Hell no more

Hell no more

N. Bojnourdi
The Iranian
May 1997

Words are against me. I can't even write to myself. I desperately want to get something out of my mind, something that has bothered me all these years, but I guess it's not that easy. I used to do it! yes! I'm so behind in life. I can see the gap between myself and my entire existence - behind manners, behind love, behind myself... I don't want to list my faults, my life is full of mistakes. I don't have to do that. I know it, and it's destroying me, I suppose.

You see that person who's holding her foot, and a cigarette between her shaking fingers? Who's biting her nails between her teeth and not moving at all? I assume that she is dead, or she wants to be dead, because I touched her and she didn't notice it. I held her and I felt her freezing body but she is still. She is not in this world. She is nowhere.

You see that girl? I think she is staring at a wall... hmmm ... No. It's not exactly a wall. I guess she is not looking at all. Her eyes are open, but she is not looking. She is staring but she is not looking.

You see that girl? You see that poor girl with the cigarette, with the freezing body, with the brain full of nothing, with the distorted heart full of pain, with the empty eyes? Well make sure you see her, see her face, see her eyes, see her pain - because that's me.

I'm watching her and I'm leaving her. I have to because I'm impatient with her immobility. Because that girl is broken and that's why I can't stand her anymore. I can't stand to be with someone who makes her life miserable. No. I don't like her attitude, and especially I don't like her perspective on life. Nope. Not at all.

But let me tell you something about her life . A few years back when she was alive, when she was brave and full of life, living was like looking at the breathtaking portrait of a woman, so incredible, so unsuitable for reality but so real. We were moving forward, looking and looking to find the best way to live, to think better. Everything was perfect from that day; the day of light.

We had the biggest smile on earth and eyes open wide as the sky. We jumped around and let our spirit flow through the air. Yes, on that exact day suddenly something got our attention, something wonderful, new. The more we looked the more we were filled with rapture. It was winking at us and we were confounded by it. We were so proud of the moment... we just glimpsed, and said, that's it. From that moment life was optimism. We had to go, to rise with no fear.

We were so touched by an image of Simone De Beauvoir - "we clung so long, so desperately to that word freedom." There was no stumbling, just looking ahead at the expanding horizon. So we decided to forget other plans for a while and find out about the light. We chased the light...

It really didn't take that long to realize, to know, that it would fade. But hope was still with us. Until we saw a tunnel on our path. We thought that in order to find the light we just had to pass the tunnel. Okay. We went in, we looked inside and, my goodness, it was the darkest place we'd ever been.

Panic. The tunnel was cold and wet. But we'd been through a lot so we weren't giving up and we didn't. But days and days and days were passing and we couldn't find the light.

Panic. Hope was still with us but I was so sick of the darkness; it was so cold and wet. But we didn't complain. Well, obviously we didn't even talk to each other for days because talking didn't help a lot. Finally we saw the way out - oh god we were so happy we were running and clapping our hands and crying and laughing together and we were getting closer and closer to the end.

We started walking very carefully, step by step, getting closer and closer. We started to feel warmth in the air. Oh what a great feeling that was. We took the first step out, with eyes closed because we were not used to the light. Took another step and we were out of the tunnel but our eyes were still closed. Our wet, heavy eyelashes slowly opened ...Oh hell! I couldn't believe it! There was no light! We saw a desert under a red sky, and that was the end.

We couldn't go back because we had already missed the train and ahead of us was nothing but a meaningless desert. We sat and cried together. We weren't going anywhere. She got used to the situation after a while and never moved . Years went by and we were in the same place near the tunnel in the desert.

But today I was looking at her and realized how much I hate her. Hate her attitude. Hate her life. I hate everything about her. She was the one who made my life miserable and I won't take it any more. I don't want to say a word to her. Oh well, we haven't done that in ages. I'm just trying to get up - it's hard but it's not impossible. I'm going to make changes in my life; live a better life.

Oh look, its raining...

You see that girl? You see that girl with the cigarette, with the freezing body, with the brain full of nothing, with the distorted heart full of pain, with the empty eyes? Well make sure you see her, see her face, see her eyes, see her pain - because that was me. I'm leaving .


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