In his speech on Monday, October 3 from the Rose Garden President Bush interrupted a reporter’s question on “why are we in Iraq Mr. Pre…” and changed the subject to a far more important, critical and sensitive issue -the “Bird Flu”. He artfully described how this virus can potentially kill millions and millions of innocent people while they are walking on the street minding their own business –a new weapon in the hands of the enemy of democracy.
Avian influenza (also known as bird flu) is a type of influenza virulent in birds. It was first identified in Italy in the early 1900s and is now known to exist worldwide but mostly in Muslim countries such as Indonesia since as you know it appears that all human problems initiate from Muslim lands, although the root might be in the heart of London and the House of Lords where it is fairly safe to say that most venereal diseases were originated from and incubated at that location. The thing is; history when written by the man that holds the sword is often lopsided.
Far more frightening than Hitchcock’s movie “The Birds”, Avian Flu is now considered to be the number one (“numero uno” in Spanish) weapon of choice for the terrorists, or else why would all of a sudden the President start talking about something that should normally be discussed by the Surgeon General or officials at the Center for Diseases Control, CDC? Well, as President Reagan while shaking his head used to say, “here we go again.”
According to unidentified but reliable sources inside the Arab television news agency Aljazeera, a new videotape release (available for $9.95 +S&H on their website) shows and discusses the new tool of terrorism against the infidels. The tape shows the man whom in the Arab world is widely known as the “Father of Aviation.” Not because he has contributed anything to aviation industry as did the Wrights Brothers or Howard Hughes, no sir.
He is called as such Father of Aviation because he was the first man who thought of using infected birds to inflict casualties on the enemies, hence Avian Flu. His name is Abu Tayyar and avid birdwatcher himself, also known as the “Birdman of al-Qaeda.” His father used to own a Jiffy Lube near Sunset and Hollywood years ago and he finally left US due to what he lamented as “slow business” not realizing that one should not open a Jiffy Lube on the third floor of a building without an elevator! The father now lives in the Punjab Valley in India practicing snake charming and sells hashish to English tourists.
According to unsubstantiated sources deep inside the Department of Homeland Security who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity (unless treated to a nice lavish lunch at a Persian restaurant) there are evidences and new information that the frustrated under-sexed agents of al-Qaeda are planning avian flu attacks on major cosmopolitan cities all around the world with the exception of London of course, since that city has become the number one protectorate of Islamic scholars, whom happen to be all Anglo-Saxon too.
The sketchy details are that Abu Tayyar has hired hundreds of birdmen from southern part of Tehran whom are widely known as the experts in flying homing pigeons. Flying pigeons is an industry flourishing since the dawn of Revolution in Iran due to severe unemployment among college graduates. Next to narcotics, flying pigeons is the fastest growing industry in Iran heavily subsidized by the government and the British Cultural Center in Tehran. According to the Minister of Interior, “Iran will be completely self-sufficient in narcotics by second half of 2006 and it will no longer need to import from Afghanistan.”
Abu Tayyar’s plan is to equip the martyr pigeons with the Avian Flu virus found and collected abundantly in any copycat Kentucky Dried Chicken in Tehran and then to bringing them on-board the oil tankers heading to the ports at major cities of the world where they will let the pigeons lose to fly away. These birds will fly around and circle the cities and when the nature calls, they will drop their deposits on innocent people’s latest automobiles, on roof of the building and on trees causing rapid spread of the virus and the deadly disease. The Department of Homeland Security has called this “the dastardly act of using CMD against civilized nations.” CMD stands for Chickens of Mass Destruction.
President Bush compared the deadly potentials of the virus to that of the influenza outbreak in 1900s when millions died all around the world and this time it can be even worse!
So, what does it all mean? First of all, it is a clever diversion to the war in Iraq and a new tool of unification in misery and induction of mass paranoia. Second, Iran will no longer need to pussy foot on its fictitious ambition of having a nuclear bomb, as this joke is losing its fun now and per instructions from the new British Ambassador in Iran they should change the game plan and rely on the new technology of BDDS.
Originally designed by engineers at Pyongyang University in North Korea and then sold to Iran in exchange for oil and dried apricots and hair removers, the acronym stands for Bird Deposits Delivery System or BDDS. The secretive technology allows installing small radio-controlled devices inside the volunteer birds’ digestive tract (golab-be-rootoon) and forcing them to release the content by a remote command. Push of a button a mile away and there goes the bird releasing its cargo with a sigh of relief while coming back home!
Recent satellite photos show that Iran is quickly modifying its nuclear facilities to become sophisticated poultry centers where the virus can be produced and research conducted. Israel has made recent threats that it will send army of butchers to slaughter all those chickens if they do not halt the research and enrichment of the virus. In response to the Israeli warnings Iran’s new Foreign Minister, Mr. Mottakey is said to have raised his thumb and uttered the word “beelaakh” incoherently.
There is currently no cure for the avian flu other than prayers, which have not been an effective medicine and panacea and only a pain reliever; otherwise the cleric regime would have been wiped years ago if prayers would have worked.
Aljazeera also reports that al-Qaeda has established chicken training camps in Sudan and remote locations in Afghanistan where young volunteer pigeons and chickens are trained for the attacks. The Homeland Security has issued yellowish-brown color of warning for major metropolitan cities advising the public to avoid close contacts with chickens and report any suspicious activities by chickens and pigeons. Avoid verbal confrontation and just call the authorities. Several bearded Muslim-looking birds have been detained since the news outbreak in and around New Jersey and Houston where most Muslim migratory birds gather for nesting and breeding.
According to the weekly bird magazine Newsbeak the public is advised to carry their binoculars wherever they go and constantly watch the birds and try to sketch the details on paper if they witness any suspicious activities. Avis the car rental company has decided to change its name to avoid any affiliation with birds and avian flu. A spokeswoman for Kentucky Fried Chicken has denied the rumors that some suspected chickens have been identified and arrested in their cargo.
Tyson’s Chicken of Arkansas issued a communiqué’ advising the public that all chickens are under constant watch and the few suspected ones have been put under arrest. Tyson’s spokesman said, “all chickens are created equal, we do not discriminate in color or race or religion or national origin, however, if we see anyone trying to destroy our democracy we will fight with our nails and teeth! He then proceeded to demonstrate the correct way of eating a chicken. The Audubon Society has decided to issue shotguns to its paying members to defend themselves against the flying birds. The Islamic Centers of Washington and London have issued no comments.
Fox Television has interrupted coverage of Iraq and Katrina disasters and now its entire focus is shifted to a new subject of paranoia, the Avian Flu. Stay tuned.
Farrokh A. Ashtiani is the founder of PersianParadise.com