-Hello, U.S. President, we would like you to be the President of our country too.
-What country would that be?
-Iran.
-You don’t want to be a sovereign nation any more?
-Nope! Been there, done that. We can’t get our act together to form a decent government. Thought we’d hitch a ride with you folks. We want to be a state, just like Arkansas.
-I’m afraid that’s not possible. First Iran has to become a U.S. territory, like Puerto Rico.
-Is “territory” as good as “state?”
-To be honest, not really. But you do get a representative in Congress.
-Fantastic! We want to be just like Puerto Rico. Where do we sign up?
-Wait, your representative doesn’t get to vote, only speak his mind. You can’t elect anyone to national office. No senators, congressmen, no say in anything.
-Bummer! On the other hand, we have no say as things are in Iran anyway.
-Hey, you get to be U.S. citizens; that means no visas. And you can elect your own governor.
-We want Reza Pahlavi II.
-Elect Ali Daie if you want; it’s none of my business. But he has to obey U.S. law. Iran will be under our legal jurisdiction.
-Do we get our own military?
-Are you kidding? Absolutely not! We are 100% responsible for your protection. U.S. Armed Forces has your back, and Bill of Rights has human rights covered, so we won’t rape you for demonstrating. We won’t take away your satellite dishes or make you wear hejab. Adultery is OK too; no stoning.
-Speaking of human rights, what about your IRS thugs? They’re worse than IRI thugs.
-I beg to differ. Anyway, no Federal income taxes for territories.
-What a deal! What’s the downside? Do we have to give you our oil?
-Actually, no. If you want to be like Puerto Rico, you have control of your natural resources.
-You’re pulling my leg. What’s the catch?
-No catch. Some small issues regarding offshore stuff, but no big deal.
-Come on; I’m Iranian. What’s the catch?
-U.S. companies would be free to set up businesses in Iran, same as anywhere in the U.S. And any American would be able to buy land there, if you want to call that a catch. Come to think of it, don’t expect handouts for education or other public benefits. If you have poverty issues, joblessness or housing problems you have to dig yourselves out.
-I for one plan to be the ambassador to China, so no worries about a place to live.
-You can’t have embassies either. Remember, you won’t be a sovereign nation. We do all your international negotiations for you.
-I thought you said we have control of our resources. Can’t we sell stuff to North Korea or Cuba?
-Don’t get sassy. Do you want to be a U.S. territory or not?
-Sure, but what if the Federal Government wants to do thinks we don’t like?
-How do you expect to have a say when you don’t have representation?
-You mean if you want to make a naval bombing range out of Ardabil, we can only protest and hope you’ll listen?
-Don’t worry; sometimes we listen to protests. We’re very touchy feely.
-No sweat, then. I have to ask though, do we get to keep Nowruz, chelo kabab, backgammon and Googoosh?
-Make sure you invite me to the party.
-I bet we have to stop speaking Persian.
-No, Farsi is OK.
-“Persian” or I’ll hang up the phone! I love my country…I mean my U.S. territory.
-Fine, “Persian!” Yes, you can speak any language you want in U.S. territories.
-Can we jail people who say “Farsi?”
-Not in a U.S. territory. You’ll have to stay a sovereign state to jail people for grammar.
-Guess we’ll have to live with it. Another thing, grandma wants Koran recitaions at her funeral. Can we keep Islam until she croaks?
-You can sing operas to Zeus for all we care. Just don’t go broadcasting it to the whole town.
-In that case, we’ve got a deal. Where’s the pen?
– Just one more thing. Are you sure everybody in Iran is on board with you.
-100% once you’re done invading.
-Invade Iran?
-Just to get rid of the few who aren’t with the program.
-How many do we have to “get rid of?”
-About 70 million.
-Let me think about that.
