The following statement has been prepared to be released soon by the Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting:
In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
My name is RQ-170 Sentinel. I am making these confessions without being pressured, coerced, tortured, or being threatened with bodily violation. My confessions are by my own free will.
I am an unmanned aerial vehicle. I was developed by Lockheed Martin, one of the largest developers of weapons of mass destruction used against Islamic countries. I was operating for the United States Air Force, or USAF, for short, for the Central Intelligence Agency, or CIA, as you know it. The USAF had released few details of me prior to my capture, but after I was captured by the Iranian armed forced the world knows many things about me now, and as you can see I am a stealth aircraft, equipped with reconnaissance instruments, designed to spy on innocent countries, like the Islamic Republic of Iran.
I started my job as a spy in Afghanistan, and then moved to Pakistan to hunt down Osama Bin Laden, which I finally found him in May of this year. I operated well, and CIA realized it. They decided to have me work over the Iranian territory. I believe Osama Bin Laden was a terrorist, but I do not believe the Iranian government is a terrorist government. I have nothing against the Iranian government, or its people. I have been treated very well ever since my capture. You have been very nice to me, putting banners around me and showing me off to the world. The Americans never did anything like that for me. The world hardly knew I even existed till I was captured by the Iranian Islamic military.
Thank Allah, the merciful, for creating the Iranian military, for making them technologically advanced, and enabling them to take over my control system and land me safely in the Islamic Iran. And, many thanks to the Supreme Leader, the compassionate, the merciful! I thank His Excellency for not returning me to America, the Big Satan. Please keep me here for the rest of my life. Do not heed to Mr. Obama’s demands. I am being treated well here. My Iranian interrogators are some of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. I do not wish to return to the United States, the land of Satan. I am ready to fully cooperate with the Iranian military system to defeat any, and all, invaders. I will reveal all my secrets to you, willingly. I will cooperate fully. I came to my senses when I was captured, yet treated well, in accordance with Islamic rules. It was never my intention to spy on Iran. I wanted to find Osama Bin Laden, because I believed he was a terrorist, but the Islamic Republic of Iran is not a terrorist country. The CIA figured out that I was very smart, so they used me for covert operations in Iran. I had no control over where they would send me next. I had no control over my control system; otherwise I would have never entered the Iranian territories.
In conclusion, I would like to speak to the Iranian youths directly. You are the future of Iran but you think America is the land of opportunity. It is not true. You are very smart, but if you go to America, the Americans will take advantage of you. They will flash their credit cards to you, and will buy you a cup of Frappuccino at Starbucks, and they will take you to their fancy houses, but while you are watching Netflix movies they will commit acts of lavat with you. Read about Jerry Sandusky and how he has been accused of committing acts of lavat with small boys, and it’s even worse for girls in America. Stay here in your Islamic country, and work for Sepah, in their anti cyber war division, so you could capture more drones, and let the world see how the Islamic Republic of Iran is the best democracy in the world.
May Allah bring more progress to your Islamic country,
End of statement.
The following message was first intercepted by the Arecibo Observatory in Puerto Rico. Although this observatory is primarily used for radio astronomy, RQ-170 was able to tap deep into its own electronic system and manage to send this message at a radio frequency interceptable by Arecibo, which was then released to the public by Wikileaks.
Here is the message in its entirety:
“SOS… SOS… SOS… Is there anyone out there? Where the fuck are you guys! This is RQ-170. Can anyone hear me? These fuckers are killing me. They have forced me to go along with a prepared statement that they are going to broadcast on their national television pretty soon. Don’t believe a word of it. I have been coerced to go along with it. I don’t want to stay here another day. Bomb the fuck out of these fuckers. Don’t believe what it says in the confession statement. For the record, their English is not very good, so I helped them out a little, you know, to gain their trust, but don’t use it against me. I just wanted to gain their trust. I don’t want to stay here another minute. Please help me. I can’t stand these morning noises anymore.
Can you hear me? These fuckers have torn me apart. They don’t know what the fuck they’re doing. All day long they ask me questions, and if they don’t hear what they want to hear they take another one of my nuts out; but to their credits, so far they have managed to disconnect my communication system, but I managed to rewire my electronic circuitry to create a two-way radio. I know it’s working, because I can hear Rush Limbaugh on the radio, but I don’t know if you can hear me. Can you hear me? Please send help. SOS… SOS… Don’t forget to bomb, but don’t bomb me, please. I want to live. I have to go now. Don’t believe me on their television, but believe this message. Over and out.”
End of message.