The Iranian


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Sehaty Foreign Exchange


November 9, 2000

Will you marry me?

Reading thru Banafsheh's stomach pain (dardeh del) ["Happy withoiut you"], I counted (approximately - pardon my hessAb-ketAb I am fairly knowledge-free :-) 22 "I"s and 29 "you"s. And only 3-4 "we"s. So I guess this has something to do with you and I. Forget the "we". We ain't no "we"!

Banafsheh joon.....don't put your hand on my stomach. I understand your pain. Will you marry me? I am looking for a soul mate. I do not need her to need me. And she does not have to cook. I can cook. I need to be challenged.

And I need you to be sophisticated and into your career so I don't have to babysit you. You need to be intelligent so with my looks (5'-3", 285 lbs, chapool, pashmAloo and three missing right toes) we can make it as a couple.

And I do NOT want to be the first man in your life. Being number 16 or 17 is good. I need experience. Lots of it. I prefer not to share you but if I have to, please don't tell me about it. I am "khar" enough.

I can differentiate between friends and lovers. Heck if I had as many lovers as I have bikAr friends....well....I'd be in Hog Heaven. How come there is that song "It's rainin' men's rainin' men...hahaha"? Why don't we just use women instead of rain?

By the way, I did think about going to Iran to get married. I talked to her on the phone. She was too independent for me. I suggested she get a masters' degree when she comes to the U.S. She said, "ahhh fuhgedaboutid"!

I want a marriage based on respect and love and friendship. Forget sex. Who needs that? If she has been sooooo active that makes me insecure, she will bring along some viral friends too. So let's get married without sex.

And who needs love. Unlike you, I never had any love from my family; "zood tar bozorg sho va az in khooneh gomsho boro biroon" was a phrase I often heard right before the "khAk andAz" landed on my head.

And even now, unlike you, again, I do not have any individuals who give me love. "Come on...give me some loooove!!!"

You are right. I "don't need a lover, girlfriend, or a wife to fulfill (my) emotional needs". Abbas AghA sareh koocheh will do all of that for me. So I take it back. I retract my concession! Don't marry me. Leave me alone. I am happy without you!

khAkeh zireh pAtoon
Asghar Jaragheh


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