According to King James I of England, smoking is “a custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, dangerous to the lungs, and in the black, stinking fume thereof, nearest resembling the horrible Stygian smoke of the pit that is bottomless”. He was a man ahead of his time! For today, the health hazards of smoking are well documented and medically indisputable. More importantly, the dangers of smoking are public knowledge.
Without a doubt, those of you who continue to ignore the medical evidence labeled on every package are slowly committing suicide. I’ve often wondered why you choose to smoke knowing full well that eventually (and almost surely) smoking will either kill you or give you horrible illnesses.
If you think I’m exaggerating then let me tell you that 90% of all lung cancer deaths are caused from smoking (not to mention it’s been linked to one third of all cancers). Smoke ‘em up people…
It’s easy to see why very depressed people would smoke. They’re drowning in a dark abyss and couldn’t care less about the negative side effects of smoking. Try telling a bankrupt, recently divorced, father of 4 who can’t see his kids anymore and just lost his parents in a war crime, not to smoke! So I’ll leave “bad bakhts” alone. This category of human beings should continue to smoke, and probably have several drinks every night too. Some pains can never be alleviated and if smoking manages to offer some kind of relief, then it can’t do more harm than good. We hope of course that all bad bakhtis will go away. One day, with sound body and mind, we can hold hands and be shiny happy people. But I’m not getting my hopes up!
As for the rest of the smokers, I don’t know what is going on their heads. But I’ve noticed some patterns of behavior specific to them.
First of all, they spend a lot of cash on cigs. They don’t care about the money they could be saving if they give up their nasty habit. They prefer to buy cigarettes on a weekly basis than use that money for something more productive. Poor people should be more concerned with this issue but it’s something rich people should think about too. If you have cash you don’t care about, I’ll take it!
Secondly, they huddle together. They have a brotherhood, not much different from cops. Smoking gives users a chance to meet others outside every building. Most of them might not even be aware of this. They take their cigarette breaks together. Share lighters. Puff on each other’s clothes. Awwwww, so cute! The little head tilt or the occasional “hi” is a great conversation starter. I’ve noticed that at every place I’ve worked, smokers all know each other and are friends. They look pathetic smoking outside when it’s minus 35 degrees but hey, at least they freeze and smoke together! Ta aakharin ghatreyeh khoon!
Smokers love to come up with all sorts of excuses to justify their habit. The most creative one is (maybe you’ve heard it too) that French people smoke and drink a lot but have very long lives, so smoking can’t be all THAT bad. I don’t know which moron came up with this justification. Basically, it’s like saying, doctors, researchers, medical experts and those who have dedicated their lives to studying the human body tell you that swallowing glass is very dangerous. But you decide to do it anyway because you saw that some people in India do it all the time. So how dangerous could it possibly be? Oh brother! No one ever mentions that French people don’t have sedentary lives like North Americans do. They walk a lot. Many of them are on the country side. And there are so many other factors that contribute to their long lives. Besides, who said they actually DO have a longer life span than others? Could it be that this life some are using as a model is filled with mucus, coughing and disease?
Smokers also contend that tobacco isn’t as harmful as other substances, suggesting essentially that they could be smoking worse things. So let me get this straight, now we’re choosing which substance is better than which? How about this: they’re all gonna eventually kill ya! And it won’t be pretty.
Don’t smokers just stink? Their clothes smell bad. Their cubicles smell bad. Their finger tips always smell bad. If you sit with one of them, you have to wash your hair afterward. On the bright side, they’re big consumers of gum and tooth paste so at least they control that bad breath they get from huffing and puffing.
Smokers are dirty people too. One cannot be perfectly clean and smoke at the same time. No matter how hard you try, little dust stuff flows through the air and finds its way on all sorts of things. Have you ever had to blow your nose at a smoker’s house? The smoky smell of the freaking Kleenex is enough to make you sneeze. And I’ve never met a smoker who can clean that stuff up as fast as he disperses it, although they all live under the illusion that they can (like pet owners). All the cigarette butts are thrown all over the place. These people dirty the street, buildings, bathroom etc. Their houses never smell fresh, no matter how hard they try (even when they smoke outside of the house). They’re quick to point out that other people aren’t as clean as they think they are but who cares? How does someone else’s problem fix yours? Worry about your own bad habit before distressing about others.
