Well it's Noruz, the Persian New Year, the start of spring — and what better than making peace with adversaries in the traditional Persian way? You see, soon it will be election time here in the US and time to wag the dog's tail. What supporters of President Bush need is a sudden boost in votes and nothing helps it better than the capture of Al Qaeda's leader-at-large Osama bin Laden.
You may have noticed that, once again, news is getting hot on the track of the aging Osama. CNN has a 30-second file tape on him with a cane in his hand, descending from a hilly path, which somehow reminds me of the path to Abshar Dogholoo, a spot in the mountains north of Tehran. It also reminds me of the movie Ten Commandments. It must be Osama's beard and the white robe, and of course the cane. But Charlton Heston looked more handsome and well-fed.
There are a variety of options for Osama to make his Anglo-British enemies happy and inspire chants of “the good old days are hear again” during the Republican Party Convention. Osama could be found in a dungeon ten feet under the ground, captured while playing with his X-Box, or inside a mosque in the heart of Kabul while making weapons of mass destruction, or just in a get-away house playing with his Axis of Evil. Similar scenarios, any of which would be a huge boost for the Republicans at this crucial election year.
But then for Iranian rulers, who are always ready to make concessions and turn a dog fight into a kissing ceremony, they may prefer to take credit for Osama reappeare in a more peaceful way: repenting for all his past mischief. The Iranian government would arrange this happy event and on the seventh day of Noruz announce to the world that Osama was seen near Shabdol-Azim Metro Station disguised as Haji Firuz, dancing and jumping in the crowd with a red uniform, funny hat, blackened face and half-ass beard.
Oh what a wonderful world this is! Osama in Shabdol-Azim could end up as our classic holiday-season movie along with the West's 1947 classic Miracle on 34th Street or the 1954 White Christmas. .
Our leaders can let the world know that they have awarded Osama with an honorary political asylum, known as Osama Cum Laude, which is equal to an honorary doctorate from Oxford. They can annouce that Osama “wants peace and tranquility for all mankind, including British Prime Minister Tony Blair.” They can show him on TV dancing hand in hand with with Khamenei and Khatami near the parliament building in Tehran, singing and chanting:
Arbaabe' khodam boz boze' ghandee
Arbaabe' khodam cheraa nemeekhandee?
Arbaabe' khodam Elizaabet ghashangeh
Maa naft ne-meekhaaim, kheilee boo-gandeh
Nafteh Khzar ham maaleh Engilis shod
Shish dongeh Iraq maaleh aaghaa Bush shod
Jangeh zargaree sareh chaaheh nafteh
Por-kon to sheekam een shabeh hafteh
Arbaabeh khodam boz boze' ghandee
Bush eidee meedeh cheraa nemeekhandee?
This way Iran can influence the US election for the 7th time in the past quarter of a century. With a winning card like Osama in their hands, they can exchange him for at least another 25 years of iron-fist rule over a forgiving nation.
My past comments that British plans in Iran — going back 200 years — are continuing, many skeptics started with their monotonous sermon on the demise of the “conspiracy theory”. But then quite a few changed their mind when Prince Charles visited Iran in February and did a political tango with Khatami. It was a clear signal to the world as to who's running the show in Iran.
What's brewing in the Middle East is what we call “Jangeh Zargaree”. It has one major focus: to keep China's hands off the world's largest oil fields. Look at a map of regional pipelines and you will notice that the flow of oil is in the opposite direction of China, who incidentally, has developed very friendly ties with Iran over the past two decades.
With its rapid economic advancement, China is a giant on the rise. It could swallow Russia's half-corrupt economy live if left un-checked. Russians have no choice but to succumb to the will of the British and the Americans and that is exactly what they are doing now. Putin's re-election and victory this week was an affirmative vote on this current trend. The UK-US-Russia trio is aimed at controlling China's rising dependency on oil to fuel its progress. China imported 91 million tons of oil in 2003, which is 31 percent more than the prior year. For years to come China will remain very vulnerable in the fight for oil.
The good news is that it's Noruz and we have to be happy and celebrate the coming of Spring, but the bad news is that with rivalries between China on the one side and Russians, British and Americans on the other, oil is and will continue to be the most volatile subject of the next decade's clashes and geopolitical rivalries.
There are few reasons to make any concessions to Iran for the kind of freedom Iranian youth are dreaming of. Clashes between Islamic sects, comical elections (what I call political insemination of selected members of Parliament in Iran and other countries in the region), and carte blanche to the West in exchange for survival of the corrupt regimes will continue.
While Osama would make an excellent Haji Firuz, the joke remains on the people of the region, sadly. ……………….. Peef Paff spam!
Farrokh A. Ashtiani is the founder of PersianParadise.com