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What in the World are we Thinking?
A weekly column, eeshalla

Don't call it war
Call it high-intensity weapons inspection

February 28, 2003
The Iranian

This week was a milestone of sorts. Not for anything important, it was just the week I said, "You know, I've finally had enough of this sh--!"

It's bad enough to have to sit through the Orange Alert, the Powell and Bin Laden show, and then there's the whole army of pundits who have to get their 2 cents in (and it's not worth that!). But when you ask me to duct tape my what? To my what-what? Please! My wife has been on my case to clean the leaves out of the gutters since the NFL playoffs, and I haven't budged for that!

This will be another in the series of made for TV wars that we will watch on CNN (this time in HDTV and probably on Fox), and go Oooo, Ouch! Did you see that bunker go Boom Boom? Man that was neat! You know that's going to leave a mark!

But President Bush can't seem to pull off what his father did while promising to not raise taxes, and that is to rally the coalition so everyone can get in on the fun. The problem may be that after the first Gulf expedition, France and Germany snuck into an Iraqi contract and concession Wine and Goat Cheese Oktoberfest party, that is a bit sticky to undo now. France alone has $60B worth of fondue. That's B as in billion not baguettes, mon frere.

And with the impending loss of that kind of pocket D'argent, it's easy to see why France may be not quite convinced enough to vote "Oui! Oui!", on military action.

On the home front, it gets even messier. Political giants and leading US motefaker's like Susan Sarandon (the suicidal ex-housewife in Thelma & Louise) and Mike Farrell (the second string doctor, "BJ" on M.A.S.H.) are just not sure yet! And when Susan says there's something wrong with US foreign policy, I don't know about you, but I'm hoping she takes her top off!

And finally, la crème de la crème, none other than Sean Penn (surfer dude in Fast Times at Ridgemont High), who after he was "guided" through a Fodor's tour of Iraq, assures us there are no weapons of mass destruction. Sean's not quite sure what one is, nonetheless, but if Saddam's word is good enough for him, hey...

But not to worry, Georgie-Joon! Listen to me, you're freshly anointed Iranian-American brutha. Here's what you do:

Let the UN request more inspections. Then immediately offer to send US trained "weapons inspectors". 100,000 of them to be exact (with the National Guard and miscellaneous other forces, up that to 200,000- 250,000 "weapons inspectors").

Stop calling it an invasion or a military action, no one's buying, especially the UN whose charter and mission statement is to keep peace. The UN has already granted existing inspectors "unfettered access and extensive inspection powers throughout Iraq". Just say you are increasing the power already granted by the UN even more, and call it "Super-Dee-Duper-Dee-New-and-Improved-High-Intensity Weapons Inspection".

I mean after all, who is better qualified to inspect a weapon than a soldier? I mean how else would you transport 250,000 "weapons inspectors" to the region except by way of a 5,000-passenger luxury cruise-ship, or in absence thereof, aircraft carrier!

If anyone asks, stall for two weeks. Say you're busy working on a "domestic economic stimulus package" in Camp David. When they ask again, stall for another week and say your "Herefords need tendin'" in Crawford. And when they ask again, quickly say you are merely abiding by the UN asking for more "inspection".

And that, as they say, George my boy, will be that!

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By Bruce Bahmani



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