 Proactive
My resolution for 2005
Anahid Hojjati
December 25, 2004
iranian.com
It is Christmas day, 2004. A quiet Saturday that I will spend
waking up my daughter, getting her ready to go to her dad and then
I will do whatever I want. This aspect of single life is appealing.
There are times that you actually manage to do what you want. After
the work week is done and if don't have family obligations,
you can take long walks, read poetry, watch TV, or whatever it
is that on that day you want. That is if you don't have to
clean the house, take the car for repairs, pay the bills, or study
for an exam so you can make a few hundred dollars more at work, etc.
On this thankfully quiet Saturday, being so close to the start
of a new year, I am thinking about some major issues. Like, how
I am different today than the kid or the young person I was in
the
past?
As an adolescent who came of age during the Iranian revolution,
I wanted to change the world. Then I became a young person and
in
my 20s
and 30s, I was into changing family and friends for better. And
for the past couple of years I have just wanted to change myself.
As a young person, I was quick to go after whom I loved. In Iran,
in 1983, when the government did not approve of girls and boys
becoming friends, I visited a boy who had been my classmate. My
visit was the start of our dating in those days. Yes, dating in
Iran was different than
here in America. We had to worry about being caught in the
park walking together: How could we explain to the vice squad the
reason
for us being together?
Our relationship ended when I came to the US for my university
studies and he was drafted. But you still have to give me credit.
I had
obtained this boy's address when a whole group of friends
from our co-ed high school had gathered and then I just showed
up at his family home. That impresses me today. After being in
the US less than a month or two, I walked up to a classmate and
told him that he resembles the lady from "little house on
the prairie". I know it is a lame line but that started our
friendship. Later, we became study partners, then boyfriend and
girlfriend and
ultimately getting married when I finished college.
 Those days, when I would hear gossip from Iranian elders who
wondered what I was up to with my American boyfriend, I did not
care much.
I did not even give much thought to it. I was busy living my life.
Now, after being divorced for more than 7 years, I am hesitant
to start relationships. I always come up with excuses. I put my
profile in websites and get flirts and e-mails, but I don't
contact the guys back even if I like their profiles. Or I have
crushes on guys that I find reasons for not starting a relationship
with. Even when they give me the green light I think to myself
that maybe they are just being nice to me as a friend. There are
always
excuses for staying lonely.
Now that I am on the subject of loneliness, let me tell you that
it surprises me. Out of all people that I know I should be one
of
the last ones to be lonely. I have always been popular. I never
strived to find and keep friends. I have had guys show me interest
from my college years. In high school I was simply such a good
student that guys probably did not think that I would even entertain
thoughts of having boyfriends. But even then in high school,
guys would always make an effort to show to my sister and me that
they
were very good students too.
Anyway, I have never been the one to
be lonely, isolated or aloof. I know of people who have been
isolated, who are aloof and in my opinion not nice, but
they are not
alone.
I was reading something yesterday about being able to
make the changes in your life rather than being observers in
the stage
that is our life. It made me wonder that how these days sometimes,
it
feels like I am not the director of the stage that is my
life. I let other people and events direct the play that is my
life.
 Ok, now
that
is my new year's resolution. To be more proactive and go
after what I want whole-heartedly, not let past failures
prevent me from having future successes. I believe many of us
after living through a failed revolution and either being immigrants
(from
an "axis of evil" country) or living in Iran as a second
or
third class citizen, have lost our sense of optimism.
My 2005 resolution
is to gain back the spirit of years bygone.
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