Kaveh looked long and hard and finally after many years of dating and kicking the tires decided to go to Iran and marry one of those uptown women with highlighted hairdo, stylish manteau and pulled-back head scarf!
She arrived here with 100 Salam and Salavat and all full of herself! Like most new arrivees, she was critical of everything in the US and missed her old neighborhood. She liked shopping though and never missed a chance to go to the mall and buy things. She was so passionate about redecorating their home that every time that I visited, there was something new on the walls; not that I notice those things!
After a few months and once his passion subsided, Kaveh called me to quietly complain about his wife’s shopping habits and as usual I provided unsolicited advice! “Why don’t you help her get a job? Once she starts working, she would be more careful with the money.” He liked the idea. He also complained about how she is not into cooking or other household chores.
“Don’t get me wrong, she knows how to cook. But it is just when we have parties that she puts her skills on display; only for others, not for me! She thinks that I should watch my cholesterol! Also, after the maid cleans the house, she doesn’t want to make the kitchen messy. So I always end up cooking on the grill in the backyard.” I did not have any other advice for him so I just told him that we should do lunch in the coming months.
A few months passed and we finally managed to get together and he couldn’t stop talking about her. “She got a job at Macy*s and was hanging around the pretty clothes and fancy perfumes sections, but she lasted only 3 days! She said that a couple of Filipino women who worked in the same general area gave her the look and were talking behind her back. So she quit! Then she got a job at the Banana Republic. She liked that job better. She got all kinds of discounts for store merchandise and spent all her money on buying things there. It took me a few weeks to realize that it was costing me more money to have her work than to have her sit around!”
A while later, their baby girl was born and I didn’t see him that often, but we stayed in touch and talked about things. Then one morning as I was sitting in the traffic, he called. He seemed a little bit upset. He said that he was taking his little girl to the kindergarten and is going to have a talk with the teachers. Apparently the day before, a group of 6-year old girls were talking and playing and ignoring a little Iranian boy who did not speak English. The little boy got mad and pulled his pants down and pointed to his thing and said in Farsi, “Doodool! Doodool!” The little girls said, “Eeeeuuuu!” and ran outside to tell the teachers. The little boy pulled his pants up and ran after them!
“I don’t know what kind of school they are running. They should supervise the kids all the time.” He complained. I couldn’t stop laughing! What a cool kid! “That kid, when he grows up, will be a trouble-maker!” I thought to myself.
“Why don’t you let your wife handle this? The teachers are all women. They can sort things out. Now they are going to think that you are some hot-headed Middle Eastern guy getting upset over nothing.”
“Oh, you know my wife. She stays up late and is asleep when we leave in the morning. I even take a shower at work to not to wake her up. Although, I like the industrial-strength water pressure at work!” Kaveh worked at one of these companies that provided free food and drinks and snacks for their employees. They even had toothpaste and aloe vera lotions in the restrooms!
I remember that once I was at their home and the little girl wanted to show me her toys in her room. As we walked down the hall, she pointed to the master bedroom and said, “That is my mommy’s room and that other room (the small guest room) is my daddy’s room. My daddy snores at nights and doesn’t let my mommy sleep!”
I know for a fact that women snore too. But their snoring is not as manly as men’s!
I don’t think that his sex life was anything to brag about either. He probably had the “symbolic sex” on their anniversary, Valentine’s, New Years Eve and maybe their birthdays, but not on 4th of July, Norooz or 13-bedar!
Nowadays, he does not complain as he used to because the last time that he called and complained I said, “So she doesn’t cook or clean, is not into sex, has kicked you out of the bedroom and you take showers at work! What a perfect relationship!” I didn’t say anything else. What else is there to say?
Men! Some of us are completely hopeless!
And then there is that little boy who dropped his pants!