Dear Ms. Raji,
I am writing in regard to your recent article about safe sex, “Persians & Trojans“. As you specifically directed your article to the Iranian community, I hope you will forgive me, a non-Iranian, for proffering an opinion on your well expressed views. Having been married to an Iranian lady for nearly thirty years and being the father of a young woman who is every bit as Iranian as she is American, I believe that I have earned this right. You are certainly entitled to disregard my views, but I shall present them anyway.
The one sentence in your article with which I totally agree, appears in the third paragraph. There you state, “The problem isn't sex.” I couldn't have said it better myself. Sex isn't the problem. The problem is a lack of morals, principles and discipline in today's young people, but especially in young women. I know that by stating this, many young Iranian women will think that I am an old-fashioned, chauvinistic fool. They will think that I am one who abides the age old double standard which denies young women the right to freely engage in premarital sex without having her honor tarnished or having derogatory labels attached to their names and reputations while young men can do as they please. In fairness to myself, I believe that I am none of these. I am, however, a realist.
Just as it was permissible a century ago for a young man “to sow his wild oats,” if the opportunity ever presented itself, so too is it today. This is a fact of life. Another fact is, that like young women who a century ago risk everything if they engaged in sex before marriage, young women today who choose to engage in such premarital activities, risk much if their intimate experiences become public knowledge. Unlike young people a century ago, however, young men and women today, as you so well pointed out, risk their health and even their lives by having sex before marriage.
It deeply saddens me that many in second-generation of Iranian women in the West have adopted such a “ce la vie” attitude about sexual relationships outside the bounds of marriage. It doesn't surprise me at all, however, that young men have this attitude. Young men have always had this attitude and they always will. Every heterosexual male on the planet, from mid-teens on, far too often in life lets his little head do the thinking for him instead of his big head. All societies have always expected young women to exercise the moral restraint and discipline to abstain from premarital intimate relationships because unlike young men their behavior is controlled exclusively by the superior logic they possess in the head on their shoulders.
You state in the second paragraph of your article that, “Iranian men… are still fixated by our hymens and use this as a way to measure how good Iranian women are and how worthy they are of a relationship.” Let me tell you a little secret if I may. All men, not just Iranian men are fixated on a woman's hymen. The only difference between Iranian men and Western men is that if a man in the West waits to find a virgin to marry, he will spend his lifetime alone loving only his hand.
Few men in the world would desire a wife who has been intimate with another man. Unfortunately, Western men have no choice but to ignore women's past sexual indiscretions if they hope to marry and have families. If you think that Western men are just more tolerant and accepting of female premarital intimacies, let me assure you that we are not. Western men are no different from Iranian men in wanting a wife who has not been deflowered by another. Western men want their wives to come to their marriage bed as innocent and pure as the day they were born, but this is not a realistic option or ambition any longer for Western men while it still is for many Iranian men.
Whether you like it or not, this is the way it is, the way it always has been and the way it always will be. Men want to marry virgins. A man wants to know that his wife has no past sexual secrets or hidden intimate experiences when she comes to his bed on their wedding night. All men want this, not just Iranian men.
The problem of premarital sexual indiscretions in Western societies today can be traced to the Women's Liberation Movement. Prior to the 1960s, girls in Western countries were expected to save themselves for Mr. Right. Boys then, just as now, would plead, beg, swear undying love, and promise lifelong, fairytale romance, just to get a young lady to remove her panties. Back then everyone understood that boys would say anything to get the chance to put their dinky-winky in a girl. It was understood and expected throughout society that the young women, being able to think with their big heads had to exercise the principle and discipline to reject a boy's silver-tongued lies.
If was only when the Women's Liberation Movement began brainwashing Western women that they had the right to do whatever males did that traditional notions of morality that had existed for eons began breaking down. The Women's Liberation Movement gave young women a license to abandon their traditional roles as the guardians of their own chastity and to reject outdated beliefs in family values and personal principle. If young men weren't expected to show restraint, then the new, improved, modern, young woman didn't have to either.
Young men loved this new change in attitude initially. The Sexual Revolution was great for young men; lots of good, hot lovin' and free sex to be found everywhere. Another great benefit for the young men was that if a girl got pregnant, he could refuse to take responsibility leaving the poor girl to worry about the problem. Boys of earlier generations at least had the decency to marry girls in such situations because they knew absolutely that they were the one who got her pregnant. Boys in the post Sexual Revolution years could not be sure of this since girls could freely sleep with as many young men as they wanted. It wasn't until the development of DNA testing that this problem became relegated to the rubbish heap of history.
