iranian* idiot

Since the late 1990s, this website has championed itself with the motto “Nothing is sacred”. I’d like to put that to the test, by writing this column. In this article, I’d like to propose the following hypothesis: That Iranians are not only entangled in a pitiful state of existence, but that they are currently and literally incapable of pulling themselves up from their pathetic way of life; they are idiots.

Now again, not all Iranians fall into this categorization. Some of the most baa farhang people on the planet have lived and do live in Iran. But the majority do fit this class of modern hoi polloi: The Iranian idiot.

Here are my observations in support of my hypothesis:

1. They accept religion, not as a way of improving their lives, but as a violent political ideology. Maybe the Sufis (like Rumi and Attar and Bastami and Hallaj and Shah Nematollah) got it right, but theyve been eradicated by the current regime.

2. Accomplice. Even if they didnt and dont accept it, they’re still OK with it, by practically shutting up and keeping quiet about it. How can you keep quiet, when your imam says your Jewish friend and fellow countrymen is najes?

3. Clueless. They bought the promises of Khomeini when he said he would “bring the oil money to the people’s dinner table”. Did you people even check to see if the man even had a high school degree? Could he even tell the difference between benzeen and naft?

4. Gullible. They not only fell for the same exact promise from Ahmadinejad (bringing oil money to people’s tables), but built Khomeini a glittering golden shrine comparable only to Imam Reza himself in Mashad. For what? For saying that “economy is for donkeys”? For mass executions in the 80s?

5. They saw Khomeini’s face on the Moon! On the Moon! of all reasons to support a revolution against the Shah. (I mean, wtf?) Talk about superstition! Yeah, this is the same Moon which the prophet Muhammad himself split in half, and nobody else on Earth but his group saw or recorded this event.

6. They love ghor zadan and negh zadan. It’s as if Iranians enjoy a negative outlook on life. Always trashing everyone they can. Look at Jalal Al Ahmad. He was literally invited to Harvard by Kissinger as a fellow. Yet he goes around writing “westoxification” shit in return. You can easily sense his hatred of western ideals in his writings. No respect. No appreciation for anything.

7. They LOVE fighting their own kin and pulling their own countrymen down for ideological reasons. It’s funny I should mention Jalal Al Ahmad. Look how he got treated by Khamenei et al! It seems, pluralism has no meaning in the Iranian mind. Either my way, or the high way!

8. They embrace Velayat faqih as legit. And if they dont, they still accomodate it by accepting it and quietly living with it. Didnt you abolish the crown? Only to have it replaced by a turban-crown? What gives?

9. They let IRIB and the regime’s media easily brainwash them. For 30+ years now theyve drilled in messages like: Israel and Jews are evil. As if other nations have clean hands in their history. Just look at the number of anti-semitists on this website. But then again, Iranians have a history of jew hating. How dare they claim to be the chosen ones! We should! We are Sayyed-e Olaad-e Peyghambar!

10. “Sho’aar-e mellat-e maa: Marg bar Amrika!” Death to America? Why? What did they do to you? Did they not literally build your higher education system? Who do you think “Jordanne Ave.” in Tehran is named after? Who founded Iran’s first modern medical school? You hate America so much? Then dont be a pathetic hypocrite, sending your offspring here for college, then getting him a green card and passport! Send him to Payam-e Noor of Jamkaran! What makes u think you deserve American tax payers to pay for you and your kind here, when you despise the system from the bottom of your guts? Is it because you use Aftabeh to wash yourself that entitles you to live in America and hate it!?

11. Iranians are a hate filled bunch. Just look at the number of slogans they constantly employ: “marg bar this. marg bar that”. As if the sky’s ass opened, and Iranians fell thru it down to Earth. The Japanese had 2 Atomic bombs dropped on them, and today they are a top American ally. No grudges. No keeneh. But Iranians? NNOOO!! They have a right to be pissed off at zameen and zaman, because….because…Khomeini said so!

12. Iranians continue to let a bunch of uneducated mullahs rule them. That alone is a BIG reason to their stupidity by itself. How can someone who doesnt know the difference between a nucleoside and a nucleotide, go around giving fatwas about stem cells?

13. A culture of doom and gloom. Iranians are always mourning. Look at the damn calendar! Muharram. Ramadhan. The deaths of 11+1 Imams. Yet they kill the living, and worship the dead. Ya Hossein! We love you! But if you were alive, chances are we’d be sending our basiji death squads to murder you and baby sakineh, for daring to challenge the authority of hazrat-e Imam Khamenei!

14. They are self-deceiving. Do you really think that if Mousavi came to power, things would be that much different? He would be kissing the holy balls of the leader in Beyt-e rahbari right now, and still resisting the IAEA! It’s all politics you green fools! Reform has no meaning when the base of the system is corrupt! You want true reform? Separate church from state, so that people can actually build the country, instead of giving sho’ar to please Allah and Seyd Ali (his vice-regent)!

15. They never take responsibility for anything! Why should they? When there is an Imam Zaman that will fix everything, why should we make the effort to make a better country? Let Him fix it! Let the central authority take responsibility. Let the govt clean the filthy joobs! It’s their responsibility. Why should I care about not littering, and keeping our city clean?

16. Hypocrites. They keep accusing others of racism and hatred. They cry for Palesteinians, but look away when it comes to Chechniya or Uyghurs. Just look at how the ordinary Iranian treats Afghan refugees. An Afghan as an equal? Kofr nagoo pesar! Torks are khar. Afghans are thieves. Rashtis are sex addicts. Qazvinis are kooni. But Fars? The Fars are simply the best. After all, they have 7000 years of empires and civilizations! (only to finally culminate in idiots like Ahmadinejad? pleeease.)

