How Iran became a free country II – The Caviar Republic

In part I, we followed a small group of courageous Iranian freedom fighters living in the Western countries and doing most of their activism on These precious sons of Iran-zamin devised a perfect foolproof plan to bring down the IRI, and establish freedom, democracy and eternal happiness for their fellow Iranians and the rest of the world.

This plan was devised by this very small group of Iranians possessing superior courage, foresight and advanced planning skills. The self-recognized value of these individuals to the rest of Iran was not unlike the precious seafood export that Iran is world famous for. The theme of Caviar was thus appropriated accordingly. The activists had used a line art symbol of an oval-shaped tin can with a fish symbol on it. This Caviar graphic became the official insignia of the revolution and was soon copied by all Iranian freedom seekers and freedom loving people all over the world. By the time the election came around, millions of Iranians were placing the symbol on their walls, clothing, cars and websites.

The cracks in the house of lies

In the week after the elections, there was panick all over Tehran and other big cities. Even though IRI had refused to release the raw numbers, word was leaked that only 47% of the people had voted. Just knowing that less than half of the people had voted, enticed almost every Iranian to start challenging the legitimacy of the IRI in small ways. Even the 47% joined in the revolution because even though they were Islamists, they did not want to live in a country that disrespects the majority. The number “47” together with the can of Caviar was printed everywhere.

Back in the Supreme Leader’s compound, a top secret national emergency meeting was being held. Many of the top Mullahs had fled the country, because they had correctly deduced what would happen if there was ever a successful boycott. When Khamenei entered the room, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad by his side, the other attendees collectively gasped and looked at each other with a mix of curiosity and nervousness. The President had never been allowed to attend the meetings of the people who really run the country.

The room was a large, modern gray conference room with state of the art video surveilance and conferencing technology. The monocolored barren walls were windowless. The room distinctly lacked any of the usual decorations normally displayed in IRI buildings. There was no pictures of Khomeini, no maps of Iran, no Islamic calligraphy, no Hezbollah insignia, nothing except the giant British flag attached to a golden stand in the corner of the room.

The supreme leader took his seat. Ahmadinejad also found a seat to the left of the leader. To his left was Ahmad Bin Mansour, the Kuwaiti-born clandestine minister of Arabization of Iran. To his left was the secret head of all military and intelligence, Akbar Hashemi Rafsanjani. Accross from him sat Tony Blair, the Queen’s secret envoy to Iran. Between him and Ahmadinejad sat a still jetlagged Jahanshah Javid.

After the customery “God save the Queen”, Blair got up and pointed directly at Khamenei. “You’ve bloody done it now, haven’t you?” Said Blair. Khamenei fired back in perfect working class accent: “This wa’ent my bloody depar’ment! Why don’ you bug this bloak?” pointing to Javid. At this point Rafsanjani got up and took a short walk.

Yes, Please! Explain to us how a couple of pesky Internet commenters are endangering everything we have fought for in the past 40 years?

I don’t know! They outsmarted my staff by creating fake accounts!

“But how did this happen,” said Mansour. “The Arabization process was supposed to ensure that these thoughts couldn’t occur to people.”

Khamenei, visibly stressed, looked down on the table while holding his forehead with both hands. Rafsanjani answered Mansour:

These people were part of the brain drain, Mansour, they obviously escaped Arabization. They are smart! But all is not lost, we still have the Revolutionary Guards. They might have deligitimized us, but we still have the power.

Ahmadinejad was confused but he kept his mouth shut.
The whole group was acutely aware of the faintly audible cries and slogans being chanted in the streets outside. But none of them wanted to appear as though they are actively trying to decipher the words. To the Iranian nation, these chants were loud and clear however.

khaviar, khaviar,
montazar-eh to hasteem,
khaviar, khaviar,
sang-o be del bebasteem
gorosne-ye to hasteem

The next phase of the revolution

A minivan was waiting outside the banquet hall where the committee for the Caviar Revoution (CCR) was holding their festivities. Gradually the partiers moved outside the hall on the busy Paris street curb. Friends and family were at hand and supporters helped to fill the back of the van with all the suitcases and laptop carriers. Hugs and kisses were dispensed liberally as the committee members took their seats inside the 8 passenger van. The vehicle began moving, the young driver keenly aware that he was literally carrying the Caviar Revolution toward its next destination in history.

“How long will the trip be?” asks Elham, one of the more prominant bloggers from America. “Oh it should be only a few minutes,” said Carlos Darivar. Carlos was a Spanish based Iranian intellectual and one of the most active members of the committee. Though Iranian-born, he spent most of his time critiquing theater, and attending plays and operas in the big show houses of the Mediterranian coast. “Singsing is waiting for us there with the new flag design,” Carlos continued. FK became interested in the conversation. “Excellent!” he said. FK was short for “Fahme Kah-keshani,” a legendary commenter whose reliance on factual evidence and sound logic was respected by all. “I contributed some of the ideas.”

