A Fictional Tale of a Daring Operation to Find Ahmadinejad and the Missing Cyrus Cylinder!
!دوازده مرد خبیث در جستجوی احمدی نژاد
In a coastal Mexican town and away from the early afternoon sun, JJ was taking a siesta under his big sombrero when his cell phone rang. It was General Petraeus.
“It is Dave, JJ! I need your help.”
Ever since US Army started to run ads on Iranian.com and had a successful recruiting campaign of Farsi speaking people, General Petraeus had called on JJ and asked for help.
“You are not going to believe this! Last night, Ahmadinejad who was under the house arrest since his run-in with Khamenei over the Information Minister escaped his captors and fled Iran. He put on a chador and pretended that he was an eligible woman looking for a husband! But since he is not that good looking, his Basiji captors turned their faces and he quickly got out of the house. He was then assisted by Sargord Pirooz and Soosan Khanoom who were in disguise and pretending to be the flight crew of a chartered Lear Jet returning two rare monkeys to London Zoo who were on loan to Tehran Zoo. They opened one of the cages and let one of the monkeys out and put Ahmadinejad in there. Then under the watchful eyes of the police at Mehrabad who were searching for him, boarded the plane and took off. Once the plane left Iranian air space, Sargord and Soosan Khanoom pulled out an Uzi from under one of the seats and ordered the pilot to head for the US-Canadian border.”
“That is fascinating! Where are they now?” JJ asked as he squeezed some lime into the bottle of Corona.
“To evade the radars, they flew at low altitude over the Canadian border and headed towards the wooded areas of Washington State. But Shazde who was drinking his morning coffee in his backyard and was admiring his dandelions saw the low-flying jet with Iran Air logo and called the Canadian Cavalry Brigade who in turn alerted NORAD. We dispatched two F-16’s and caught up with them over Washington State and ordered the pilot to land in a nearby municipal airport. But in a daring move, Ahmadinejad parachuted out of the plane with the smuggled Darius Cylinder and disappeared in the highly dense wooded area. The plane landed peacefully, but there is no sign of Ahmadinejad.”
“I knew that ever since a child, Ahmadi was fascinated by B.D. Cooper and his daring disappearance by parachuting out of a plane with a sack of money after a bank robbery. Then when he got older and became more religious, he had the same fascination with the 12th Imam who disappeared into a well. This is so much like him. Now what can I do to help Dave?”
“I sent the Rangers and the tracking dogs after him. But because of his smell the dogs turned away and ran in the opposite direction! I thought that since you Iranians are more familiar and also tolerant of his smell, maybe you can dispatch a team of your bloggers to the area and track him. I don’t want this guy’s disappearance become as legendary as B.D. Cooper’s or the 12th Imam’s!”
JJ thought long and hard about the problem and then in a “Mission Impossible” like manner, he opened his files of all the bloggers and carefully looked at each of the profiles and nicknames trying to find the best ones for this daring assignment.
He finally settled on his “Dirty Dozen” and dispatched them to the wooded area of Washington State. There were Faramarz (the Nose, who got his nose in the middle of everything!) Esfand (the Blade, who was good with the knife), Mash Ghasem (the Brain), AO (the Veggie, for his survival skills in the woods), DK (the King, for his knowledge of the Cylinder), Anahid (the Nightingale, for her nursing skills), Ari (the Compass, who is good with maps and GPS), Divaneh (no nicknames and for no particular reason!), Monda (the Legs, for her mountain climbing skills), Hamsade (the Cliff Hanger), Red Wine (the Frenchie, for his war correspondent experience), MM (the Kabobi, who could BBQ anything) and Bavafa (the Pilot). Shirin couldn’t go because her piano was too heavy!
The Iranian.com Dirty Dozen parachuted down to the remote and bushy areas of Washington State. They searched for Ahmadi during the day and sat around the camp fire at nights. Red Wine played guitar and sang in Spanish. MM made Kabob from rabbits and birds. AO made salads from the roots and moss! Ari had puzzles and clever anecdotes. Anahid read poems. Bavafa missed his wife. Divaneh told jokes. DK yearned for monarchy. Mash Ghasem talked about Shamlou. Then all of a sudden Faramarz said, “I can smell it! That combination of rose water and sweat of a man who has not showered for days! I remember it from when I was young and went to Mashad and visited Imam Reza’s shrine. I did not want to leave my brand new sandals next to all those dirty shoes! He is somewhere around here!” Then Ari said, “The wind is blowing from the northeast. Just follow me!”
It did not take the Dirty Dozen long to come upon Ahmadi! He was sitting comfortably in the arms of the Abominable Snowman! Ahmadi looked tired and spent as if the Abominable Snowman had taken some liberties with him! The Snowman roared in anger and showed his displeasure as the Dirty Dozen approached him. He threw rocks and pieces of wood at them. Everyone froze when he picked up the Cyrus Cylinder. Even Ahmadi begged him not to throw it. But he did. Then DK in an incredible show of courage grabbed the Cylinder in mid air, tucked it in his shirt and rolled on his back. The Cylinder was safe!
The Iranian.com Dirty Dozen decided that they have accomplished their mission and Ahmadi was exactly where he needed to be; in the loving arms of The Abominable Snowman!
A note from London Zoo: “If you find a monkey running around the streets of Tehran, please kindly return it to the British Embassy. Her mate is lonely and misses her a lot.”