Akhoond in Space

Once again congratulation to Iranian people, especially to the ahkoond Iranians, for achieving another milestone in their scientific endeavor, the launch of a homegrown satellite. As you may recall the Islamic Republic of Iran had previously succeeded in in the hopes of one day duplicating, and quadruplicating themselves to eternally rule over our Islamic land. Also, in achieving construction of a sex segregated park, a task that has never ever been achieved by the most sophisticated societies on this planet. Islamic Republic of Iran, once confident in its scientific ability, has set out new goals for itself in space.

The program received an overwhelming boost from Ayatollah Ali khamenei when he, in nationally televised speech in 2006, outlined the goals as follows:

“We are to win the battle that is now going on around the world between Islam and freedom. Since early in my tyranny, our efforts in space have been under review. With the advice from Hashemi Rafsanjani, the Chairman of the Assembly of Experts, and the head of the Islamic Space Occupation Council (ISOC), we have examined where we are strong and where we are not, where we may succeed and where we may not. Now it is time to take an estekhareh, time for a great new Islamic enterprise, time for Islam to take a clearly leading role in space achievement, which in many ways may hold the key to our future on earth.

I believe we possess all the national Iranian oil resources and talents necessary, especially all the help from Imam Zaman. But the facts of the matter are that we have never made an Islamic decision, or marshaled the resources required for such leadership. We have never specified long-range goals on an urgent time schedule, or managed our resources and our time so as to insure their fulfillment.

Recognizing the head start obtained by the Zionist occupiers of Quds with their large rocket engines, which gives them many months of lead-time, and recognizing the likelihood that they will exploit this lead for some time to continue their illegal occupation of Palestine, we nevertheless are required to make new efforts on our own. For while we cannot guarantee that we shall one day be first, we can guarantee that any failure to make this effort will make us last. We take an additional risk by making it in full view of the world, this very risk enhances our Islamic stature when we are successful. But this is not merely a race. Space is open to us now; and our eagerness to share its meaning is not governed by the efforts of the Zionists. Islam will go into space because whatever the Zionists undertake, Islamic men must fully share.

I therefore ask Majles, above and beyond the increases I have earlier requested for space activities, to provide the funds which are needed to meet the following Islamic goals:

First, I believe that this Islamic Republic of Iran should commit itself to achieving the goal, before this decade is out, of landing an akhoond on the Moon and returning him safely to Qum. No single space project in this period will be more impressive to talabeh, or more important for the long-range exploration of space; and none will be so difficult or expensive to accomplish. We propose to accelerate the development of the appropriate space crafts. We propose to develop alternate liquid and solid fuel boosters to carry an akhoond and his aftabeh full of water to space, much larger than any now being developed in the old Paykan Factory, until certain which is superior.

We propose additional funds for other engine development and for unmanned explorations, explorations which are particularly important for one purpose which this Islamic nation will never overlook: the survival of the first talabeh that makes this daring flight. But in a very real sense, it will not be one akhoond going to the Moon, if we make this judgment affirmatively, it will be the entire Islamic nations. For all of us must work to put him there.”

Meanwhile President MaKHmoud AHKmadinejad said he hopes to be the first Iranian chimpanzee in space.

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