“I don’t want’em”

“I tell ya’….I don’t want’em,…I don’t need ‘em….pain in the butt….they make the worst clients, I tell ya’, the absolute worst!

They call, all nice and friendly, with their salaamat baasheed and khasteh nabaasheed, and all that bullshit…then they try to butter you up with asking you what city in Iran you are from, and telling you that your city has the best people, anywhere in the world…then come the questions:

’Vat do I hafta do? How do you do this? How long you have to wait for that? What form do you need for applying for a green card for a new wife? Do you do, whatchmanacallit… prenuptials? What do you charge for that?

I am bacheh koshtaargaah,…shomaa bacheh kojaaee? Remember, you will have to give us a discount haameekhaaym moshtaree besheem…I see,…arz beh hozooretoon keh,…the family has pressured me, and I think I am going to cave in, and marry this poor little girl from Iran, and bring her over…it is more of a humanitarian move…I have a soft heart, you know….that’s my curse, a soft heart. My mother seems to vouch for her…I keep telling my Mom, I don’t usually do girls over 25 (the one she has picked for me is 32).

I know I , myself, am 52, but everyone thinks I look 35. Nobody believes me when I tell them my age… Haalaa, khodaaeesh, how much are you going to charge me for the whole thing? I have many attorney friends, you know. I am talking about koloft attorneys haa…American attorneys,…Jewish attorneys, who have breakfast with the Grosvenor every week…they come in and buy rugs from me.

They tell me ,’Moe, (…aakheh esmam Mamadeh)…kholaaseh,..myaan meegan, Moe, you ever need anything, come to us!’…jooneh mamad ageh dooroogh begam…but I am Iranian…I think, we Iranians don’t back each other up…don’t support each other enough…that’s why we are in the mess we are…so anyway…I thought it is going to cost me a couple of hundred dollars to bring this girl over,…sagkhor deegeh,….I might as well pay a fellow Iranian to do it…’

He talks non-stop for 20 minutes. I finally come up with an excuse to stop him, and say goodbye. He says he’ll get back to me. In the next few weeks, I get half dozen calls from him,and two unscheduled office visits. Never paid me a dime. Always a new question:’ I don’t want her know that I own my house. She can’t claim ownership of the house, can she?’

‘You, I feel very close to. You are like my brother. Even more dear than my brother. I swear. My brother cheated me over my late Dad’s inheritance. You have been nothing, but a dear, dear friend, I tell everyone.

So, I wanna ask you, between you and me,…suppose I bring this girl over, and, you know,…she doesn’t turn out to be the wife I wanted her to be…you know, you never know these days…if that happens, can I revoke her greencard and ship her back?’

That was six months ago. I just ran into him at the Immigration office. He wanted to hide himself, but I caught him, and said hello. I asked him what happened to his wife to be.” Chee shod pas mamad aaghaa? ’Well,’ he says,’ I knew you were busy, so I didn’t want to disturb you. I got my son to download all the forms from the internet, and we just filled them out ourselves.Valee, man baaz ham baraat kaar daaram haa…maadaramo daareem citizenesh meekoneem, yeh chand taa soaal daashtam….’

So, you are asking me if I want to advertise my services on Iranian directory websites, and have Iranian clients? The answer is a resounding : Helllllllllllll Noooooooooo!!!”

– Anonymous Iranian attorney, turning down the offer of being listed on www.iranian-lawyers.com the largest directory of Iranian-American lawyers in the US


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Two weeks later, the attorney has a change of heart, and signs up. “Iranians,” he says,”you can’t live with them and it is illegal to shoot them.”  🙂

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