We Don't Say Good-bye!

Azadeh Azmoudeh
by Azadeh Azmoudeh

Have you ever experienced saying good-bye to your loved ones. They can be your parents, kids, siblings, or friends. Farewell does not mean they are leaving this world, it can mean relational disconnection either temporarily or for good! It is a very hard process, one part of you is willingly doing it; however, the other part still yearns for her/him. No matter how many times and for how long you justify your action of saying your farewells, you are not yet free of guilt and/or regrets. Same situation has happened to me when I left the country. Although it was the utmost opportunity for me, I could not fathom the impact of my wish: Leaving my only parent-my mother. Three months before my father passed away, he became seriously ill, had two stokes and as a result he was immobile. I became everyone to my mother: confidant, helper, and financial decision maker. When the night of my departure came, I tried to avoid thinking of what could happen to her when I was gone until 3 months after my arrival. It was only then that I realized that although it was my decision to leave the country for my own sake, I had sacrificed that much including seeing her disappointed look! It too me a long time, 7 years, to get where I am now: through therapy and being in the counseling field. It took me that much time to process and get to know a better Azadeh! It has been 5 years that I am working on real me, still, there are times that my tears overwhelms me (just like right now)when I remember my last "good-bye" to my beloved mother.


Recently by Azadeh AzmoudehCommentsDate
Pro-choice, Man Advocate, or Feminist?
Oct 25, 2008
What a Small World II !
Oct 19, 2008
What a Small World!
Oct 04, 2008
more from Azadeh Azmoudeh

Thanks Azadeh aziz:

by Tahirih on

Glad to get to hear from you about my comment. Sorry to hear about your mom. You know you are very lucky to be able to go back and see that you do not belong there . I could not go back and suffered a lot, until a few years ago, that I started to hear people saying the same thing that you just mentioned about how different everything is back home.

I did kind of resolved some of the guilt, and started to think that I should not feel guilty for leaving my parents . But still once a while I do have this overwhelming sense of guilt. And the pain is intact, just in a box!!!

with most respect,


Azadeh Azmoudeh

Dearest Tahirih

by Azadeh Azmoudeh on

I have had no intention of ignoring you my dear. If I don't reply is because you are saying almost the same thing and I don't have any feed back on it, except that I say it in the blog. Nevertheless, this time I thought I have to, because I believe I feel no guilt at all anymore. It is a box of sorrow, I am with you there. This past Christmass, when I went back home and saw my mother for the last time (she passed away a month after I came back to the US), I realized that I do not belong there anymore, I mean in physical sense. When I compare myself with my friends whom have a pretty good life, I still find myself more fortunate to be where and who I am. So, there is no cry what I am doing here.

Tahirih jaan, it took me 7 damn years working absolutely on myself. Only focusing on me and I started it from my childhood, as far as I remember. My last trip to Iran, I decided to tell my mother and do stuff with so I do not have any unfinished business with her. In fact, when I heard the sad news I was so sad deep inside, but, happy too for myself. It may sound selfish (which I do not believe it is), but most of our problems are right there, it is either we can't forgive ourselves, or others!

Thanks dear for dropping some lines as comments.



When I left.....

by Majid on

My younger sister is my soulmate, she's the type that I get lost in time with when I talk to her on the phone... believe it or not sometimes 5 to 7 hours at a time.

The night that I was leaving the country I had a few moments with my mom, sisters and brothers separately.

Instead of talking, she played Ebi's song "shab zadeh" for me, and she said NOTHING at all!

There hasn't been "A" time that I listened to this song since and it hasn't been heart wrenching.


این داستان جدأیی را " از هر زبان که میشنوم نا مکرر است"!


Dear Azadeh, I relate to you so much!

by Tahirih on

There are so many of us , out there with the same guilt and pain. When I escaped Iran over 24 years ago, within couple of years my father passed away and never had the chance to go back and say good by.

Recently my mom comes for visits , but she is so lonely here , everybody is back in Iran , there is only me  here. some days at work I sit and cry and curse life for being so cruel. 

 This sense of guilt will be with us to the end,we just learn to block it most times and once in awhile as one of good friends say, we open the box bring it out , have a good cry and close it, put it away for the next cry.

You usually , do not respond to me, but it is OK, I wanted to tell you that you are not alone in this situation,we all walk together in the Vally of guilt and pain.



Azadeh Azmoudeh


by Azadeh Azmoudeh on

Thanks for the suggestion. I will apply it next time. A little suggestion for you, too. Sometimes, when people share such an emotional part of themselves with others (you included), it would be better to first give some reflections on what you read, then make your suggestions. That way you convey the fact that you read it and shows you are sensitive toward what has been shared with the readers.



Dear Azadeh, Unfortunately,

by Azarin at work (not verified) on

Dear Azadeh,

Unfortunately, saying goodbyes is a common memory for many of us, the Iranians in Diaspora.
Still, I think you should be grateful since your beloved Mom is still here and you have the possibility of going back to be with her.
You should feel good about yourself, since you went back to Iran during the period your Mom needed you the most, and I am sure the day you left, you knew the choice you had made was also the best choice for her.
When my father passed away (also 3 months after his stroke), my sisters and I asked my Mom to come living with us, that she refused first. She wasn’t sure to be able to adjust to the US and to leave her brothers and sisters and the support she had over there. But after one year of living alone, she changed her mind and now she lives very close to me.

But there also people with a deep sense of separation anxiety (like my lovely husband!) who would cry like a baby (at airports and at any “departure” situation) if anyone (even people he doesn’t like much) are leaving!

Wishing you the best,



by americanwife (not verified) on

Yes, I know what you're talking about. I'm happy that you've reached some peace but I totally understand the overwelming feeling that comes over you, at any time! The circumstances are very different but when I put my 18 year old son on a plane to Okinawa for two years I literaly felt sick. In his case it was the maternal tug of separation. I just flew back from the East coast celebrating my dad's 80th birthday and in this case I left with the realization that time is definitely NOT on my side. My heart leaps to my throat with every phone call... is this the one? Decisions are hard and I so admire you and yours. I wish you and your Mom the very best!


Separate your sentences and

by mo (not verified) on

Separate your sentences and paragraphs it'd read better.

It appears you are saying all of the above in just one breath! and many people don't want to be rushed into reading something so they just walk away.