Every place I’ve worked at, smokers have by far taken more breaks than non smokers. If you add all the minutes they walk outside and back in, and the time it takes them to smoke (it’s usually longer if they have a ham paa), you’ll see that it adds up. I think it’s discrimination because if a non smoker left his desk for the same amount of time and just disappeared, people would notice. In addition, smokers take more days off work through illness than non-smokers and are more prone to common illnesses such as colds or sore throats.
Some fat smokers have told me they’re afraid of quitting because they’ll gain some weight. I guess they prefer to be fat smokers than just fat. I would think that a logical plan would be to get healthy by first quitting nicotine and then getting in shape. But what do I know.
For the most part, smokers are rude too. They are talabkar that they can’t smoke in public places! The non smoking majority didn’t want to get cancer by being exposed to the carcinogens smokers blow in the air, imagine the nerve these healthy people have! Parents didn’t want advertisements of this lethal drug in schools, at sporting events and at festivals, and the majority of smokers just didn’t get why. They dispose their phlegm on the street. They cough loudly in public. Sure, this doesn’t apply to all smokers, but I’m generalizing here.
There are a percentage of smokers who understand all the medical hazards and happily comply with all municipal codes regarding public smoking. This group is happy to oblige the rest of us and assert that smoking is bad. They’re apologetic. But since they continue to smoke, I can only conclude that they are lazy (don’t want to do the work to quit), that they don’t have will power and have generally given up and want to “accept” themselves the way they are. Hey, if slow suicide doesn’t bother you, then you probably belong in the bad bakht category described above.
Having said all this, I admit that smoking is cool. Where did you think my speech was going to lead? Yes, I used to smoke. Every once in a while, I still manage to sneak one past my lover’s very nosy nose. Nothing like tar and nicotine to give you a buzz first thing in the morning. Ahhhhhhhhh.
Humphrey Bogart smoked and he was very sexy. Bad boys smoke too, and who doesn’t love a bad boy? Many celebrities do it too and they’re trendsetters. I can’t explain it, maybe I’m a moron too, but smoking is just…cool.
There are so many varieties of cigarettes. They’re slender and light between the fingers. So fragile to the touch! You almost want to kiss them and take care of them. And when you ateesh one, you can relax and just look around. Take in the scenery, people watch or just drown yourself with your own thoughts, you know, plan out the day.
They taste great with coffee don’t they? And after a big meal, food or otherwise, they stick well. If you’re deep in conversation you can take the plastic wrapping off the package and try to put it back on again, without wrinkling it. It’s so much fun. I get excited just thinking about it.
When you sit with a bunch of other people and just talk and drink and debate and intellectualize (in black turtlenecks of course) and smoke, it’s just so darn lovely. And it gives you a chance to go back to the bathroom and fix your lipstick and chat with the girls and exchange make up tips.
That smell that comes out of a virgin pack when you first take the wrapping off…sweet Jesus help me.
But! Before I pick up the next cigarette, I must choose which one I’d rather get: Lung Cancer, Cancer of the mouth, the throat, the larynx, the esophagus, the bladder, the pancreas, Stomach cancer, kidney cancer, Liver cancer, Cancer of the penis (oh yes it exists), Cancer of the anus (yup, this one too), Cervical cancer, prostate cancer, Asthma, heart attack, coronary heart disease, cardiovascular disease, congestive heart failure, stroke, atherosclerosis, Abdominal aortic aneurysm, Peripheral artery disease , Stomach ulcers, Cataracts , gum disease, blood pressure problems Crohn’s disease, premature aging of the skin, loss of smell & taste, Osteoporosis, Gangrene, Leukemia, Angina, Emphysema, Chronic bronchitis, pneumonia, impotence (vay khak bar saram khoda nakone), reduced fertility etc As a woman I think choice number 11 is safe! Today is one of those days…I’m going to sneak one past him! It’s a beautiful life. Be salaamatieh Akhavan in DC.
