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Blizzy Blizzy blahzah blahzah blahzay

August 15, 2003
The Iranian

"If you are not criticized, you may not be doing much."

50 Cent fans are fuming. As Fiddy's "Rock the Mic" tour takes America's 97.5 FM Hip Hop stations by storm, critics are calling 50 Cent's success a fluke. He's just another thug picked up by Eminem, Dr. Dre, and Interscope Records who've decided to Get Rich or Die Tryin' by preying on some mediocre rapper's street cred, putting him on rotation. Whateva'!

While some three years ago, everyone from the White House to its back street white-trash trailer park was up in arms over Eminem's trifles with the pen and that "samurai sensei's" 16 inch blade, which lyrically offed his wife, Kim, in the '97 Bonnie and Clyde cut, no one seems to raise an eyebrow at Fiddy's pistol in 3D in two-oh-oh-three. In fact we're all fawning instead.

I know, I know... All ya'll shorties out there are willing to lay down your lives defending 50 against another jail sentence. Just wanna sit next to his throne and sniff his cologne, huh? Tell me about it... I feeiill you.

But seriously guys, what's up with that? This Madame's thinking that the lack of controversy around 50 Cent's album has as little to do with Fiddy as do his Norwegian elderly fans who do their daily aerobic stretches to his "P.I.M.P."

My rap is that all this "Blizzy Blizzy blahzah blahzah blahzay", has to do with the lulling lyrics we've been hearing the White House Defense Secretary dish in the last year or so. It's what I call the Rummy Rap syndrome. What's nightmarish about the disease is that the whole world is getting ripped off at the official rap concert in print and on screen, daily.

All of our asse(t)s are being tapped by the US government and what (?!?) someone's expected to have enough energy left over to get worked up over Fiddy? As Hart Seely of MSN reports, "Every day, Rumsfeld regales reporters with his jazzy, impromptu riffs" And mind you, ('cause the Madame has to interrupt...) few of us really appreciate this level of molestation by a known molester."

Rumsfeld's poetry is paradoxical: It uses playful language to address the most somber subjects: war, terrorism, mortality. Much of it is about indirection and evasion: He never faces his subjects head on but weaves away, letting inversions and repetitions confuse and beguile. His work, with its dedication to the fractured rhythms of the plainspoken vernacular, is reminiscent of William Carlos Williams'.

Some readers may find that Rumsfeld's gift for offhand, quotidian pronouncements is as entrancing as Frank O'Hara's. Take for example his February 12th Department of Defense news briefing... which we might as well entitle "The Unknown":

As we know,
There are known knowns.
There are things we know we know.
We also know
There are known unknowns.
That is to say
We know there are some things
We do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns,
The ones we don't know
We don't know.

We all remember it. We've all quoted it. And, admit it, we've all jiggled to it... (just a little...maybe?) What's sick sick, sickening, is that he and his cohorts are stuffing America's hard-earned cash and its debt money into their pipes and smoking it faster than Fiddy's 5 million record sales for some trance- induced quote-unquote unknown unknowns.

I say, memorize your Rumsfeld horror-scope line of the month or just have a listen. (And oh yeah, lest I forget, parental control is advised)

When you're done. Cummere and let me quiz ya:

"How does it end?/ It ends,/ That's all."

Is that Fiddy or Rummy?

The first 50 to answer this one right, get two free tickets to Fiddy's "Rock the Mic" concert in Samarkand or Bukhara. Gimme a holla' :

Farvardin: Aries
Glass Box
You know, it's the old glass box at the --
At the gas station,
Where you're using those little things
Trying to pick up the prize,
And you can't find it.
It's --
And it's all these arms are going down in there,
And so you keep dropping it
And picking it up again and moving it,
But --
Some of you are probably too young to remember those --
Those glass boxes,
But --
But they used to have them
At all the gas stations
When I was a kid.

Ordibehesht: Taurus
A Confession
Once in a while,
I'm standing here, doing something.
And I think,
"What in the world am I doing here?"
It's a big surprise.

