Q: Hi Dr. G,
I recently discovered your column and have been “observing” the activity between Persian singles on IranianPersonals. The cue that obviously made me search for a Persian singles website is that i am still single, 28, frustrated and near giving up. Im pretty attractive, which gives me a little ego (maybe too much). To give you a little background about my “successful” relationships in the past…i have had three to non Persian men..I always imagined myself with an American or non Persian, but I ended up getting hurt each time. I felt as though other cultures do not get “brought up” to be married or be serious. Regardless of the culture…I feel like I will never win. The man I want is not reachable or are players or simply do not want me; and the men that would marry me tomorrow I don’t even look at twice. Why is it that I am drawn to men who are a bit arrogant, self confident, cocky… you know the type.
I have passed up many opportunities with men who would have treated me like a princess, but unfortunately I was never attracted to. I mean.. there must be something wrong with me. One guy i dated for two months was so giving, loving…almost too into me, I broke it off after the first excuse I could find. I guess I like a man who keeps me on my toes. I personally think thats not normal or healthy, not for someone who wants to be serious and settle down. But thats is why I am writing you…I need professional advice. I just feel so lost, and wonder if I will ever meet the man who truly wants me as much as I want him. Where and when does one compromise without settling? Please clear up my confusing and tangled train of thoughts…if possible. Or is my issue one of human nature?
Thank you dearly for taking your time.
– Submitted by Roya, 28, California
A: Dear Friend,
Okay. Wow. Where to start?!
First, thank you for writing in. Yes, you do need help, and I’m happily going to guide you in the right direction. Here are some of my thoughts:
It’s not about being Iranian or American or anything else. Men are the same and different across the board. The reason you were hurt has nothing to do with culture, it’s because of the type of men you date. You obviously like the “player.” You are attracted to the arrogant, ever-elusive, emotionally unavailable man who loves himself more than he ever loves you. Why are you attracted to these types of men? I suspect that despite your thinking that you are attractive, you actually lack true self-confidence and self-esteem. Remember, we get what we THINK we deserve. Apparently you do not believe that you are worth a man falling all over you…because, well, what’s wrong with that guy? Something MUST be wrong with a man who falls so head over heels in love with you and wants to be with you all the time…that would be too much! Right?
Believe me, you’re not special. MANY women do exactly as you because they have not yet developed a sense of worth and self-identity. Also, keep in mind that EVERYONE (with very few exceptions) wants to get married and understands the importance of it…not special or different there either.
You’re barking up the wrong trees, mostly because you don’t think you’re worth the right ones. As soon as you realize that you are, you’ll be begging those “nice” guys to come back. And believe me, as soon as you get a taste of a nice guy, you will never go back to the “arrogant, self-confident, cocky” ones! It’s easy to get someone…hard to keep them around.
My advice for you? Take some time off from dating. Develop yourself. Think about what your own insecurities are and how they might be affecting your judgement about men. The more you improve yourself, the better a mate you will find.
Remember (GUYS and GIRLS): Beauty fades, but dumb is forever.
– Dr. G.
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