My Love Affair with Catherine Zeta Jones

The other day I was all alone in the shop and waiting for my first customer of the day, when the door opened, the bell above the door went ding dong, and she walked in.  At first I did not quite believe my eyes.  “Catherina zeta Jones?  What are you doing here –  what can I get for you – isn’t this my good fortune – coffee or tea – you look so beautiful… ” I said, like a man with verbal diahrria.

She looked at me with a smile that only zeta is able to give a man.

“What is your name?”


“Oh, Ben, really?

“I have been in love with you since God knows when zeta.” I confessed to her shamelessly,  “please divorce Micahel and marry me, please, please, please…” I begged her.

“Ben, I don’t know how to tell you this…. but I also feel the same about you.”

“But you just met me a minute ago!”

“Does it really matter, Ben?  Do you not believe in love at first sight?  Why are men so heartless?  Can’t you see my chest is heaving with love?”

I looked at her chest. She was right. It was heaving with love.

I took her into my manly arms and kissed her fleshy lips. I could not let go of her.  She was like air to me.  I needed her more than anything else.  Without her I was nothing but a dead shopkeeper.  With her, in my arms and my lips pressing against hers, I was king of the world.  I was king of the heavens.  I was the only man in the entire universe.  I kissed her long and firm….in a very gentle way. When breathing became difficult, I let her go a little.

I looked into her heavenly eyes and said, “but you’re married my heaving zeta.”

“Yes I am married and I love my husband too. What am I to do?”

“Let’s think about this logically. For one thing, I am not as rich as Michael.

“Oh, he is so rich, you can not imagine.”

“I am shorter than he.”

“Oh he is so tall.”

“I am fatter in the middle.”

“Oh Michael is so fit and trim.”

“As you can see, I am bald on top of my head.”

“Oh, I am in love with all the hair Michael has on his head.”

“On the positive side,” I said, “I have lots and lots hair on my leg.  I quickly rolled up one pant leg, revealing my apish hairy leg.

“Oh please stop exciting me with your hairy leg.”  She bent down and brushed my bare leg with her quivering fingers, her lips parted and breathing quite heavily.

Suddenly the door opened, the bell went ding dong and he walked in.

It was Michael, my archenemy.  The rich, tall, hairy, and  handsome husband of my newest love.

He turned to her and asked her why she was taking so long.  She made up a silly story which immediately shut up the gullible foe.
He then turned and walked very close to me.  So close that his nose was just inches away from mine.  I could see the hate and anger in his dilated eyes. He bent his head to one side a little and said,  “If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?”

I was terribly insulted and very loudly started defending myself, “I have never, ever, poisoned anyone or caused anyone bleed specially while tickling them. I am a peaceful man, I what you to know!”

“Michael stop practicing your lines in public, scaring innocent people.” Zeta jan said in a forceful voice.  Michael slowly retreated and walked away, not before giving me a condescending sneer.  Then he opened the front door, the bell went ding dong and he disappeared into the hazy daylight outside.

I turned to my Zeta, the light of my life, and I found her looking at me with very sad eyes.
“I was in your country many years ago and I fell in love with an Iranian man.  His name was Javad.  Oh my sweet Javad.  I even leant Farsi so I could speak to his Mom and Dad.  But I guess it was not to be.  He died a week before were to get married.  I left Iran and came to America and five years later I married Michael.
I love my husband and I will never divorce him.  I’m afraid to say that as suddenly as I fell in love with you, I have now fallen out of love.” She said, trying not to look into my teary eyes.
She then continued, “when I walked into your store and when I looked at you, I thought I saw Javad.  I was sure you were him. You so much look like him, specially your eyes, your manly arms, and your hairy legs.  Please forgive me,” she said, wiping her wet cheeks.

Please give me two bars of the darkest chocolates you have and let me get out of your shop and your life.
I gave her the chocolates and told her they were my gift to her for bringing me so much unexpected happiness in those few minutes that we were together.  
She smiled and took the chocolates and slowly but with determination turned and walked away.
The door slowly opened, the little bell went ding dong, and I saw her gently melt away into the same hazy daylight that had devoured Michael a few minutes before.
I suddenly felt a cold sweat cover my entire body which made me shiver, and I heard myself say: shotor dar khaab binad pambeh daaneh. Gahi lop lop khorad, gah daaneh daaneh.

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