Khordad: Gemini
You're going to be told lots of things.
You get told things every day that don't happen.
It doesn't seem to bother people, they don't --
It's printed in the press.
The world thinks all these things happen.
They never happened.
Everyone's so eager to get the story
Before in fact the story's there
That the world is constantly being fed
Things that haven't happened.
All I can tell you is,
It hasn't happened.
It's going to happen.

Tir: Cancer
The Digital Revolution
Oh my goodness gracious,
What you can buy off the Internet
In terms of overhead photography!
A trained ape can know an awful lot
Of what is going on in this world,
Just by punching on his mouse
For a relatively modest cost!

Mordad: Leo
The Situation
Things will not be necessarily continuous.
The fact that they are something other than perfectly continuous
Ought not to be characterized as a pause.
There will be some things that people will see.
There will be some things that people won't see.
And life goes on.

Shahrivar: Virgo
I think what you'll find,
I think what you'll find is,
Whatever it is we do substantively,
There will be near-perfect clarity
As to what it is.
And it will be known,
And it will be known to the Congress,
And it will be known to you,
Probably before we decide it,
But it will be known.

Mehr: Libra
"Military people are organised
They're capable,
And when the President says, 'Let's go do that!'
We say, 'Fine!'
I said, 'Fine!'
I'm not stupid.
But I also said 'By golly'."

Aban: Scorpio
Russian Jet
I ... was amused to see the photographs of the Russian jet aircraft that were buried under ground, and we hadn't known that ... If there's a classic example, something as big as an airplane that's within, you know, a stone's throw of where you're functioning, and you don't know it's there ... So until you find somebody who tells you where to look, or until nature clears some sand away and exposes something over time, we're simply not going to know.

Azar: Sagittarius
Inside And Outside The Tent
What's going to happen is,
as that happens,
they'll have meetings.
And if you do something,
somebody's not going to like it.
That's certain in life.
It's also true,
if you don't do something,
somebody's not going to like it.
But the fact is,
if you do do something
somebody's not going to like it,
and that's what happening.
So someone will come up and say something,
and something else,
as happens in democracies, in free systems,
somebody's going to say,
"I don't agree with that."
And they'll either say it from inside the tent
or outside the tent.

Dey: Capricorn
Henny Penny
I picked up a newspaper today
and I couldn't believe it.
I read eight headlines
that talked about chaos, violence, unrest.
And it just was Henny Penny --
"The sky is falling."
I've never seen anything like it!
And here is a country that's being liberated,
here are people who are going from being repressed
and held under the thumb of a vicious dictator,
and they're free.
All this newspaper could do, with eight or 10 headlines,
they showed a man bleeding,
a civilian, who they claimed we had shot -- one thing after another.
It's just unbelievable how people can take that away
from what is happening in that country!

Bahman: Aquarius
Tipping Points
No, I can't say we're at a tipping point.
I think that there won't be a single point.
I think a tipping point involves a single human being
that makes a conscious judgment that,
"The guy's going to be gone,
that regime's going to be over,
and I want to be a part of something new and fresh
going forward and not a part of that."
And it may happen to an individual,
it may happen to a cluster of individuals,
it may happen to an army unit,
it may happen to a village -- the bulk of a village.
It's unlikely to happen,
you know,
instantaneously across a country,
because the facts on the ground are so different
in different parts
of that country today that I think it would be unlikely.
I do think the concept of a tipping point is correct,
and at some point,
the aggregation of all of those individual tipping points
having been reached,
it will be in effect the country will have tipped.
But it will be cumulative rather than at one moment.

Esfand: Pisces
More Tipping
I do believe that we're seeing,
in the case of Baghdad,
it is tipping. I mean,
I think that that's a fair comment.
It doesn't mean that it's over
and it most assuredly is not over,
which is why I tried to properly balance
my comment the way I did, saying
there's going to be very tough days ahead.

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