According to Jeff Stein of Congressional Quarterly, in 2005 and 2006 the FBI sifted through the records of Bay Area grocery stores to see if the sales of Middle Eastern Foods would lead them to any Iranian secret agents.
I am totally serious.
Although this was an idea that came from the top, it did not last long. Possibly (and hopefully) because somebody in the FBI must have finally burst out laughing at one of the staff meetings, and said something like, “Guys is it just me or is this a completely stupid idea?” The concept that Iran’s best secret agents would trip up by making rather substantial purchases of eggplant, mint, garlic, and onions, and a mystery ingredient code named “kashk”, is well…total Kashk! That and that LA is a den of potential spies. Anyone can tell you that a majority of LA Iranians often have the same look, but that it’s not “nervous suspicion” but more likely “annoyed constipation”.
But that’s not where it ends. The FBI it turns out according to Stein, was looking for Falafel and Hummus purchases too, which as we all know are not Iranian foods but Lebanese fast food snacks. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt and grant that they are bright enough to know this and the thought was that the Lebanese snack connection could in fact be a Hamas connection to Iran, (or a plot by the VeganOrganic Alliance Army to liberate Americans from the pork and chicken factory farm conglomerates). While these are plausible dots to connect, unfortunately I can’t stop laughing as I’m writing this. The assumption seems to be that the one weakness of Iranian and Lebanese spies is that while they are trained to resist all US advanced torture techniques like 15th century waterboarding, the one temptation they simply cannot resist is a good supply of homemade Falafel and Hummus while on their missions!
This must be the same department that thinks the terrorists are still using cellphones and the internet to coordinate the next pointless attack. This past Wednesday, Mark Klein who in spite of the fact that his name sounds like it, is apparently not so pro Israel (and therefore pro US mid-east policy), that he would not stand up at the Senate Intelligence Committee, and swear against the US government and worse, his former employer AT&T, and blow the whistle and in detail explain how AT&T was ordered to tap the communications streams (cellphone, internet, etc.) of people the government wanted to listen in on.
So, what’s next?
Well, I’ve come up with a few suggestions that need to be looked at and if anyone at the US State or Agriculture department needs the help of a good Iran food or conspiracy theory consultant, I will be happy to help out. My rate? Just pay me 50% of what Blackwater gets paid per day.
As anyone knows Lavashak is a strange malleable material that can be used for a variety of purposes (One possible use of Lavashak as a torture technique is the inadvertent removal of tooth filings which gives you that awful cold air sensation chill, Man! I hate that!). To be safe, I suggest we track the sale and movement of all Lavashak from Southern California to the North. South to North because all the good Lavashak comes from LA. You see, this is the kind of time saving insight you will get if you hire me.
What is this strange substance? Is it merely runny yoghurt? Is it super sour buttermilk? And how do they get it to be so explosively fizzy? I would recommend a scientific study (possibly NASA) be commissioned to decipher first off exactly how this drink could possibly exist physically, then when we know more about it, why the only people who apparently like it and are actually refreshed by it, are Iranians. One possible use for it is to test the identity of any unknown suspect. For example, if a detainee at Guantanamo deprived of water for 3 days, says something like “Aaakheyysshhh!” when given Doogh, they are most certainly Iranian.
As you know all Iranians have a genetic fondness for Ghormeh Sabzi. In fact you may not know this, but Ghormeh Sabzi is also known as “Iran’s other Religion” The other thing you should know (Gosh! There’s so much you should know!) is that when Iranians sweat after eating GS, you can smell the GS. Occasionally as steam off their heads. Hence the classic Persian literary term (Kalash Booyeh GS Mideh). Ipso facto, ergo sum, smell GS, and a sweaty Iranian is somewhere nearby. I would be happy to conduct a 3-day seminar at Shalizar Restaurant in Burlingame (right off 101 near the SF Airport) to help train all law enforcement K-9 patrols across the US to add the smell of GS to the portfolio of smells associated with perps.
Blonde Hair Color, Peroxide, Blonde Wigs and Fake Blue Contact Lenses:
I would immediately begin tracking the sale of any of these or related cosmetics and accessories. Since the current suspect profile is for dark or olive skinned men who look like the Disney depiction of Alladin and that short big nosed merchant in the Bazaar that Alladin’s monkey steals fruit from, we cannot be too safe in assuming the enemy has not taken this into consideration. Expand the random airport screenings to include blonde blue eyed people as well, just to send them the message. Additionally I would question blonde cultural icons such a Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, to ensure they are who they say they are, and specifically that they’re breasts are not explosive devices (I can also help in this) waiting to go off at trendy club openings, and that enshallah they have not been craftily replaced by doubles, just like in the James Bond movie “Thunderball”, where that SPECTRE double was surgically altered to look like the NATO pilot to steal the plane. Man! I loved that film…
…er uh, Anyhoo, you get the idea. These are just a few ideas we can spitball. As you can see I have a knack for paranoia induced conspiracy theories, after all I am an Iranian! But I urge that these must be tracked down as soon as possible, or else the Terrorists win.
Other than that, all I can say to help you is to quote one of our famous contemporary poets Omid Djalili who once said, “The terrorists are trying to put the “Fun” back into Fundamentalism, too bad they forgot about the word “Mental”…”