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With or without you
I'm going to her again, taa bebinim chi misheh

February 19, 1999
The Iranian

    I have often been accused of being too devoted to impossible relationships. So, those of you who know me were not all that surprised when I announced my decision to go back yet again.

    It is hard to tell where this love -- that tends to drive me beyond all else -- comes from. Perhaps after all this time and careful study, I still have to confess that I barely understand her complexities and am often surprised by her. Or maybe it is something as material as not being able to get over the shape of her northern heights or the mystery of her valleys and forests. Perhaps her warm southern waters have the quality of the Nile -- which is legendary for making one return after having quaffed from it.

    So, despite all the difficulties and trials it entails, I am going back for another try. Having been down this road many times, I know all too well that my stay probably won't last. This may very well be one of those things that I can't live with or without. Am I destined to keep oscillating back and forth at such a dear price? Maybe. But I do know that regardless of how difficult she is, and the occasional mistreatmets, I truly love her. Or maybe I am so arrogant to think that she needs me... certainly, though, not as much as I need her.

    It will be a trying return. Nevertheless, whatever happens, I know it will be an experience that will stay etched in my heart like hieroglyphics on papyrus. As I said, I've been there before. Being in her arms is a strange way to exist; especially for those of us who are cultural two-timers: it is, simultaneously, heaven and hell; inseparable. Chances are that after some time, if history indeed repeats, I will need to get out and breathe freely again for an extended period. But the honest truth is that I simply don't know what is going to happen or how long I will stay with her this time. Funny, I can come and go, and yet she is always there for me. Despite distancing myself with oceans, I can never get her out of my mind.

    All I know is how I feel now: Great! Throbbing anticipation! Excitement! As I slowly uproot myself, I look around and find that I am free of all of my immediate surroundings, having never bonded with the here and now. The accumulation of "baggage" is not really my thing, so I can just as easily tear myself away from it all. While I loved my little arrangement here in Washington, DC, which has been my safe haven from a world I tend to complicate even more, nothing in it is of significant importance and I can detach myself rather easily.

    What is painfully hard to be distant from is all the love and support many have given me while I have been away from her. It was very difficult to have to choose between her and those who have permanently touched my life, as she implicitly demands. All the same, I go with an open mind and a free soul, throwing myself at the hands of fate like a true Iranian man. What I am certain of is that I must go to her, even at such a dear toll. I have thought about this over and over, and honestly, I simply can't imagine doing anything else, or being anywhere but with her. That is the strongest testimony one can ever have -- making the right choice when there seems to be no choice at all!

    Well friends, wish me luck. I am headed back to the bosom of the love of my life: my beloved motherland.

    Siamak Namazi wrote this as a farewell note to his friends before his departure to Iran.

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