Iran's new secret weapon
JAMES DEFENCE WEAKLY
Published by James Misinformation Group Ltd,
Knightsburr Cottage, 529 Drearyspot Lane,
Queensbottom, Oxnerd, UR1 EZ1,
By Gaz Anne Farr
Our Special Correspondent
Washington, TURKEY -- A disturbing new weapon has been added to the already menacing arsenal of the Islamic Republic. Sources in Teherehehan close to James have recently confirmed that the weapon is being developed by a top-secret agency run by the Revolutionary Guards.
Made up of very young and highly skilled weapons experts, some of whom are said to be younger sons of government officials, the team is purported to be using latest materials and Western technology to develop the next generation of the weapon.
James' contacts in the region have managed to acquire a copy of the weapon's only known plan, code named "Tir-Kamoon-e Simi". According to our military language experts "tir" means "arrow". But the full meaning has not yet been deciphered. This, combined with the weapon's unusual shape and apparent function have dumbfounded experts from the CIA to CNN.
Documents obtained by James indicate that the weapon has a lethal range of well over 200 metres, causing a stinging sensation in the target's torso and buttocks, rendering the victim powerless and, in some cases, blind.
The fast speed (upwards 160 mph), accuracy, and minimal production cost have raised serious concerns over the military balance of power in the region.
"Piece-of-crap Russian Chernobyl-Class reactors, state-of-the-fart Russian submarines, DiscoYears-Class Russian fighter planes on loan from Iraq, rusty Russian tanks made by factories that now make Kitkat bars, and now this," said Charles Billmiram, a senior analyst at London's International Institute for Strategic Scams. "If I were King Fahd, I'd stay on my 200-ft yacht off Monaco until an effective deterent is found. And I'd buy me a nice, juicy, stake."
Published by James Misinformation Group Ltd, Knightsburr Cottage, 529 Drearyspot Lane, Queensbottom, Oxnerd, UR1 EZ1, YUK 4952 October 29th 1996