The big question
Is she a virgin?
September 13, 2000
The Iranian
Persian text
"I don't know whether she is a virgin or not?" This is what
the groom-to-be tells his friend.
Food gets stuck in my throat. As I start coughing, I signal the waiter
to bring me a glass of water. At my left table, two young Iranian men are
talking to each other. Their last exchange grabs my full attention. I couldn't
help eavesdropping.
Apparently, this is the scenario:
One of these men (the groom-to-be) has a crush on the sister of one
of his friends. The groom-to-be has asked a mutual friend, who knows the
brother well, to intervene for asking the sister's hand! The groom-to-be
and the friend are waiting to meet the brother in an Iranian restaurant
somewhere in Europe, in order to close the deal.
Friend: What kind of question is that? How could I know whether
she's a virgin or not? Don't you know yourself?
Groom-to-be: I can't ask her myself! I just told her, "With
your permission, I would like to talk to your brother," and she said:
"It's a blessed affair, God-willing!"
Friend: What's the big deal anyway?
Groom-to-be: It wouldn't be a big deal if she was a foreigner,
but she's Iranian. You know what I mean?
Friend: Yeah, I see.
Groom-to-be: Can we ask the brother?
Friend: Ask him what? If his sister's a virgin?
Groom-to-be: Not like that. Ask him in a way he wouldn't be offended.
Me: EHHHUM.EHHUUUM. Excuse me.Can I have a glass of water?
Waiter: Absolutely, coming right up.
Friend: Don't you know her well?
Groom-to-be: Not that well. I tried not to flirt too much because
of her brother. I didn't want him to think I'm hitting on her sister.
Friend: Don't take this personally, but if she had come from
Iran recently, we wouldn't have to ask this question. But you know, she
has been here for a long time.
Groom-to-be: A chaste girl remains chaste even if she's been
living abroad for fifty years. Some get corrupted by the surroundings.
Like the one I picked up two weeks ago. You can't imagine the language
she was using. What a bitch! Anyway, what did you tell her brother?
Friend: I told him a blessed affair has come up.
The Groom-to-be: Didn't he take it badly?
Friend: How do I know? I told him over the phone! Why should
he take it badly?
The Groom-to-be: How are we going to ask him about his sister's
virginity'? I'm too embarrassed to ask!
Friend: You should have thought about it earlier. It's too late
now. It's none of my business anyway. Find it out yourself.
The Groom-to-be: (Anxious) Let's hope he won't show up.
Friend: What? I've spent all this time to help you and now you're
hoping he won't show up? When you mark a girl, you can't bale out!
The Groom-to-be: I'm not going to bale out, but let's have some
time to find out about the people she's been hanging with!
Friend: (Laughing) Let's hire a private eye.
The Groom-to-be: (A little dubious) What's so funny? Listen,
I'm telling you this because you're like my brother. Don't you ever...
Friend: Are you kidding? This will remain a secret between you
and me.
Me: Excuse me. Can I have my glass of water please?
Waiter: Oh! You haven't been served yet?
Me: (Talking to myself) YOU were supposed to bring my water!
The friend's cell phone rings. Apparently, the brother has got stuck
somewhere and can't make it to the meeting.
Friend: You asked for it, you got it. This fellow can't make
it tonight.
Groom-to-be: (Worried) Maybe his sister told him that she doesn't
like me.
Friend: Don't worry. You'd be a great husband. Now you have time
to investigate the girl.
The Groom-to-be: I'll think of something.
Me: Excuse me. Can I have the check please?
Waiter: Oh! Sorry! You're water is coming right up.
I think of the bride-to-be. My problem can be solved with a glass of
water. What about his? crush on someone. Persian
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