SCENE EIGHT

Enter MESSENGER.

MESSENGER
Excuse me. American People? Councilors?
Anyone in? I have an issue to raise.

Enter DOORKEEPER .

DOORKEEPER
You certainly do. What are you, man or teapot?

MESSENGER
A messenger, sister, with a message.
From the Islamic republic of Iran. About a peace.

DOORKEEPER
Peace? With a weapon like that?

MESSENGER
Weapon? What weapon?

DOORKEEPER
Oh, I'm sorry. It's the way you hold your cloak.
Is it very sore?

MESSENGER
What are you talking about?

DOORKEEPER
Don't tell me you're just glad to see me.

MESSENGER
Don't be so cheeky.

DOORKEEPER
What is it, then?

MESSENGER
Rod of office. rod of iron.

DOORKEEPER
I've heard about your Iranian rods of iron.

Enter SENATOR.

SENATOR
What is it you want? You can tell me.
Speak up. How are things in Iran?
You like the new president?

MESSENGER
How are things? They aren't.
We haven't seen the president in days.
And our allies are getting damned upright- uptight.
Take things into their own hands,
If we don't look out.

SENATOR
Explain yourself.

MESSENGER
In one word: LAMPITO. Going Operation No Penetration. at lights-out.
Then all the other women followed suit.
Barriers up, drawbridges closed. Frustrating.

SENATOR
So what are you doing? You men?

MESSENGER
What d'you think? Going round, bent double:
You'd think we were carrying candles in a gale.
They stand there, laugh, won't put on their hijab
Till we make some kind of universal peace.

SENATOR
It's a conspiracy. They're all in this.
Every woman in the world. Now I understand.
Look, we're in their hands. No time to lose.
Go back to Iran, tell them to send a mission.
Bring the Israeli and the Palestinians too,
Let's get on with peace, once and for all.
I'll see to this end. If you have any trouble,
Do what I do when the Assembly asks awkward questions:
Unveil the front and show them your evidence.

MESSENGER
Anything. If it brings relief.

Exunt.

(Back to top)

SCENE NINE

MEN'S CHORUS
Damn mosquito, buzzing, biting,
Swimming round beside my eyeball.
Don't just stand there. Ow! Be careful!

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Manners! Goodness, what a monster!
No mosquito, more a hornet.

MEN'S CHORUS
Thanks. It nearly gouged my eye out.
Eyes are running. Can't stop crying.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Let me wipe it. Kiss it better -

MEN'S CHORUS
Not in front of all these people.

WOMEN'S CHORUS
Do as Mummy says. Don't argue.

MEN'S CHORUS
Women! Always have to get your own way.
Twist us round your little finger.
Can't live with'em, can't ignore'em.
Let's stop fighting. Come to Daddy.
Hand in hand. That's right. Let's dance now.

Dance. From now on, MEN'S CHORUS and WOMEN'S CHORUS are united.

CHORUS
Smile, ladies and gentlemen.
Those happy days are here again.
Malice and insults? No, no, no:
This chorus turns its back on woe.
What d'you mean, `Big deal'?
I'll tell you how I feel.
Who needs a loan? Yes? You, sir?
I'll tell you what to do, sir.
Once peace is signed
I think you'll find
You needn't pay back - don't ask me how -
One penny of the cash I lend you now.

Now, dear friends, before you go,
There's a party after the show.
Rowdy and hearty? Rude and loud?
Of course not. An upper market crowd.
Good food? Not half -
A fatted calf.
Who wants to come? Yes? You?
I'll tell you exactly what to do.
Take a bath, dress smart -
You've got to look the part -
Then hurry back as if you owned the place,
And find the door slammed in your face.

(Back to top)

SCENE TEN

Enter AMBASSADORS, attended. Men

CHORUS 1
Good sirs of Iran, Israel and Palestine, welcome. How now? What's up?

IRANIAN AMBASSADOR
What d'you mean, what's up? This. Men

CHORUS 1 I see the problem. Getting bigger all the time. Too much of a strain. Something's got to give.

