Satire

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Cool jobs
How do you become a suicide bomber?

August 23, 2001
The Iranian

First off, I need to establish the fact that I am no authority in matters that require thinking. As a matter of fact, I have found no reason to use my brain at all; I'm saving my brain cells for rainy days.

To make things simple, I have re-mapped the world into north and south. My Northern Hemisphere shelters most people. They are shamelessly stupid and brainless like myself. My Southern Hemisphere houses a small minority of brilliant people.

I hate smart people; they make me feel stupid. But it's ironic how they have to deal with the rest of us idiots. Imagine the pain and sorrow we cause these geniuses. I find that amusing. I figured, the greatest curse god can put on humans is not cancer, physical deformity, or mental abnormality -- it's brilliance. A brilliant person trapped in a world dominated by idiots. Now, that's what I call a tragedy.

Having said that, you will never find an intelligent person with a really interesting career. That's because we take all the cool jobs.

For example I always wanted to know how to become a suicide bomber? Do you apply for it? Do you need a resume? What kind of questions are you asked during the job interview? Obviously there are no retirement plans but is there health insurance, hazard pay, or workers compensation? Do they tell you something like, "Don't call us; we'll call you." How do you negotiate for salary? What if the bomb doesn't go off? Do you get demoted? How do they rate your yearly performance? Is there a union for suicide bombers? Do you get paid sick days?

"Sorry boss, I won't be able to blow myself up tomorrow. Doctor's order; got a bad flu. How about the day after tomorrow?"

You might be surprised but we idiots have a number of choices when it comes to selecting a career. Like the guy who is in-charge of chopping off body parts of convicted thieves. Now, that's a cool job. How do you advertise for a job like that? "The local law enforcement is looking for a motivated individual who is a self starter and capable of precision handy work. The candidate should have knowledge of the human anatomy and be good with knives and razors."

How do you learn a trade like that? Is there a school out there that teaches how to cut off fingers and legs? Do they have volunteers who donate body parts so you can practice? Do you need to be a biology major to apply? Are there any experienced candidates who apply for these kinds of jobs? If the answer were yes, then how would one gain experience prior to applying? How many fingers and legs do you have to cut to get promoted? What kind of promotion do you get in a line of business like that? Do they start you off with the pinkie and then move on to bigger parts like arms and legs?

The job that I'm interested in is lashing people. You know the one. They tie people around trees and telephone polls and whip them, 30, 50, even 70 times or more. That could be a fun job, don't you think? Now, that's a job that requires great endurance. Take my word for it. I was whipping my girlfriend the other day and after twenty lashes, I was totally out of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack. She kept saying, "More....more..." I said, "Forget about it. I'm dying here."

Does anybody know how to apply for that job? How do you get paid? Do they pay you by the number of strokes or do you get paid hourly? What would you put down as your occupation on a loan application? Occupation whipper? I like that title. It has a nice ring to it. Does the job involve research? Is there paperwork involved? Is reading and writing required? Do you need to pass a physical exam?

Don't you wish your dad was a whipper? Can you imagine the attention you would get from other kids if you took your dad to school for career day and had him talk about his profession?

But there's even a cooler job. Torturing. It's not every day you meet a guy who tortures people for a living. Have you ever personally met one before? I haven't. But how do you find a job like that? I am sure it's a kind of job that can only be given to someone with inside help. You definitely have to have some powerful connections in high places to get that job.

Internal memo: "As you might have heard by now, Haj Hassan, our oldest torturer who was a great asset, has retired. Therefore, there is an opening in our torture department in the basement. Qualified applicants should be able to work long hours, mostly at night. Be on-call 24 by 7. We are looking for take-charge individuals who are not afraid to show anger and make good use of it... "

How do you get paid in a job like that? Do they put you on commission like sales people? The more confessions you get the more commission they pay you? What if the guy you are torturing is a hard ass and doesn't talk? Do you get paid overtime?

I personally stay away from these kinds of jobs. I am not a technically-minded person. I'm incapable of working with electrical equipment. I won't be able to operate that electrical shock machine that supposedly sends current through the body. I probably will electrocute myself. I am also not very good at kicking and punching people. I was in a fist fight once and I ended up breaking my hand. That was not fun.

Are there any recruiting agencies out there that find people these kinds of jobs?

Comment for The Iranian letters section Comment to the writer Siamack Baniameri