Me and my iron
The possibilities are endless
November 7, 2002
As a little person, I have made my little peace with globalization and centralization
and all the other "isms" and "tions". In fact I now love all
of them. What adorable, practical and artistic concepts! I have finally seen the
light. I am now an enlightened creature of the world.
I am no longer watching my hairy-bleached navel in a permanent shoulder stand. All
my personalities have become "centred" and I could easily make a few bob
by guru-ing with the rest of you. No pills, no drinks, no drugs. Just religion. I
am a pure born-again globalizationalist with no opiate within reach. Honest, and
cross my heart and hope to take a trip to the moon as Zorro's wife!
When did this all happen? When was the big turning point in my life? When did I find
myself, after all that chasing of my own broken bottom to no avail and occupy such
dramatically important time in space?
It all happened when I indulged myself and my clothes, made out of wonderful oriental
and Asian textile offers that even Saint Laurent would die for in his retirement.
Apropos, what a scrumptious saint he has always been: didn't even have to pop it
before being canonized. As you can see, I love everybody now. The windows of my soul
It all revolutionalized itself on that fate-hopeful day, inscribed on my short forehead.
Tuesday 15th October 2002 at 15.12hrs, according to my credit card details in the
chillilized world. That is precisely when I bought my iron. It's gorgeous. It's contours,
it's colours, reminiscent of many a Damian Hirst cow or sheep cut in half. High Art,
But it's its name that tickles the bits that even Heineken doesn't reach: Powerglide.
It fits in so well with the rest of my eclectic "jahaz" (dowry): the fridge
called Candy, the oven/stove named Brandt (German "verbrannt" means burnt;
an omen?) and -- sorry to show off so much -- my washer AND dryer entitled Margherite,
not to mention Henry the Dirtdevil Hoover! It all fits in beautifully.
So, more power to me! I'm beginning to really enjoy the primitive Darwinian world
order, 'cause I have more reason too now! But it isn't just the iron itself, which
I have been shelving as a masterpiece never to be used except on special occasions.
I might fill it with Evian water one day for that extra special touch of depravity
and decadence and spend a very steamy afternoon indeed.
And it's not just the Powerglide itself; it's the instruction booklet that comes
with it. Wait for it. For Free! I can now, thanks to globalization move to anywhere
in the world and receive this piece of complete and utter aesthetic delight with
any iron I buy. It includes all sorts of paintings, mosaics, exotic characters which
are sometimes mistaken for English or Mandarin.
See, I don't understand any Norwegian nor Swahili, but it looks pretty; unlike modern
experimental art. The great advantage is that the instruction booklet as opposed
to modern lets-watch-paint-dry-and-get-meaningful art, is filled with pretty Korean
and Cyrillic characters and comes free with the iron. And it creates a community
of Powerglides across continents and cultures.
This is called new, now-even-more-practical-forever-everywhere-userfriendly art.
It's great! It's an inspiration! And it has instructive, educational pictures too!
Just imagine all those beautiful buttons to press and oopsy Daisy things that happen!
The booklet tells you all, in great honesty.
Ah, the sincerity of it is magnetic and magical! You can even turn it into a riveting
cartoon by flicking the pages quickly. Maybe they will come up with a macrobiotic
version soon and I can even eat and stuff myself healthily through the instructive,
artistic pictures? The possibilities are endless.
Today, I might indulge myself and make an almost pretentiously
meaningful film and turn off the music- no Wagnerian leitmotifs necessary ever again
- and really feel each moment that I see and then follow the instructions in Arabic
and press my iron's buttons.
Ehem. Such user-participating art is exhilarating, nay uplifting. Tomorrow, who knows
what I will be able to do. Fly? There are no limitations. My iron has changed my
life! It has given me spirit! It has fed my previously tethered soul!
Can't wait for my Powerglide to get suicidal next year and break down the day after
the guarantee runs out and I can buy myself a new, improved, clone version full
of new, free, goodies and share my moments with the rest of the Powerglide community
across the globe! Have I already told you how in love with globalization I am?