddam. Saddam did not force drug addiction and prostitution on millions of its people but Iran's government did and continues to do so.
One thing common and very fashionable these days is that most of those in the Iraqi opposition claim that they only want to go and help their nation rebuild, and that they have no political objectives. As a famous Persian philosopher once said "Khar Khodeti" ("YOU'RE the ass"). 

Take Mr. Pahlavi for instance. He wants to go and be a figurehead but not necessarily a lifetime Shah. He would be a Shah who would ask for the people's vote. OK no problem. Then Mohammad Zaher Shah went back to Afghanistan simply because opium is so expensive in London and his meager salary in exile was insufficient. So he returned to Kabul for his free ration and he said he did not want to hold any political power.

That reminds me that when a member of parliament in the former Pahlavi regime in Iran returned to Tehran from Paris a couple of years after the Revolution, they immediately arrested him at Mehrabaad airport and executed him. Before the execution, they asked him: "Why in the world did you return to Iran?" His answer was "Who can afford a cup of café au lait at five Francs?"

They asked Khomeini in his Air France flight from the holy city of Paris to Tehran "what are your feelings now that you are returning to Iran" and the old man responded: "nothing!" I think if there is one word the old man ever uttered that one could trust was that word "nothing." He had no feeling going back to Iran. And today we see the result of his feelings. 
Now, you may think that this article is going to lead to somewhere meaningful and constructive. But that is not my intention. I just wonder will there be a day when somebody would have the balls to say "I want to go back to my country to be the 'installed' leader; I want to rule the land, have my statutes built in all cities, print stamps with my portrait, change street names to match my family's, and get rich quick."
France is pissed off because in 1978, Khomeini was in Paris. But now the Iraqi opposition has gathered mostly in London and in Washington. France is trying to regain its loss of power in the region. Their alliance with Russia clearly shows the division and growing unrest in the world capitals on how to share the spoils of war. For every building that burns in Iraq it simply means a contract will be awarded to rebuild. But the questions is how many of these contracts will go to France, Germany and Russia?

Well, the British economy is in such shambles that they need as many contracts as America can throw at them. UN's "Oil for Food" program is now going to be "Oil for Food, Etc". Iraq has to turn the valves wide open for the next three decades just to pay off the coalition forces at minimum wage $6.75 an hour to watch the streets of Baghdad during the next few months of martial law.
Can you believe the sheer number of imbedded journalists in Iraq? It seems there was one on top of every tank. If you were a war reporter would you want to be "imbedded" or would you rather go on your own and chose your presence wherever your senses lead you? Like Hemingway, just get drunk, pick your pen and notebook, throw your camera on your shoulder and go where the action is. Instead today's journalists waited in line to get imbedded. It sounds like adulterated press. On the other hand if you have had no choice, wouldn't you rather be imbedded in one of those go-go places in Amsterdam?
I think the Comedy Channel should hire Iraq's former Information Minister. He would be a great guest star on Saturday Night Live too. He has a wonderful sense of humor and is not ashamed of just lying through his teeth in front of the world's cameras. He made audiences laugh during the sad days of the war, by denying the fact that his country was being demolished under the digital Anglo-American war.

But I wonder if I would rather watch Bob Dole and Bill Clinton's 5-minuet Sunday debates on 60 Minutes, which makes me think of only one thing: Viagra. It's hard to focus on what they say. Bob Dole is using Viagra and he admits it in his TV ads. And Clinton still uses cigars. Well, to each its own. Somehow I cannot focus on what they say and I get distracted by the subliminal messages. Cigar or Viagra, back and forth.
These days it's so fashionable for experts to comment on how the US will not attack Iran because of XYZ. For example, they say the US will not attack Iran because Iran has 65 million people. Well let's see. It took three weeks to annihilate 28 million in Iraq, so it will take roughly 8-10 weeks to tame 65 million.

Another reason they offer is that 65% of the Iranian population is young, which only means trouble -- but not a great force in a digital war. They fail to disclose that of that 65%, perhaps 20% are drug addicts, another 20% are too deep into Rumi and extra terrestrial schools of thought, and 20% want to get a visa by any means possible to get the hell out of that oppressed country. The remaining 5% will fight to death.

As the old Persian saying goes: "Don't entangle your butt with the bull's horn." Khomeini took our land with a flick of a switch. Don't encourage another one. The US is constantly searching for weapons of mass destruction, or WMDs. Iranians know well that such weapons that the West is so paranoid about are basically nothing more than certain gases such as Andol and Scatol readily available in our digestive tracts. These WMDs have ruined lots of lives and forced happy marriages into divorce and torn families apart and broken friendly relationships in most Middle Eastern countries. The Greeks have not been immune either. That is what UN inspectors were looking for.

Remember you read it here first . We now offer you a recipe to build one of these weapons which produce gasses that cause massive destruction:
Cook for three hours 2 kilos of lamb shank with one half kilo of garbanzo beans and half kilosof white beans; boil until cooked well and lamb shanks are tender to touch. Add two spoonfuls of curry powder or turmeric. Add two large onions, 6 large potatoes, salt and pepper to taste. Add six ripe tomatoes cut in half and add enough water to cover the ingredients.

Let the whole thing simmer for another three hours. Serve with pita bread and raw onions and feed as many people as you can. Stand back and watch in shock and awe the gasses of mass destruction ruin family lives, demoralize children and disturb neighborhoods and make people flee from city buses, theatres and public buildings.

We will be back next week with a recipe for Molotov Cocktail, also known as Koofteh Berenjee.


Farrokh A. Ashtiani is the webmaster of He wants to be known as a gardener for life and then after, nothing more. He believes that our highest achievements in life will be dwarfed by shadows of those trees that we have planted.

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