The Sexual Revolution has brought nothing good to Western society. It has so degraded and eroded our morals and values that people like me are viewed as whackos for thinking that today's young women would be doing themselves a favor by returning to and re-embracing those traditional values regarding premarital sex that served women so well for a millennia.
I have read over the years a number of iranian.com articles dealing with the issue of premarital sex written by young Iranian, or half-Iranian women, living both in Western countries and Iran. Many of these articles have promoted the twin ideas of sexual equality for women and safe sex for them too.
I am all for sexual equality among young people. If all girls would tell their boyfriends, 'NO… not before marriage,” the boys would be equally able to lower their sexual temperature with a nice ice cold shower as girls have always been expected to do.
I'm also a big believer in safe sex. Your generation isn't the first generation of Iranian women in the West to be worried about safe sex. When I met my wife back in the mid seventies, the United States was full of beautiful, young Iranian women. American boys had never seen women of such stunning, breath-taking beauty before. More than just that these beautiful angels from the other side of the world were conservative in a way we'd never seen. Furthermore, they exercised a very novel form of safe sex, we had never heard of … they simply didn't have sex outside of marriage p-e-r-i-o-d!
American boys had never encountered young women who believed that saving themselves for marriage was not only expected of them, but that it enhanced their character and desirability as women. We had grown up in the post-Sexual Revolution years where women no longer were expected to worry about such old fashioned notions like guarding their chastity and being a virgin on their wedding night.
It is these very virtues, however, which make a woman truly beautiful in a man's eyes. Every man wants to know in his heart-of-hearts that his wife has only given herself to him and shared those special, deeply private, intimate moments in life with him.
It is this knowledge that makes a man's heart secure, giving him the peace of mind to stay with and love one woman his whole life through both the good and the bad. Look at America today; broken families, single mother's, unwanted children, an epidemic of divorce, drug addiction, alcoholism and the steady decay and decline of morals, decency and values. All of these things are in one way or another related to the scourge of premarital sex.
I am so blessed to have married a woman who long ago rejected my premarital pleading to abandon her principles. I can't count the number of times as university student that she sent me to my dormitory to take a long cold shower while she went happily her separate way to the girl's dormitory. My roommates used to laugh at me when I'd come back to the dorm. They were having tons of great sex with American girls and they knew that the Iranian girl who was my special friend would not have sex with me. My buddies gave me the nickname, “old blue balls.” Although they got laughed quite a bit at my expense as a very sexually frustrated college teen, I have gotten the last laugh in life because I ended up getting the girl I wanted, she became the mother of my children, and, as each year passes with more and more of my hair turning gray, I have the sweet knowledge that she will be with me till my dying day.
Believe me, Sanaz khanume, if she had given herself to me before marriage, I would never have married her; not back then or if I were a young man now. Young men today are no different from the generations before. Women are desirable to us only as long as they remain unattainable. If a young woman says “NO” to premarital sex, a young man will follow her to the ends of the world or even walk though Hell's own fire for her.
If, however, she believes his silver-tongued lies, or out of true feelings of love wants to “share” herself and her “passion” with him, he will leave her broken-hearted. Once she gives herself away so easily, she no longer presents a challenge to him. She is no longer unattainable, for she has been attained. Just as mountain climber wants to climb new and higher mountains, a single young man who has gotten sex, without having to pay the price of a wedding ring first, will always look for a new woman to become his Mt. Everest.
I know that you will disagree with me, but in my humble opinion you are only making it easier for young Iranian women in the West to reject traditional values by encouraging them to use condoms for premarital sex. Why not tell them instead to wait until they have a ring on their finger? I am fully aware that some people will have sex before marriage, no matter what, and that condoms in those cases could save lives, preserve sexual health, and prevent unwanted pregnancies, but a return to the values of the generation of Iranian ladies the came to the West just thirty years ago would do the same thing.
Why advocate the adoption of the worst the West has to offer Iranian women-its sexual immorality? Why not instead advocate that young Iranians teach traditional Iranian values of premarital sexual absainace to the West's lost generation of young people who no longer have a moral compass to guide them in sexual matters?
Regardless of what you may think of me, please know that Western men respect traditional Iranian family values and a rejection of sex outside of marriage.