Humor

سفر "جیش دارم" به ایران!

در این گذر اگر از اندک اشکالاتی که در پایین تشریح میگردد چشم پوشی کنیم، بقیه خاطرات سفرخوب بودند و بعدا درمیان خواهیم گذاشت. فقظ خواستم فردا دوستان نیایند گله کنند و بگویند "تو که میدونستی چرا واسه ما نگفتی." در طول سالها زندگی درامریکا من فقط یکبار به ایران رفتم که آنهم سی و دو سال پیش بود و سرانجام امسال با تشویق دوستان و فامیل مصمم شدم دیداری از وطن تازه کنم. لذا چند ماه قبل چمدان را بستم و با شوق فراوان و پس از انجام امور تجدید گذرنامه و سایر کارهای مربوطه عازم ایران شدم.>>>

Thus Spoke Zan Oosta

Once upon a time, a nice gal who was getting restless about running out of time for finding serious marital prospects went to Zan Oosta, her cynical but experienced friend who put it to her thusly: “Cast the broadest net that you can, aiming to catch the biggest and best but be ready to settle for the bottom feeders. For increased chances, string along a few, put them through hell and whoever lasts the longest is the one nature selected for you through its law of survival of the dumbest>>>

Akmed Strikes Back

I was getting on a flight to start my vacation. When I approached my seat, a nice Texan lady in the seat next to mine started eyeing me with a bit of suspicion. "What's wrong with you?... Your hair is all... dark and ethnic. Your eyes are so... not blue... so demonic. You look so... unlike us. Oh my god! I'm scared." Before I could react she began screaming frantically: "Marshal! Air marshal!" A mean-looking large man and a tiny one trying to look mean by chewing a toothpick jumped out of their seats, pulled out their Tasers, approached and assumed shooting postures. "Don't move, scumbag," yelled the large one>>>

What Women Don't Want

I was at a party when I was rushed to the roof of the building to save this beautiful Iranian woman who wanted to jump because another lady in the party was wearing the same exact dress as her. "Don't jump!" I screamed as I finished my beer and hid the empty bottle behind the air conditioner as you're supposed to. "Give me one good reason," she said as she gave me a sad, distraught look. "Look, I didn't think there would be a quiz when I was volunteered to come up here to play suicide prevention or else I would have studied. I can't think of a good reason. Can I give you 2 bad reasons instead?">>>

عشق پوسیده

فیلم "دزدان دریایی کارائیب" را به خاطر آورید و کشتی "مروارید سیاه" را ایران فرض کنید، و همه مان را نفرین زده‌های ابدی! به گناه حرکتی که در ابتدا عشق و گرمی‌ به وجودمان داد، و به لعنتی تاریخی‌ یا جبری جغرافیایی، که از آغاز جنبش مان را محکوم به شکست نمود. حالا، چه مثل نود و پنج در صدی که در ایران هستند و بر آن‌ "کشتی‌ سیاه" زجر میکشند و برای اربابانش فعلگی میکنند، و چه مانند پنج در صدی که اینور آب به زور و زحمت لقمه نانی در می‌‌آورند؛ مذاق جملگی تلخ است و طعم شیرینی‌ و عشق نمی‌‌بیند. پس، از عشق نمی‌‌نویسم؛ چون در دل‌ نسل ما سالهاست که مرده و پوسیده است. >>>

Empty nest

Humor and practicality have been my safety net through life’s ups and downs, especially the downs. Years ago, I used my imaginative mind to change those wasted summers of youth at my father’s farms into an education. While my older sister nagged incessantly about the unfairness of missing the city fun, I took the three months of life in Abbas Abad as a learning experience and tried my hands on a few native skills: field work, tending to livestock and weaving baskets. During school, whenever I came across a subject too difficult to memorize, I made lyrics out of such subjects as the table of elements, names of fossils, or human nerve passages>>>

از لابلای اخبار

اگر شما هم مثل من این روزها با نگرانی اخبار ایران را دنبال می کنید، حتما مثل من حالتان زیاد جا نیست. من فکر نمی کنم حتی طرفداران معدود احمدی نژاد هم از اینکه کوچولوی ریزه میزه شون پیروز شده لذت زیادی برده باشند. به هر حال خشونت ها و قتل و جنایت های اخیر خیلی از پرده ها را برای خیلی ها انداخت و چهرهء واقعی حکومت ایران را هویدا کرد. اختلاف نظرهای سیاسی به کنار، هیچ ایرانی با غیرتی نیست که از دیدن صحنه های اخیر دلش ریش نشده باشد و به روح و جد و آباد هرچی دیکتاتور قاتله (چه فول سایز، چه نیم سایز) صلوات بلند ختم نکرده باشه. خیلی دلم میخواسته برم دنبال دلمشغولی هام، باغچه ام، کتابهام، شعر و موسیقی، اما امسال تابستان ما فعلا که همه اش پشت کامپیوتر و با دلهره برای ایران گذشته>>>

The All-Seasons Man

Iran's Non-President Mamuti has said he is sorry that "some people do not know" his side-kick, Esfandiar Rahim Mashai, the well-known "friend of the peoples of America and Israel". Most people, of course, would thank God they've never had to get to know a charlatan who can make Mamuti look honest and educated. Mamuti, who appointed Essi as his top adviser after Khamenei took extraordinary action to prevent him from becoming vice president, says he likes him "for one thousand reasons." People would normally say "one thousand and one reasons"; but of course Mamuti is not normal.>>>

On Lying

When you are accused of rigging an election and disenfranchising millions of people of their right to vote for whichever asshole that you and your asshole friends have personally vetted and approved as per your religious, political, and ideological criteria, what do you say? On the surface, it’s an outrageous claim that is, fortunately, easy to counter. If I were Khamenei or Ahmadinejad or Khatami, I would just say to the people that there is no way that I rigged the election results, for the simple fact that the process by which the very candidates up for election were selected was our way of cheating the general populace; what need is there to defraud above and beyond this?>>>

کی چی شد؟

در این ماه اتفاقات مهمی رخ داد که باعث شد تعدادی از شخصیت های کشور از چیزی که قبلا بودند، خواسته و ناخواسته تبدیل به چیزی بشوند که نبودند. سید محمد خاتمی: یک فیلسوف اصلاح طلب که همه بخاطر او به موسوی رای دادند، تبدیل شد به یک فیلسوف اصلاح طلب که همه بخاطر موسوی دوستش دارند. مهدی کروبی: یک نامزد لر شجاع که اصلاح طلب بود، تبدیل شد به رئیس دیده بان حقوق بشر و رئیس سازمان زنان ایران و پس از انتخابات در شلوغی خیابانها گم شد. محمود احمدی نژاد: یک قهرمان بین المللی در عرصه خارجی و یک رئیس جمهور بدنام بی عرضه در عرصه داخلی که در عرض یک هفته تبدیل به یک جنایتکار جنگی در عرصه جهانی و یک کودتاچی بدنام بی عرضه دروغگو در عرصه داخلی شد.>>>

Recession Mesession

This is by far the best way to improve your financial situation. You can move to a country with a maid who will cook and clean for you all for the price of renting out your apartment. If you do not have an apartment you can work as a maid or cleaner in a developing country. The fact that you speak English and know the difference between wipe and smear will stand you in good stead. Too many cleaners in third world countries smudge rather than blitz. There is of course a moral issue – what happens to the native workers if we go getting their jobs? Screw them. How many third world people have come to the West over the years and taken our jobs here? It’s payback time>>>