To hell and back
October 24, 2003
The terminal was deserted, but it took me forever to approach her
counter and present myself.
"Has your heart been in your possession at all times since
you packed your courage?" she asked while checking my sexual
"Ummm...yes", I lied.
"Has anyone known or unknown to you asked you to carry their
troubles on your shoulder?"
"Just a reminder to check in your ego at the gate as there are no
carry-on items or baggage from your ex-flights allowed on this
"Well, can I at least take a parachute on board with me in
case of an emergency dump?" I asked.
"No, I'm afraid this is not Virgin Airlines. We either fly high,
or we go down together. We also do not make any stopovers at the
broken-promised land. Your flight departs right now from the Pearly
"Ok, I think I want a full refund."
"Insecurity!" she shouted into her microphone as she pushed
the reject button.
Dream # (74*7)+ 148
I was standing in front of the gates of Hell in the Iranian men's
line waiting to be "Sin Jimmed", chatting with a
bunch of stereotypical Persians who answered in monosyllables when
about their hi-infidelity towards religion.
Satan greeted me and proceeded to fill out the regular questionnaire:
"Hell-o. How are you feeling?" he asked.
"Dizzy. I still have a hangover from my previous life. I
must have drank too much from the fountain of youth."
"I think I lost it half-way to here, and now I have a crisis."
"Cause of death?"
"Matters of the heart complications."
"What is the purpose of your trip to Hell?"
"Miss Understanding told me to come here and see Johannah and Derek.
She said I was a horny little devil and I should
be here anyway. So how's business?" I asked, trying to chat him up.
"Pretty good, except for the occasional pacifists who manage
to sneak in. We just caught one yesterday, he was trying to put
one of our hottest fires, but we gave him Hell.
Do you have any Baptism or Zam Zam water to declare?"
"No, nothing. By the way, do you do racial profiling here,
I mean we all burn the same color, right?"
"Correct. But we do take color fingerprints for future reference."
"So, I've heard your fires burn on the Mid-East turmoil,
and this place will freeze over if they stop fighting over land,
or if they use up all the oil, or if ..."
"Rrrrright...." he said while flipping through my Sin
Jim files. He looked up and said: "It seems you don't
qualify for entry yet. You are still way below
our minimum requirement level so we'll
have to send you back to life."
"Really? She was pretty sure I would get instant admission
"Yeah, there's a lot of that going around. Please place your
fingers here and here and here. Thanks for coming."
"Ok, then ...damn it garm, and I guess I'll see you
Dream # -00.1971
Mother Earth's delivery ward was packed. I hovered
in the Body & Soul
lounge and chatted with my soulmates while I waited
to be reborn.
The Divine Interferer on duty asked: "Who were you last
I replied: "I tried to be myself, but I had too many lives
and not enough lifetime to live them all. As a result I turned
into a Schizo-Persian with conflicting attitudes so I couldn't
get along with myself."
"What about this time? Any preference?"
"You mean I get to choose? Then I want to opt out of human rat racism."
"You can only choose from Flora and Fauna anyway. We have orders
from above to hold off on Humans till He figures
out where He screwed up in the evolution, and why cloning and stoning exist in
time period. Besides, you are still fighting
to death over what will happen to you when you die. So do you want to be a dirty
or be a monkey and hang around till it's your
"Ummm...Sure! Any hot chimps gone through lately?"
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