10 ways to recognize an Iranian closet-Islamist

If you see somebody exhibiting one or more of these 10 signs, chances are you are dealing with a closet-Islamist.

What or who is a closet-Islamist? It is, by my definition, someone who says they are against IRI and it’s ugly record and history, and like a chameleon change color to blend in with your crowd. Yet in practice, when it actually comes down to taking a stand, they essentially support the wellbeing and survival of the Islamic Republic of Iran.

So what are the possible signs?

1. Meet Khodaaye distraction. They are constantly distracting attention away from Iran and her problems, and focusing instead on Guantanamo or Palestinian rights or Afghanistan, or some other anti-American drivel. Someone has to keep reminding them: Aghajoon, bekhodaa 1953 was 57 years ago! Get over it! We’re talking about Nasrin Sotoodeh, You keep talking about Chomsky and global imperialism. We’re talking about Iran’s IAEA commitment, You keep bringing up Hiroshima. Are you stupid or what? Ahmagh joon, even the Japanese are over it! Quit the distracting act! Stop trying to throw a blanket over the gohhhh of Iran’s Islamic Republic!

2. “Americans do it too!” As soon as you bring up some gross human rights violation inside Iran or some prison rape, some execution, some reeshoo baseeji beating some protester, etc., the closet-Islamist can’t contain him/herself and surely starts sputtering: “oh, but they have it here in America too! I see it all the time!” Imagine the look on Judge Judy’s face if the closet-Islamist tells her in court: “Your honor! I beat my wife, because my American neighbor is doing it all the time as well!” Even Ozgal Shalimov understands that just because some shit happens somewhere doesnt give you any justification for what happens in your house! You cant even sell that shit to an Iranian judge! Umm…Wait a minute….I’m wrong, you actually can. 😀 

3. They always talk about reforms. Kodoom reform? How many times does it take for your thick head to understand that cosmetic changes arent going to fix anything when the building has a crumbling foundation? The very existence of a Council of Guardians filtering candidates by itself is screaming at you in the face, and yet you still go and vote every election for one scum or another. (“meegan Larijani is an enemy of Ahmadinejad!”. Fool! Theyre from the same party! Party of Velayat Faghih! Factional disputes dont mean shit when it’s time to kiss the holy ass of the Supreme Leader!)

items 4, 5, and 6 especially usually appear together:

4. “No regime change!” Mention the word “regime-change”, and they immediately call you a “CIA hired lowlife” or stooge or whatever shit they can smear you with. Even if a UN force were to do this, they will vehemently try to throw every argument they can find at you. “Khaa’en!”, “Khod foroosh!”, “Bi Gheirat!” The closet-Islamist has a hand dictionary for fohsh to use against you at all times.

5. “No sanctions!” Someone needs to ask them: wait a minute, how can things get any worse than they have already been! People are selling kidneys just to pay the next rent! And I remember the kopon-e paneer lines as far back as this regime itself!You think if sanctions are lifted, the wealth will start trickling down from above? I think it was Agha Mammad Khan Qajar who once said “keep the people hungry, and they wont have any ability to even think and question you”. Hmmm. I wonder if his advisor was an Akhond! Lifting UN sanctions wont help the poor kid in Yaft Abad. It will help build new schools in Southern Lebanon, and pay for handouts to buy votes in rural areas for the next Ahmadinejad to appear in the “elections”.  

6. “No surgical strikes!” OK. So the US will never land a manned army in Iran. But what about surgical strikes to targets like Sepah Pasdaran facilities, weapons factories, missile research sites? I mean, come on! There’s a thousand different industrial facilities out in the desert controlled by the Sepah that isnt in the middle of Tehran! have you ever been to Natanz? The whole damn enrichment compound is outside the city. Same for the ones in Qom, Yazd, and Arak! Nope, no use talking here either. Deaf ears.  

7. “You are anti-Iran!” OK. so youre against sanctions, against surgical strikes, against any war, …so tell me how is it exactly that you would like to see IRI go away? Sending them a bouquet of flowers and asking them nicely to go? See, when you confront the closet-Islamist with such questions, they immediately change the topic of discussion to YOU: “You havent lived here!”, “Youre anti-Iran”, “Youre a Shahi fossil”, “Youre CIA employee”, “You have failed miserably”, ….They basically try to attack you (instead of your argument), to discredit your argument. Well I have news for you Kos-khols: it’s called AD HOMINEM, and it’ll never help you win any argument. Instead it basically makes you look like Elmer Fudd.

8. “Iran has a right to nuclear enrichment”. NO IT DOESNT! NO IT DOES NOT! That right is meant only for “states that have demonstrated a certain level of maturity” (she said it). If youre a convicted felon, there’s no way in hell they’ll let you buy a gun, even in Laredo, Texas. Iran cant even tolerate it’s own domestic opposition, and has to sodomize political prisoners in Kahrizak with bottles, and jail its own filmmakers for 6 years, to legitimize itself. A country that constantly manages to make enemies out of half of the western world, is not mentally stable or mature. Kids shouldnt play with matches. And stop trying to say that in America it happens too. No-it-doesnt. No fucking cleric or sign or baseeji instructs me in America which foot to use to go inside a toilet and take a shit. That ONNNNNNNNNNLY happens in Iran, where the regime is all the way inside your rectum, telling you how to breathe, eat, pee, fuck, and die. 

9. “Iranian unity!” When you hear somebody keeps talking about Iranian unity and “national integrity”, pay close attention to what theyre saying. Usually what they mean is “everyone should unite with us and our viewpoint! The correct viewpoint!” And by “National integrity” they mean “we will fuck the Azari Torks (and anybody else) who dares even think of autonomy from Iran! Speak Farsi you fools!” The closet-Islamist thinks he is always right, because he is on the side of Haq. Pluralism has no meaning for these people, otherwise why call for everyone to unite? Ask them: would you be willing to join forces with Rajavi’s people? Would you be willing to unite and call for a regime change in Iran? The closet-Islamist has no concept whatsoever about diversity of opinions. They cant tolerate any opposition. That’s why you have their brethren in Iran social engineering the entire fuckin country for 30 years. They want everyone to be a Shia Ithna Ashari loyal to Velayat Faghih. Here outside Iran, they cloak their posture, and put on a “secular” face to rally people around them. Kind of like the way Chadori women suddenly start wearing tight body-hugging red raincoats here. But you can easliy rat them out. Ask them: I’m a tea party neocon satanist lesbian. Can you tolerate and accept me as an equal? If not, then stop trying to sell me your exclusivist ideology (otherwise known as Islam) under the guise of “unity”. Unity my ass. A democracy is not a homogenous body politic, BY DEFINITION. Get that into your thick parcham-e Islam head. 

10. Hypocrites all the way. Tell them Iran is number one in executions in the world, and they quickly point out that “Iran is not the same as IRI!” Then try telling them: OK, then would you fight in an armed conflict against the Islamic Republic of Iran? Then they tell you: “No, I dont want to fight an Iranian soldier”. (aha! So now all the sudden Iran and IRI become one and the same!) The Iranian closet-Islamist has hypocricy written all over his face. He hates America, but loves to enjoy all her benefits. Ask them: OK, so tell me just one good thing youre grateful to Uncle Sam for here in the United States. If youre lucky, you might hear something like: “Free refills!”


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