Among all the self-congratulatory euphoria caused by the recent California Supreme Court decision to legalize same sex marriage and the resulting frenzy by hundreds of gay and lesbian couples lining up to get that coveted certificate from city hall, one minority group has been left in dire straits. Yes, I am talking about those gays and lesbians who are desperately commitment phobic. Hey, for every same sex couple sprinting towards the altar, there has to be an equal number of gay men and lesbian women who are today cringing at their mate triumphantly giving them the ultimatum finger: Put a ring on my finger, honey or I am out the door. Welcome to the club of heterosexual, marriage-avoiding perpetual bachelors and bachelorettes. They have been dealing with these problems for years. And now your turn to be screwed (no pun intended).
Now that there is no more excuse that it’s illegal, every moment becomes a potential pressure cooker, as it has been the case for heteros for years. Like every time that diamond commercial comes on TV, and you feel your partner’s eyes dig into your temple like lasers. Or being invited to yet another friend’s wedding and having your partner tackle 38 other hopeful singles for the magical bridal bouquet. The question will hang in the air like a knife hanging pointy side down over your head while your sleep and just like the heteros, you will not have another peaceful night sleep.
So, from the hetero community, here are a few tips to avoid your partner’s pressure to walk down the aisle. Heteros have been somewhat successfully using these gems and are willing to share, since you are all a bit new at this:
10. I am moving to Yemen. (This is for fans of the TV Show Friends).
9. I promised my mom I would marry my cousin from Iran. (This is a shout out to Dayi Hamid, rest in peace).
8. That is NOT my baby!
7. I have been talking it over with my therapist and I think I’m…gulp… yes I’m straight! I guess I have just been fooling myself all these years.
6. I can’t get married without my mom here and the U.S. Consulate won’t issue her a visa.
5. I’d love to get married, just as soon as I lose these extra seventy pounds, so I can look good in the pcitures.
4. We don’t need a piece of paper to prove our love. (Especially not when that piece of paper is a binding contract entitling your gold digging ass to half of my hard earned assets, which I promised to my mom anyway).
3. I have to divorce my Green Card wife first and I have no idea where the heck she is.
2. You deserve better than me.
And the number one reason you can give NOT to get married:
1. I’m just not that into you.