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Friday
June 1, 2001

Electra conflict

Ms. Fassihian's article on the roots of relationship problems between Iranian men and women was disturbing for me ["Break the cycle"]. Not because I disagree with many of her arguments, and not because I am a mama's boy Iranian man with problems forming relationships and a huge ego the size of the Mercedes S-series I drive around, but because it places all the blame on the shoulders of the male counterpart of the relationship and goes further to blame the evil mother figure. Now this reeks of "oedipal conflict" or " Electra conflict" or whatever else you might want to call it.

You see, the problem is not that I have not been able to form a meaningful relationship with another guy, the real problem is that the evil mother (in law) has poisoned the innocent boys thoughts and so, he can't see the truth. She has taken him away from me.

How can anyone expect respect from someone they do not respect? Respect is a mutual thing. If you truly believe that all Iranian men are egomaniacs, it will be very hard to respect there thoughts and ideas when they are different from the mainstream. Any difference that Iranian men might have compared to non-Iranians will be explained by this element. Cultural differences will be marked as cultural deficiencies.

Don't be mistaken, I believe there are problems with our culture that need to be addressed and chauvinism is obviously prevalent in our culture, but I wanted to know what Ms. Fassihian meant when she writes:

"Iranian men actually like the successful and independent Iranian girls. Men date those interesting, outgoing, successful and challenging Iranian women who are brave enough to date them despite the warnings of their parents. Both Iranian women and men want a marriage with a partner they can talk to, with whom they respect, with whom they share the same interests, and with whom they meet themselves. But sadly, few of these relationships work out. Most of the time, it ends because the Iranian man mistreats the Iranian woman. Now this sounds like a gross and biased generalization. I'll elaborate in a minute."

Unfortunately she fails to elaborate on what kind of mistreatment she is referring to? I did not see a single example of what makes Iranian men so chauvinistic and intolerant of women's success? What is she talking about? Are we talking about the "aragh khor" husband who beats his wife and mistreats his children? I doubt Ms. Fassihian is talking about this group, which is obviously looked down in all societies (and exist in all societies, Iranian or not). She is upset that the highly educated men and women in Iranian society are unable to form lasting bonds with each other.

As she writes herself above, highly educated men also want their wives to be highly educated and smart. But strangely they always mistreat their loved ones. Could we have a few examples of these mistreatments? Could we see some evidence for her theories that Iranian men are inherently insecure and egoistic and as such become alarmed when confronted with their female counterparts success.

Read this part please:

"But let us explore why the Iranian man treats the Iranian woman badly to begin with. Again, I think it's an important generalization that a lot of Iranian men and women will agree with. Most of the time, the man who has been force-fed an empty pride since birth carries around a large ego, too large for the United States. He will not be compatible with a strong minded woman who is unwilling to compromise her fundamental values for his ego."

I guess Ms Fassihian likes to argue with reasoning such as "aftab aamad daleele aftab". Unfortunately this line of reasoning leaves us in the dark. If overt generalizations are to be made, I would like to see specific details, not philosophical ramblings. As a member of the Iranian male community, I find this generalization unacceptable. It very well might have been that in her experience, the men she has dated want her to sacrifice her fundamental values in the altar of the relationship. I have no way of knowing.

But reading her article, I notice she has some strange ideas about fundamental values in a relationship. Self sacrifice is considered the "evil of all evils". Maybe there lies the problem in forming relationships. Any one who has been married or even been in a long term relationship knows that the relationship can not survive with out self sacrifice, and by that I mean on both parts. We have to choose our priorities. We cant have it all. Each partner in the relationship gives up part of their hopes, aspirations and dreams and gains other things. It is after looking at the pro's and cons that we make the decision to continue or not.

Ms. Fassihian chastises Iranian families for infusing Iranian men with a sense of pride. I think maybe the problem is that many Iranian women are not proud of being women . I agree that our culture can breed that form of low self-esteem. What I cant agree and find insulting is blaming all things on men. It is the easy way out and it fails to recognize the deficiencies in both parts of the relationship. After all there are always two parties to a relationship.

Finally and probably most importantly, I am not even sure if the whole argument is valid. Abuse and mistreatment might be prevalent in less educated strata of the community and must be addressed by education and development of respect for women. A problem more prevalent in rural Iran. But we have no proof that highly successful and educated Iranians, especially ones born and raised in the US have "more" problems than their non Iranian counterparts in forming relationships. The fact that some marry non-Iranians and some Iranian couples break up is not proof in itself. Remember that the divorce rate in the US is about 50%. I believe this all started with the question "what do you have for me, Mr. Iranian man?" According to Ms. Fassihian, only contempt and arrogance. I guess another person could look at it and say, pride and self-esteem.

Mahmood Kanani

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