PALESTINIAN AMBASSADOR
Spare the diagnosis. Make the peace.

Men CHORUS 1
Here's our delegation. Something's up here as well.
It's an epidemic. Does everyone walk like that?

CITIZEN
Someone fetch LYSISTRATA, at once.
We can't go on like this.

CHORUS
It is an epidemic. Do you shake before breakfast?

CITIZEN
It's drastic. I even stopped eating my wheaties.
If something doesn't happen soon-

CHORUS
Cover that up, for Heaven's sake.
Remember what happened to Bobbit? C
hop, chop, chop.

CITIZEN
Don't remind me.

ISRAELI AMBASSADOR
What is all this? What chop?
Ah, that chop. Cloak, man, NOW.

Enter SENATOR .

SENATOR
Your Excellency. Gentlemen. Hard times.

IRANIAN AMBASSADOR
I wish people wouldn't keep saying that.

SENATOR
Well, gentlemen, down to business.
What brings you here?

AMBASSADORS
We want to talk peace.

SENATOR
Well, so do we.
I think we ought to call LYSISTRATA.
She'll sort it out.

AMBASSADORS
For god's sake call her, then.

CHORUS
No need. She must have heard. She's here.

Enter LYSISTRATA

SENATOR
LYSISTRATA, good man. Er...

CHORUS
It's time now. Time to be
Hard...
Soft...
Enterprising...
Thoughtful...
Persuasive...
Accessible...
All things to all men.
The men are here: from both sides of the Globe.
They're in your hands. It's up to you. Speak now!

LYSISTRATA
It won't be hard, if they're ready to shake hands
Instead of going for one another's throats.
We'll soon find out. Bring Reconciliation.

As she continues, RECONCILIATION is fetched in.

Bring the Iranians over here. Handle them gently,
Like ladies, not rudely, roughly,
The way our husbands do.
Palestinians here, Israelis here.
That's right, take their hands.
Those are their hands?
Now, fetch the Americans.
Over here. That's right.
They want their `hands' held too.
Now, gentlemen.
Stand straight and listen.
I am a woman, and I'm not a fool.
I know what I think. And it's this.
You ought to be ashamed. Everyone of you.
We're all humans here. One family. One heart.
We love, we hunger, we can't live apart.
Only one battle needs to be fought,
Defeat ignorance, poverty, give that a thought.

ISRAELI AMBASSADOR
Have you seen that girlie?

LYSISTRATA
You sir, represent my nation, and you've made me cry,
You revenged your holocaust on another nation, why?
The blood you spilled, the homes you broke,
"We're surrounded by enemies" was all you spoke.
Now that they've agreed, that Israel is legit,
You won't get off your high horse,
You don't give a shit.
Listen to me sir, we've had it with your lies,
Your policies of hatred will lead to our demise.
Same goes for you sir, my Palestinian friend-

PALESTINIAN AMBASSADOR
At your service little lady.

KALONIKE
Habibi, shave of f that beard,
Update your fashion darling, the Castro look is out.

LYSISTRATA
Go on Kalonike, you tell him.

KALONIKE
And stop calling us ladies, little!
While you play politics and pose for flashing lights,
Our children go to jail, where's their human rights?
We demanded self rule, to lead better lives,
Not to replace the dagger, with a new set of knives.
The obsticles are many and helping hands maybe few,
But we must come together and build our nation anew.

IRANIAN AMBASSADOR
Is she in the crew? We would love to help-

LYSISTRATA
Iran is hardly in a position-

IRANIAN AMBASSADOR
What's wrong with my position?

LYSISTRATA
You won a revolution, made a tyrant bow,
You cried for freedom but look at you now.
You kill your writers, force women to hide,
Whose laws are these, that people must abide?
Then there're the bombings, and terrorist attacks,
You deny them all, but we all know the facts.

SENATOR
Yeah, LYSISTRATA, you tell'em.