About 15 minutes later, the van arrives at the Montparnasse Milk Internet Cafe. Darivar gets out first and gestures over to the driver, “get the bags son.” The young man is confused:

What? Is this the final destination? Aren’t you going to the Airport?

Haha, no we’ve got this Internet Cafe all to ourselves this weekend. The next phase of the revolution will be directed from here.

Singsing comes out and helps with the bags. The rest of the committe is ushered inside. “It’s perfect Darivar. All thanks to your European connections,” says Singsing.

After they get settled in the empty coffee shop and each stake out a favorite Internet terminal, they all gather around the big screen for the unveiling of the flag. Singsing leads the presentation.

We took an online poll and over 90% wanted to keep the basic colors… yea, even the green… but they wanted to drop the IRI sign obviously!

Everyone chuckles.

But there was no concensus on what to replace it with. We wanted something to convey: Secular, secular, secular! We Iranians are secular and have always been. Also Iran’s glory…. and rejection of Tazi regime. There were several good ideas, so we went with the top 5, and put them all in. In the middle, you see the sign of the Caviar Revolution. Kids in Tehran are carrying this now on their motorcycles it’s all the rage. By the way, I’ve got the copyright thing done just yesterday… Anyway, the Caviar can in the middle… numeral 47 to tell the world that only 47% of the people voted for the IRI which was the first act of freedom… right smack underneath it.

Then, you got your shir-o-khorshid, a must-have emblem of Iran… YES with a straight sword!… hehe… The big Allah with a red lines through it represents our total and complete rejection of Islam and Arabs. And of course derafshe kaviani goes without saying. This one is not just the derafsh but it also has the “Archangel of Secularism” symbol right on top of it. The last graphic on the left is a map of the great Persian Empire under the Achamenids. We’re using this particular version of it because it includes Europe. This way all the children can see that our glory can match theirs! All Europeans see how close we really are. Just like them, we were great rulers and masters of the Universe.

The committee shares a laugh, and then members go back to their stations to start the hard work. Over the next 12 hours, the flag is distributed all over Iran. The team directs thousands of activists on the ground mostly through email, blogs and twitter. Singsing coordinates an eBay purchase of thousands of tons of Caviar arranges DHL to drop ship them in major cities, for young kids to distribute to the crowd of protesters leading to many a memorable Time Magazine cover photo.

During the Fall of 2009, the last pockets of the regime resistence falls. There were many casualties and deaths, which was all acceptable to the revolutionaries. During the constant daily protests and chaos, all neighboring countries and European/American governments were rooting for the revolution to succeed. Not one of them saught to exploit the situation for their own benefit because they knew what would happen to them later, if they did. The Aryans are in charge now, no more fooling around!

Only the British government was on the side of the (former) IRI. Finally after months of struggle the Ayatollah Khamenei was given refuge in the British embassy and was secretly smuggled out of Iran. He now lives in Bristol as a government pigeon feeder.

The Caviar Revolution succeeded.

The Caviar Republic

When the CCR held their last press conference from the premises of the Milk Cafe in Paris, the full extent of their brilliance became clear. They were treated as heros by the world community and people clapped for them wherever they went. But one reporter pressed on for the details at the conference.

reporter: How did you guys know the regime would fall if only 47% people come to the polls?

CCR member: Because, 47% is less than 50% and no dictator can stay in power with those low approval ratings. This became obvious with this act.

reporter: So what about all the other elections when much higher numbers went to the polls?

CCR member: Those numbers are faked. Only about 4-5% of people participate in electoins in Iran, the rest are made up numbers and Pakistani shiites who are bussed in from the border

reporter: How did you know this? What is the source of these claims

CCR member: I can tell you understand nothing from the region. We are real Iranians! We understand these things!! It’s obvious when things like this happen, we are able to tell with great percision, because we just know.

reporter: OK, but how could you be sure they wouldn’t just fake these numbers too. I mean, how can you rely on the regime to provide you with correct turnout numbers which were so crucial for your boycott?

CCR member: Because, some numbers are believable. The regime tends to only make up numbers in such a way as to help the opposition arguments. For example when the young people voted for Khatami in overwhelming numbers in 1997 those results were correct because Khatami’s election was a protest against the system. But later when it became clear that he was just another regime decoy, the numbers from the 1997 elections were faked.

reporter: I don’t understand, was it faked or was it real numbers?

CCR member: It depends. They are real, if they can be used against the regime.

At this point, the confused reporter was removed from the room by one of the CCR staff members.

The Iranian masses were grateful for the brilliance and leadership of the CCR members, and a great many wished for them to come to Iran themslevs. But none of the committee members went back to Iran permenantly. Most continued their summer visits as tourists. When asked in online forums why they were not coming home to help direct Iran’s new revolution, they cited business interests, difficulty in getting time off and tenure-track concerns. Elham once wrote: “we don’t want to be the King of Iran, Iran already has a King. We just wanted to bring our expert strategy of freedom to the masses.”

To be continued in historical epilogue….

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Iranian Singles

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