I’ve been wanting to blog about porn for awhile but there are so many obstacle to such a blog. First and foremost, what else will be left? No I’m not referring to my dignity, but once I blog about porn, will there be anything else to write about? What if it’s the end of the road? Secondly, I don’t want to end up debating the politics of it, ruins the mood if you know what I mean.
But against all odds, I’ll sail forth.
Where do I begin? I feel like a kid in front of pizza, candy AND chocolate all at the same time. What to watch? What to discuss?
Yes, I’m a woman. Yes, I’m Iranian (well mostly anyway) and yes, I love porn. So much so that I don’t understand people who don’t love pornography. Who doesn’t want to watch attractive people fuck?
The first time I saw pornography was when I was probably about 13 years old. I was at a friend’s house and she put on a vhs tape from her dad’s dresser. It was disgusting. Some poor woman was walking down the street and got raped. And this was in the classic 70s style porn, hairy bodies and all. I don’t know what to classify that sort of thing. They were acting it out so it was porn but it’s sick. I don’t know how anyone can get off on that kind of thing.
Fast forward a few years to my late teens. No, the aforementioned experience didn’t put me off completely. And Yes, I did go many years not thinking about sex, I was a late bloomer. In fact, as stupid as this might sound, I didn’t know about the mechanics of sex until I was probably 16ish. It just never occurred to me to think about it. I was busy with other stuff.
Anyway, one night I was baby sitting 2 bratty kids I COULD NOT STAND. They did their catholic prayer; I think they called it catechism or something. Brushed their teeth and off to bed. I turned on the TV and flipped through the channels. Holy Mother of Sweet Jesus! Some black guy was, well I don’t know how free I can be with my language here, he was involved in a pre coital activity involving fingers. I nearly fell off the sofa. I of course, being the good Iranian girl I am, turned the TV off and did some home work. Perhaps if their god damn dog wasn’t staring at me, I would’ve watched more. Then of course, it occurred to me that the kids’ parents probably watched it and I almost puked (ogh’d) on the carpet. The parents were both fat and the father was hairy. And they both indulged in very garlicky food. To think that good porn was wasted on them is almost criminal.
I had other brushes with this film genre. Eventually I decided I liked it.
The problem now is that all the women have fake breasts. Sucks! No pun intended. Because I get distracted trying to figure out they’re real or not. And then, I wonder how they feel (I’m not a lesbian, I’m just curious). Do these women ever miss their natural boobies? They must! How could they not?
Also, some of the conversation is really tacky. When the actors try to act out the Sopranos or something…come on, just get naked and do it, if I want to watch the Sopranos I watch the real thing.
The Internet is also a problem. My lover and I were flipping through some site a while back and they have the most disgusting categories. Of course that means I HAVE TO WATCH. I want to know how 80 year old people do it. One time, I clicked on the Virgin category (like you wouldn’t?). And there was a Bijan Mortazavi song playing. I couldn’t believe it. I was laughing so hard I don’t remember what happened with the couple.
No matter what, I cannot stand to watch home made videos. First of all, who wants to watch regular or ugly people with tube socks getting or giving head, in the dark? Not me. And inevitably, very few beautiful and self respecting people would put up their home videos for public consumption.
Gay porn is a whole other world. We all know girl on girl is very mainstream these days. Many couples may have even had threesomes. But gay porn is something else. I can say with confidence I know exactly how 2 guys do it. Isn’t that something? I’m sure one generation back, most Iranian women had no knowledge of this sort of thing. I have a very heterosexual female Iranian friend who really enjoys gay porn. She told me once it’s like having 2 good looking guys at once. I wouldn’t quite take it that far, but it’s very…interesting to watch. I watch that sort of porn with glasses and intensity. I can’t miss a breath. It’s like studying for the LSAT or something. If I blink, I might miss something.
Don’t judge me.
**No editing done.
Ps Note about horny noises mentioned in comment #1: Porn is nothing without horny noises. Even fake ones. I’ve watched it on mute with my parents in the next room and it’s very boring.