LYSISTRATA
You're just as bad or maybe even worse.
Super power of the world, you alone, of course.
Telling every nation how to do their business,
Either using guns, or dollars in their faces.
When it comes to profit, we close our eyes,
No evil can tarnish, our economic ties.
Then all of a sudden, off we send our men,
Fight for our freedom, kill other free men.
Stop selling arms, stop making wars,
Shake hands with your pal, time to hit the bars.

IRANIAN AMBASSADOR
She has got a beautiful point.

SENATOR
You should see from here.

LYSISTRATA
We're family. We're friends. We owe each other.
Why are we fighting? What's your opinion sir?

PALESTINIAN AMBASSADOR
What a fantastic pair of - ah, conditions.
Conditions, before we agree.

LYSISTRATA
What condition?

PALESTINIAN AMBASSADOR
The borders, these curves here.
Strategic importance. We want full control.

ISRAELI AMBASSADOR
No chance.

LYSISTRATA
Oh, let them have it.

ISRAELI AMBASSADOR
And what do we get?

LYSISTRATA
Name it.

ISRAELI AMBASSADOR
This area. From the peaks up here
To the fine terrain down there.

PALESTINIAN AMBASSADOR
You're joking.

LYSISTRATA
The terrain is big enough for both of you.

PALESTINIAN AMBASSADOR
My plans include stripping, ploughing...

ISRAELI AMBASSADOR
I was going to suggest a fertilization scheme.

LYSISTRATA
Why not make peace...and together share the work?
If that's agreed, shake hands here now
And then put it to your allies.

SENATOR
Don't worry about our allies. They are fully poised,
To enter similar negotiations.

IRANIAN AMBASSADOR
So are my allies. No flabbiness down there.

SENATOR
Then we're all set.

LYSISTRATA
Right. Go inside and get ready for your interviews.
CNN, Nightline, and pay per views.
When you've said it on TV,
When you've promised to be good,
We will welcome you just the way you would.

SENATOR
Come on, this way.

IRANIAN AMBASSADOR
No, after you.

SENATOR
Get on with it!

RECONCILIATION
There can never be peace without justice,

CHORUS
Or negotiation without celebration!!!!

Chorus Dance and celebrate .

The SENATOR and CITIZEN come out of the central doorway, drunk.

SENATOR
This way. Mind the door. Whoops!
Why are you lying there in heaps?
Want me to singe your bums for you?
I shouldn't be doing this. You souldn't be watching.
It's vulgar. What d'you mean you're enjoying it/
Oh well, whatever the public wants.

CITIZEN
Wharreverapublicwants.

SENATOR
Move, I said. Layabouts. Stir yourselves.
Our guests are on their way. Home from dinner.
We don't want them stumbling over riff-raff.

CITIZEN
Proper gents. Thass what they are. Gents.
Did you see them drinking? Hollow legs.
Mind you, we din do so bad ourselves.

SENATOR
Of course we dint. Take it from me:
If you don drink, stay out of politics.
Thass what politicians need: big drinks.
I mean, you know what we're like when we're sober:
Yap yap, nag nag, row row. And afterwards -
Your head's like a wrung-out sponge;
You seem to remember something...what?
Total disaster. But when you've had a few, like now:
Everyone smiling, everyone clapping and cheering,
Sing us the old songs, give us another.
Shh! They're coming. Our friends. Our guests.
Get out of the way. We don't want riff-raff.

CITIZEN
Gerrout of the way. They wanna dance.

Enter AMBASSADORS.

IRANIAN AMBASSADOR
Where's the music? Shove the plug in. I feel like dancing, like singing. For all our friends in America. And at home.

CITIZEN
Yeah, DJ, give's a blow.
I wanna watchim dance.

CHORUS
All's well that ends well. Everyone, dance.
People of the world, seize your chance.
Now lovers together, husband with wife,
Step so lively in the dance of life.
Pray blessings. May they never cease.
Fruitful lives, good sense, unending peace.

Music. Dance.

Exeunt omnes.

THE END

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