17. Disregard for laws. Just look at how Iranians drive! A total fuckin zoo! Funny how the same exact people suddenly become law abiding citizens when living in Europe or the states. All of the sudden, they stop at red lights, dont run stop signs, yield to pedestrians, etc. But when they’re back in Iran? Mageh koori ahmagh?! Jeloto negaah kon, olaaaaagh!!

18. They lie mesle sag. Chadori by day. Slut by night. It’s OK to have sex with your goat, as long as you sport a holy beard, and put on the image of “man of God” holding a tasbeeh on the streets. Only an Iranian can look at TV cameras, and lie to his own people (see 0:30), and claim to have Modiriyat-e Imam Zaman guiding him! What can u say! Not only is lying in Iranian Islam permitted and prevalent, but vaajeb!

19. They put up with a system that treats women like shit. “Your husband cheated on you? Ignore his mistake. Instead, provide more sex to him!” Iranians abhor and detest the treatment of women as sex objects in the west. But it doesnt matter if they themselves use women for group sex, and call them “half brains”! Let alone legalized polygamy. The real nail in the cofffin here is that many Iranian women actually support this backassward culture of repression! Look at the post-Khatami female MPs!

20. Human rights. They call America and Israel the “imperialist aggressors”, and lash out at America for Abu Ghuraib and Guantanamo and Guatemala or whatever they can find in the news. Never mind how they beat the shit out of their own political prisoners in Evin or Kahrizak. never mind the basiji death squads that dont even let families hold a tadfeen ceremony at Behesht Zahra. Never mind the Sufis that have been literally bulldozed to nothing. The bahais that have been exterminated. The Sunnis that have been executed. Didnt Shah Abbas have a group of cannibals at his court? I guess the resident Mullahs at his court were taking good notes then.

21. Twisted identity. We are the children of Cyrus! The remnants of the great Achamenids! Thousands of years of magnificent contributions to humanity! But we pray to an Arab God called Allah, who slaughtered us, killed off our Zoroastrians, built Imamzadehs on top of their temples, and called our people majoos and dhimmi like half humans! Funny is how Iranian authorities nowadays desperately try to outdo each other in using more weird Arabic vocabulary in their sentences. Have u noticed? Just watch half an hour of Jam-e Jam-2 to start murmuring to yourself “what the hell are these people talking about”?

22. Stupid pride. They cant even spell properly, yet they go around boasting about putting a man in space! We have the world’s top students! But our Tehran U are ranked even lower than that of Saudi Arabia’s schools! Let alone Israel’s schools! (Sharif isn’t even ranked!) But not to worry! Says Tehran University’s former chancellor: Iran is third in scientific achievement in Asia! He’s a man of God! he must be right! takbeer!

23. They hate their own past! No really, what country does such a thing, erasing its own past? Havent u noticed? Look at all the TV series on IRIB. The bad characters usually end up having names like Siavash, mandana, farhad, kamran, etc. The good characters have names like Hosein, mahdi, Fatemeh, reyhaneh, …

24. They are bee-tarbiyat! Sure, Americans aint no holy father either. Out of 6 words that comes out of an American mouth, 5 of them are “fuckin this fuckin that, nigga this nigga that, my hoes and bitches!…”. But the point is that they never claimed to be any holy father either! But Iranians? They claim to be God’s appointed govt on Earth! For someone who has ede’a (ادعا) left and right to have a halo around his head at the UN, such shit talking about the US is just plain stupid, to say the least. Forget the mameh and lulu thing. Lets just assume Mr. President was horny that day. These are the barakaat of enghelaab.

25. Iranians cant even recognize their own interests. They always complain about America being in Iraq, in Afghanistan, meddling in the affairs of others. But dont mention anything if Iran keeps meddling in Iraqi affairs, or if Iran has military troops and weapons in Lebanon. Iranians are always quick to blame others for their injustices. They act snobby and keep enriching to 20% (higher than what’s needed for civilian nuclear power), and expect the EU and US to bow to them in respect. Of course there will be sanctions you dumbass! What if you do acquire the technology, and tomorrow, some clown ayatollah (like Jannati) gives a fatwa, declaring halal the use of WMDs against moshrekeen? What guarantee do u have for that? What guarantee do u have that the next day your Imam doesnt wake up declaring WMDs vaajeb “for the cause of Islam”? Decrees can change. Oh, but never mind that Russia is stealing Iran’s 20% share in the Caspian. What matters to Iran is the plight of a bunch of Palestinians that dont even consider Shi’a Islam a legitimate faith. As far as they are concerned, Umar did the right thing to kill baby Mohsen in fatemeh’s womb. khak bar sar-e ahmaghetoon konand ke eenhaa ro support mikoneed. You deserve to be a pariah state.

Maybe in 2-3 generations, we’ll see Iranians that are intelligent and eligible to be taken seriously once again. But for now, Iran will continue to be a country of fools, ruled by fools that stone people to death, and see Jesus Christ in Khamenei. Iran is a country where its president (called the miracle of the thrid millenium) claims that 16 year old Iranians have made nuclear energy in their homes. Not even Bush was that big of a moron.

Iran is simply a country of idiots. “Nothing is sacred”? Well then there you have it.

* by iranian, those iranians are meant that see all the tyranny and horrors of the current regime, and yet continue to defend it and its policies. apology to all those kind hearted humanists that happen to be born in Iran, and dont let tribalistic nationalism clutter their judgement into supporting this abomination of a government.

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