Iranians in Psychotherapy: “Pride worst of Seven Deadly Sins” Dante said

Few years back during one of my counseling sessions with a wonderful Iranian lady, the subject of pride came up.  At the time that Mrs “B” came in for therapy, she had been married for 35 years and had two grown children. Mrs “B” was going through a nasty divorce and was very frightened. She married her husband when she was only 17 years old. The marriage was traditional.  He made the money and she took care of everything else.  Paying the bills, taking care of the house, social life, kids’ school, Dr visits, PTAs and…… 

Mrs “B” did not see herself as a career woman.  “I love to cook, keep the house clean, plant my favorite flowers, and take care of my grand children. I don’t mind hard work, but I have never worked outside the house.  I am very anxious about my ability to earn a living.” She said.

I was surprised because based on what I knew she should have been able to live comfortably after the division of marital assets was completed.  “I thought finances is one thing that you don’t have to worry about.  Did I misunderstand you when you said that you and your husband had X number of dollars in savings and a X number of valuable properties?” I asked.

“No, you did not misuderstand me.  But I have decided that I am not going to ask for anything.  My husband constantly puts me down, calls me “useless”,  “a free loader”,  and someone who can not do anything.  I have to prove to him that I don’t need him.” She said. 

“I don’t get it How would your refusal can possibly help you?”  I asked.

Mrs “B” was getting irritated and annoyed with me.  She shouted ” You don’t understand how important my pride is to me Mina. My pride is everything to me. I don’t want to loose my pride. 

Knowing Mrs “B” and knowing how stubborn she can get, I backed off and said “Well….I respect how strongly you feel about this issue.  But remember:  Pride might promise you many things, but often time it will give you nothing..   

“What do you mean?”  She asked.

I responded “I have a suggestion that I think will help you find out.  For the next three months, instead of sending a check to the electric company, send them an explanation about your pride and your inability to pay.  I wonder how they are going to respond.

At this point I looked at Mrs “B” and She looked at me. And then we both started laughing.  The answer was obvious to both of us.

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