Episode 5: Fawtee
Fawtee is a 39 year old woman who still listens to punk rock and despite finally coming to the conclusion of trying to find someone to settle down with she can’t shed her punk style. She met Hajiagha online.
Hajiagha: Hello. When you said lets meet in Starbucks I was going to say I don’t like Starbucks with their expensive coffees but then I said which is more important $4 coffee or meeting you in person.
Fawtee: I must have coffee with everything. Having coffee before a blind date helps me calm down and Starbucks has extra dark Bolivian coffee which is more soothing to me.
Hajiagha: Why are you wearing black? Did you have someone pass away recently?
Fawtee: No. Black is my favorite color.
Hajiagha: You are not kidding. Black clothes, black lipstick, black nails, black scarf, black stockings, black boots. I thought I had seen enough black in Iran with aza banners and so forth.
Fawtee: Black represents the injustice and rebellion against stupid leaders.
Hajiagha: Yes stupid leaders. My avatar has fists pumped up like you just did. You are not a feminist? are you?
Fawtee: No. Death to feminism that shackles women! We need more freedom!
Hajiagha: How much more freedom do you want?
Fawtee: You’ll see. Are you here to talk politics or do you want sex?
Hajiagha: Are we going to have sex?
Fawtee: No sweetie, not now, I was just joking. So let’s talk about you. Why did you want to meet me?
Hajiagha: I am looking for a wife. Do you want to know what I do for living?
Fawtee: No. These capitalist pigs just work us like slaves just to pay bills. Work sucks.
Hajiagha: You don’t look like the photo you sent me. You have too much black and in the photo you sent me you had red hair.
Fawtee: Black is my party color. They don’t call me FawteeCommando for nothing.
Hajiagha: You are speaking kind of Chinese to me with all these black stuff. I’m trying to find a wife. What do we do now? Plan our wedding?
Fawtee: Come on sweetie. Hold your horses you have to meet my friends and we go out few times and then we can get married. I’ve been looking online for a husband or a semi-husband for a while too and I’m kind of tired so I don’t care that you are a clueless Muslim. Islam is underrated anyway.
Fawtee and Hajiagha plan a date to go to a punk club and have “fun”. As you can imagine Hajiagha is going to be like an elephant in the room not fitting in.
Hajiagha: THIS IS TOO LOUD. WHY IS EVERYONE BOUNCING THEIR HEADS LIKE DERVISHES? ARE THEY ALI-ALLAH-EE?
Fawtee: IT IS CALLED HEAD BANGING. TRY IT. LIKE THIS.
Hajiagha: I CAN’T. I’M GETTING DIZZY BY JUST LOOKING AT YOU.
Fawtee: SHED YOUR RULES, MUSLIM! GET DOWN!
Hajiagha: WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.
Eventually they go outside in a yard where people are smoking.
Fawtee: Have a smoke. These are funny cigarettes. Wink, wink!
Hajiagha: No thank you. I don’t like hashish.
Fawtee: Do you want wife or not?
Hajiagha: Oh what the hell. Everything faday-e wife.
They smoke and have tequila shots.
Hajiagha: Can I squeeze now?
Fawtee: Wait till we get home.
They go to Fawtee’s studio apartment.
Hajiagha: Nice place. I used to be the Super for a building like this. A gay guy used to be my upstairs neighbor. A lesbian was my next door neighbor. Children young as 13 playing soccer in hallways.
Fawtee: Don’t be uptight against gays and lesbians. You want a wife or not?
Hajiagha: You seem like a proletariat with this small and dingy apartment? Did I say it right? Working class, you know?
Fawtee: You talk too much. I told you they called me FawteeCommando. Wait here and I’ll change into something more appropriate in the bathroom. You can watch one of these porn DVDs if you want.
Hajiagha gets undressed and lays naked on the pull out sofa waiting for Fawtee.
Fawtee: Who told you to get naked? Huh? LAAAASSSHHH!!!
Hajiagha: AAAKKKHHHHH!! Why are you hitting me? Shallagh yani che?
Fawtee: It turns me on. Say I WANT MORE MISTRESS!
Hajiagha: I don’t want more.
Fawtee: What is the matter? You want Viagra?
Hajiagha: No last time my Bijan set a world record. It must be your black color and now shallagh which is making Bijan act like a scared turtle.
Fawtee: LAAAASSHHH!!! Say I WANT MORE MISTRESS!
Hajiagha: AAAKKKHHHH!! You are a crazy bitch! What happened to something soft and gooey?
Fawtee: LAAAASSHHH!! You male pig! Kiss my boots!
Hajiagha runs out naked grabbing his clothes and gay neighbors whistle at him!