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Ali's nose job
His nose defied all laws of physics

By Siamack Baniameri
October 30, 2000
The Iranian

Ali's body stopped growing at the age of nineteen. However, his nose developed a mind of its own and refused to stop growing. He looked as if his nose was on steroids while the rest of his body suffered from malnutrition. His nose not only continued growing at an unimaginable pace, it defied all laws of physics, gravity, and anatomy.

When Ali walked in a room, he didn't light up the room, he actually blocked the light. When he was younger, Ali's nose grew large but straight. When he became a bit older, however, his nose decided to make a left turn to check out the view. Growing tired of the view on the left side, his nose took another detour and grew to the right for some fresh air.

While all that twisting and turning were taking place, a strange bump appeared on top of his nose that resembled a golf ball. His nostrils, by far, were the most frightening. They were huge, deep, and dark. You couldn't help but wonder if your long lost TV remote control might be found in there. They looked like two large caves separated by human flesh. You wouldn't dare coming close to them for fear of getting sucked in.

Extremely self-conscious of his massive (facial) organ, Ali has been in touch with a plastic surgeon in Iran. The surgeon is credited for beautifying Iranians at a reasonable price of only a $1,000. He is Western-educated and, according to Ali, performs a number of nose jobs per day with impressive success and high customer satisfaction. If Ali wanted to do the surgery here in the U.S., he would have to sneeze $4,000.

Naturally he was very excited to be going to Iran. And I was happy for him. A little facial rearrangement would definitely make him look different; maybe even handsome. The night before his departure, Ali stopped by my place to say good bye. He told me of his idea to send emails during his stay to report on his progress. I thought it was an excellent idea and encouraged write as often as he possibly could.

Date: Wen, 10 Feb 00 09:20AM MDT
From: Ali
To: Siamack
Subject: Hi

Dear Siamack,

I made it to Iran and went to see the plastic surgeon. He examined my nose and made all kinds of strange humming sounds. I didn't quite understand his facial expressions either. He sat down at his desk and told me he would charge $2,500 to perform the surgery. I jumped out of my chair. I reminded him of our agreement over the phone on a $1,000 fee. He laughed and said "Agha, I charge a $1,000 for a normal nose job. This is more like decapitating an elephant. Nobody here would touch that thing for less than $3,000. I am actually doing you a favor."

I figured what the heck. I am here and might as well do it and get it over with. My surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. I am very excited. I can't wait to start my new life.

Date: Sun, 14 Feb 00 12:30AM MDT
From: Ali
To: Siamack
Subject: made it.

Dear Siamack,

The surgery took a long time. I wonder what the surgeon was doing to my nose. Anyway, I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. I was horrified. I have a tape stock to my nose so I am not sure what my nose looks like at the moment. But, my face is so swollen, it looks like a huge watermelon. The surgeon was very happy with the operation. He told me that my nose would soon look like a work of art!!

I am going in tomorrow for the final checkup and to remove the tape. I got to go now. I need to take some painkillers. I will write later.

Date: Mon, 15 Feb 00 10:20AM MDT
From: Ali
To: Siamack
Subject: What the hell...

Dear Siamack,

They removed the tape this morning. The surgeon went overboard with the nose reduction. I am not sure what the hell he was thinking. My nose is the size of a frikin' peanut. It's so small it looks ridiculous. My nostrils are like two tiny holes now. I can hardly breathe. My face is swollen like hell. I look like a freak. I'm gonna kill these ass holes.

Date: Thr, 18 Feb 00 08:20AM MDT
From: Ali
To: Siamack
Subject: Depressed.

Dear Siamack,

I'm depressed. I need to get out of here. A week has past since my surgery and I still don't recognize myself. My face is badly swollen and the nose.... What nose? You can't even see a nose. I look as if I was in the ring with Mike Tyson and he not only kicked my ass, but nailed my nose inside my face. People here mistake me for a reformist journalist who's just been released from jail.

I'm flying out tomorrow. I'll see you in a few days. I'm warning you. You probably wont even recognize me.

Date: Sun, 21 Feb 00 11:00AM MDT
From: Ali
To: Siamack
Subject: still here

Dear Siamack,

Yes, I am still in Iran. I ran into problems at the airport. As I was going through customs I handed my passport. The customs agent threw the passport back at me and yelled, "Do you think I'm stupid; this isn't you. Who the hell do you think you are, coming here with someone else's passport? This is a criminal offense. I'm going to turn you to the revolutionary guards." He continued, "Couldn't you at least use somebody's passport with a smaller nose?"

I told the agent that I was recovering from a horrendous plastic surgery. That's why I didn't look anything like my pictures. He said, "Khar khodeti." I have been charged with falsifying documents and I'm currently scheduled to appear before the revolutionary court to argue my case.

To make matters worse, my plastic surgeon has fled the country due to some law suits brought against him by this mullah's daughter. He has destroyed all medical records and evidence. Therefore, I am unable to prove that I had the surgery. I think I will be here for a while. I am beginning to think this whole thing was a big mistake. I must go take some more pain killers. I don't feel like writing anymore. I just want my old nose back.

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