Not without my mom
Reza Pahlavi is in Iran on the most important mission of
April 1, 2001
The article below was published as an April Fools
joke. See responses
from readers. Also see previous April Fools features:
in Tehran", "Iran
is a great country", "Googooshgate", and "Clinton:
'Let's put the past behind us'"
Reza Pahlavi, heir to the peacock throne, has secretly traveled to
Iran to finally carry out the most important mission of his life. The following
is an interview with the prince which was broadcast live throughout Iran
via satellite last night. The interview was conducted from his hideout
behind the village mosque in Alasht, the birthplace of his grandfather
and founder of the Pahlavi Dynasty.
Shaban Bamokh: Greetings, Your Majesty, could you please tell us
when and how you entered Iran?
Reza Pahlavi: Greetings to you and the brave people of Iran. I arrived
in Iran around Noruz. For security reasons I cannot talk about the exact
day or how I got into the country. This was obviously a very sensitive
operation and it required the help of many courageous compatriots.
SB: Your Majesty, why ave you decided to make this dangerous journey
RP: First of all, I would prefer not to be addressed as "Your Majesty"
or anything like that. I appreciate your kindness and respect for my family.
But I do not claim to be any kind of special person. If the people of Iran
choose me as their king, that's a different matter. But until then I would
prefer to be addressed simply by my family name...
SB: Yes, sir, as you wish.
RP: Thank you. As for your question about why I have come to Iran, well,
I must say that this has been on my mind for the longest time. I have always
felt that I must go back to my homeland. We can always stay abroad in relative
safety and comfort. But nothing can be done unless we are in Iran itself.
SB: Sir, what is your assessment of the situation in Iran?
RP: Well, the situation here is exactly what I and many others had talked
about for years. Even worse. The people are living in a virtual police
state. The revolutionary guards monitor every aspect of people's lives.
The economic conditions are horrendous. And of course the power struggle
between the various factions within the regime is as intense as ever.
SB: So it seems the time is right for you to lead the people against
RP: I believe all the political forces should unite and take an active
part in the struggle against this ruthless regime. If we want freedom and
democracy, we must work together. This is not my personal battle. This
is a national battle and we must all play a part.
SB: Have you created a coalition of opposition forces?
RP: Yes. In fact I am happy to announce that I and a number of prominent
political figures and organizations have formed an umbrella group to coordinate
mass actions against the regime. This group, which is unprecedented in
its wide range of opposition forces, is called the National Unity Coalition
for the Liberation of Iran.
SB: This is very exciting news. Will the coalition call on the people
to rise up before the regime's so-called presidential elections?
RP: No, I don't think so.
SB: So when, sir, do you think would be the appropriate time?
RP: I'm not sure yet. I have to take care of a couple of personal matters
SB: Personal matters?
RP: Yes. That is why I have come to Alasht, where, as you know, my grandfather
Reza Shah was born.
SB: Yes, of course. I'm sure you are going through many emotions
being in your ancestral home. Are you searching for your roots?
RP: Yes, you could say that. I am in fact searching for my mother.
SB: Her Royal Highness Farah Pahlavi? Our beloved Shahbanou? Is she
in Iran as well?
RP: No, she is not.
SB: But you said...
RP: Yes, I said I am searching for my mother. My real mother.
SB: I don't understand sir...
RP: Well, this is very difficult for me to talk about but it's one of
those things that I have to face some day. And I have decided now is the
time to do it. Do you want the full story or...
SB: Actually we are running out of time. Can you get on with it?
RP: Well, Shahbanou Farah, just like my father's previous wife Princess
Soraya, could not bear children. And my father desperately needed a son.
So his advisers suggested one of Alasht's finest girls as a surrogate mother.
Before he passed away, my father told me all of this stuff and gave me
a picture of my mother -- my
REAL mother. Here it is... (holds a picture).
SB: Jesus Christ... Holy Mother... the monarchist movement is SO
RP: What did you say?
SB: I said the monarchist movement will be so thrilled by this news...
RP: Yeah... isn't she the most beautiful creature you've ever seen?
(starts to cry)
SB: Oh, sir... Your Majesty please don't cry... please... Baabaa!
Khers-e gondeh! Pull yourself together man!
RP: (Wipes his eyes) I'm sorry. I can't help it... I just want to hold
her and tell her how much I love her and miss her.
SB: Have you been able to find out anything about her?
RP: Well, so far I've traced her up to 1979, when that thing happened.
SB: What thing?
RP: Ehhh! That THING digeh...
SB: Oh oh yeah... you mean when the revolution happened.
RP: Nah khengool! When the British and the Americans conspired to force
my father into early retirement just as our country was about to produce
Paykans with Rolls Royce engines. My father was becoming a serious threat
to the industrialized world.
SB: Yeah, I bet... So what have you been able to find out about your
RP: Apparently she was the director of the Royal Zoorkhooneh. She also
helped develop the No-Wonderbra and modeled for Victoria's Nightmare. Somebody
also told me that she starred in the classic film "The Secret Life
of Tarzan", but I haven't been able to confirm that.
SB: Fascinating. What's her name by the way?
RP: Parviz Khoshgeleh.
RP: (Laughs) Just kidding. Her name is Pari Khoshgeleh.
SB: Right... Well, thank you sir. Good luck to you, and don't eat
too much torshi.
RP: (Laughs) That would be really hard, but I'll try!
Farah Pahlavi: Reza?
RP: Yes mother!
FP: You've been in there for more than an hour. What are you doing?
RP: Nothing mother!
FP: Are you interviewing yourself again? Get out of the bathroom!
RP: Yes mother!