Letters February 2005
You deserve, and can do, betterIn response to Yasaman Rohani's "Cheating partners": Normally I turn my nose at stories that show women's weaknesses but I felt the deep sorrow form the first few lines. I never give advise because I do not accept them myself. However, I always share my wealth of experience with people and relationships where I have been the judge. I have also been asked for years to write about the pitfalls most of us encounter but refuse to learn from. First of all, one should never divulge at length in one's past because at some point if you become attached to this person you will begin to have visions of what he or she has told you and that may be very painful. For example if he tells you he loved a girl (and gives you description of her looks) and goes in detail about what they did (which is really in bad taste) initially you may be flattered that he is being honest but later on it will make you angry or jealous. If a person seems decent and interesting, who cares what he did in his past unless he was an asshole and a womanizer and as an intelligent woman you should recognize that right away. He will just shower you with flattery automatically and will tell you all the right words you want to hear.Normally I have no sympathy for women because they are their own worst enemies. They assume they can change a person or that life with them would be so spectacular he would change. Remember this from me and make it your quote of the day everyday and you will see how true it is. People fundamentally do not change. Now, if you go to any relationship with this in mind you will be on the right track Remember if a man has problem with fidelity normally it is because he was not loved as a child and is very insecure so he would cheat because immediate gratification by various women will give him a temporary sense of being loved. You can never help this kind of a man. Why? He would never admit to being insecure. The same goes for women who sleep around or wish to do so but do not have the opportunity. What I do not understand isthe fact that Yasam put herself through the pain of reading the e-mail. I bet you any amount that the content would never leave your mind and that would always pain you. I feel really sad that you had a breakdown but for the life of me a man is not worth it especially a cheater. You may assume that we are sitting on the sidelines and have not experienced love as deep as yours. Well, think again. Ours have been real and the men did not cheat but there were situations that were beyond our control so we did the right thing. We ended those relationships. Yes, we have had our share of thinking the world had ended and cried our eyes out and wanted to never face anyone. In my case I am always surrounded by decent, educated, attractive and successful men I have known for years so letting go was the most painful because despite being around so many men I had never fallen for any of them who had a lot more to offer. But, I did the right thing and the pain has slightly subsided. You on the other hand are setting yourself up for disaster. The reason you have taken him back is because in your subconscious you want to change him around and that would never happen. He cheated once he will do it again. I bet you $500 and you can hold me accountable. He was caught this time, he will find a away to do it without you finding out. What will be left of you if you ever found out? A broken, bitter woman with no self worth. And him? He will continue to do so until he can not use his mechanical belt and then would marry a 20 some year old relative to be his nurse. How do I know that? I have seen many examples throughout my life and even now. You come across as an educated and sensitive being then you should want the same person with integrity and sense of honor. Someone who loves you and being away does not worry you. Remember this original quote from me: "He is good and decent because he wants to be and not because he is in a relationship with you". Think about it. Despite its simplicity it is so profound. I say to men "I am honorable and decent because I answer to my conscious not because I want to impress people. I do not give a damn about what others think". Prevent yourself from further degradation and sorrow. This man has no respect for you or any woman who takes him back because deep in his heart he considers women who lack pride as "desperate and weak". He is not worth another breakdown and never mind the humiliation of "I told you So" form your friends and foes.You deserve better and can do better. My dad always says that people will be treated the way they demand it. I can not tell you how accurate that is. One more point, God has nothing to do with people's decisions. He has given us eyes and intelligence so let's use it and stop blaming him. If you do not leave him and stay, he will keep straying and coming back. I end this with a beautiful line from our beloved Hafiz: Hafeza gar naravi az dareoo ham roozi
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