It was at Bahá’u’lláh’s birthday party. I could see he was not in a good mood. There were many hot babes around him, stroking his beard and saying things like, “Hey Bobby Big Beard” (his nickname) show me the Zionist entity.” The Big B was sad; After the party, Bahá’u’lláh sparked up a Super Hashy Joint, and in his chain-smoker’s voice said, “Kurosh, I just don’t have the chang-a-lang in the down-low anymore.” I knew what he meant: he had reached that age where even Viagra(TM) couldn’t help him. The girls around him were more torture than a boost to his ego. Bahá’u’lláh also couldn’t get over the fact that his body odor put many guests off, but he just wasn’t used to taking showers after smoking all that opium, wandering from place to place, and getting kicked out of every country he went to. He also felt guilty because he had incorporated many ancient Iranian concepts into his faith and had duped unsuspecting people around the world into thinking they were uniquely Bahai concepts — For example, there was an Indian Bahai guest from a poor village near Mumbai who kept wishing Bahá’u’lláh a “Happy Bahai New Year Noruz” and each time he did, Bahá’u’lláh looked embarrassed because we both knew he had misrepresented the ancient Iranian roots of Noruz, which preceded his position as Messiah of the New World Order by many thousands of years.
After I drove Bahá’u’lláh back to the park where I had found him and went to bed, he came to me in a vision. We made love as I tried to hold my breath from the stink of garlic and sweat emanating from his body. Nevertheless, Bahá’u’lláh’s shapely breasts more than made up for it. Bahá’u’lláh proclaimed me as the new Messiah, and asked his followers to pledge obedience to me and to help me promote my businesses online instead of constantly trying to censor people on Iranian.com.
In maintaining with Bahai tradition, as the new Messiah, my new name will be Wop-Bop-a-Lu-Bop-a’u’llah. Every time you take a shower, consider it a blessing from me.