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To hell and back

October 24, 2003
The Iranian

Dream #479
The terminal was deserted, but it took me forever to approach her counter and present myself.

"Has your heart been in your possession at all times since you packed your courage?" she asked while checking my sexual ID.
"Ummm...yes", I lied.

"Has anyone known or unknown to you asked you to carry their troubles on your shoulder?"

"Uhhh... no."

"Just a reminder to check in your ego at the gate as there are no carry-on items or baggage from your ex-flights allowed on this trip."

"Well, can I at least take a parachute on board with me in case of an emergency dump?" I asked.

"No, I'm afraid this is not Virgin Airlines. We either fly high, or we go down together. We also do not make any stopovers at the broken-promised land. Your flight departs right now from the Pearly gates."

"Ok, I think I want a full refund."

"Insecurity!" she shouted into her microphone as she pushed the reject button.

Dream # (74*7)+ 148
I was standing in front of the gates of Hell in the Iranian men's line waiting to be "Sin Jimmed", chatting with a bunch of stereotypical Persians who answered in monosyllables when asked about their hi-infidelity towards religion.

Satan greeted me and proceeded to fill out the regular questionnaire:

"Hell-o. How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Dizzy. I still have a hangover from my previous life. I must have drank too much from the fountain of youth."

"ID please."

"I think I lost it half-way to here, and now I have a crisis."


"Secular Alcoholic"

"Cause of death?"

"Matters of the heart complications."

"What is the purpose of your trip to Hell?"

"Miss Understanding told me to come here and see Johannah and Derek. She said I was a horny little devil and I should be here anyway. So how's business?" I asked, trying to chat him up.

"Pretty good, except for the occasional pacifists who manage to sneak in. We just caught one yesterday, he was trying to put out one of our hottest fires, but we gave him Hell. Do you have any Baptism or Zam Zam water to declare?"

"No, nothing. By the way, do you do racial profiling here, I mean we all burn the same color, right?"

"Correct. But we do take color fingerprints for future reference."

"So, I've heard your fires burn on the Mid-East turmoil, and this place will freeze over if they stop fighting over land, or if they use up all the oil, or if ..."

"Rrrrright...." he said while flipping through my Sin Jim files. He looked up and said: "It seems you don't qualify for entry yet. You are still way below our minimum requirement level so we'll have to send you back to life."

"Really? She was pretty sure I would get instant admission this time."

"Yeah, there's a lot of that going around. Please place your fingers here and here and here. Thanks for coming."

"Ok, then ...damn it garm, and I guess I'll see you soon!"

Dream # -00.1971
Mother Earth's delivery ward was packed. I hovered in the Body & Soul lounge and chatted with my soulmates while I waited to be reborn.

The Divine Interferer on duty asked: "Who were you last time?"

I replied: "I tried to be myself, but I had too many lives and not enough lifetime to live them all. As a result I turned into a Schizo-Persian with conflicting attitudes so I couldn't get along with myself."

"What about this time? Any preference?"

"You mean I get to choose? Then I want to opt out of human rat racism."

"You can only choose from Flora and Fauna anyway. We have orders from above to hold off on Humans till He figures out where He screwed up in the evolution, and why cloning and stoning exist in the same time period. Besides, you are still fighting to death over what will happen to you when you die. So do you want to be a dirty pig, or be a monkey and hang around till it's your turn again?"

"Ummm...Sure! Any hot chimps gone through lately?"

The Beginning

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By Babak Khiavchi




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