BOB: Where are you from? MAK: Battersea. BOB: I've never seen you there and I live there. MAK: It's actually Clapham, not far. BOB: My uncle lived in Clapham. He would have said something. MAK: Okay. I grew up in Enfield. BOB: Enfield? Hmm. My brother-in-law, he lived there. MAK: Okay not Enfield, not Clapham. Richmond! That's where I'm from – by the river. BOB: Nah. You're having me on. Went to school with a Richmond bloke. MAK: “He would have said something.” BOB: You from London? MAK: Where does it sound like? BOB: I've never seen you once on a bus, or the tube. MAK: Well, here we are, pleased to meet you – Makan. BOB: Pleased to meet you Mak — Bob. Tell me, not a Harrow boy are ya? MAK: No. More of a barrow boy, me. BOB: Only um, I don't know anyone who lives there. MAK: You don't? Harrow it is then! Hold it, no. Me granddad was from Harrow. MAK: Never mind. Anywhere else you haven't been to? Sod it, I tell you what. I'm from Iran. That's where I am from. Persia. BOB: Purrrrrrsia, eh? Like the floating, grinning cat? MAK: No that's Cheshire. BOB: My brother used to work there in the seventies. MAK: What Cheshire? BOB: No, Persia. MAK: Well, obviously I can't be from there then. BOB: Eh? MAK: He would have informed you, would he not? BOB: You're right, he would. MAK: What was he doing in Iran, your brother? BOB: He was training the Savak. MAK: The Shah's secret police? You are having a laugh! BOB: He was. SAS. Training the Iranians. MAK: To do what? BOB: Bake biscuits. MAK: Eh? BOB: And cakes, Danish, pain au chocolate – the lot. MAK: The British coached Iran's Stasi to make cookies? BOB: Yeah, well. MAK: It's not what you'd expect is it? I would have thought extracting confessions, forklift driving – not home economics. BOB: It wasn't all about violence. It was about cookery too. Reverie. Crockery. MAK: Mockery. That's probably where the expression “Take the biscuit comes from.” BOB: Eh? MAK: Brits teaching us how to cook the damn things. BOB: Possibly. Look, my brother wasn't in surveillance. It was more counter-surveillance. MAK: What's the difference? BOB: Surveillance, you're watching someone – or someone's watching you. Counter-surveillance, you draw the curtains. MAK: They needed the Brits to tell them that? BOB: Well, a lot of people in your country had blinds. Not everyone had curtains. Lucky to have had him, you lot. Still, it's got to be said. He never saw you. MAK: Yeah, well, if truth be told, I was actually born in Baku in Azerbaijan. Not Iran. BOB: Azerbaijan? MAK: Don't tell me someone – your niece, grandfather, uncle, your great-granny – BOB: – No. No-no. Cousin. She got married in Azerbaijan. MAK: I'm running out of land mass. Oh dear. Just out of interest how about Rio? De Janeiro. BOB: Nephew, Stan. MAK: Johannesburg? BOB: Stepsister. MAK: Reykjavik. BOB: Aunt. MAK: (LOSING PATIENCE) Tokyo. Adelaide. Prague. Lima. Tell me something, where are you from? BOB: Hanwell. MAK: Hanwell? Charlie Chaplin went to school there. BOB: He did, you're right. MAK: He never said he saw you.