Angels belong to the heavens, Pedar-jAn
By Ghasedak Parandeh
November 24, 1998
Pedar-jAn, do you remember, that cold winter day, when I stopped by
your home, our home, 7:30 in the morning, to plead with you for one last
time to attend my wedding? Do you also remember that you stared at me with
your cold blue eyes and said "No?" And do you remember how you
showed me the way out without saying another word? How well I knew the
way out of that door and how painful it was to go out one more time without
having your blessing. How I cried so bitterly on my wedding day and many
days before and many days after. Years later I still can not understand
why you refused to give your blessing and I know you still can not understand
why I got married regardless.
I remember that day all too well. You asked "Why? Have I been that
horrible to you?" I wanted to say no Pedar-jAn, you have been wonderful,
but now it is time for me to fly. How could you give me wings and expect
me not to? You were the one who brought me to this "Land of Freedom"
because you said no daughter of yours should live in a land of oppression
and darkness. You said you would do anything for me and that I am the love
of your life. You looked at me with your beautiful blue eyes like I am
the whole world to you and I believed your eyes and I believed your words.
But when I asked for your blessing you denied me what seemed to be a small
request. And I have always wanted to ask "Why? Have I been that horrible
My marriage was far from perfect (as you predicted) but it was also
cursed (as you intended). How I wish you had let me go before I exchanged
one cage for another. I had to cut that emotional umbilical cord that was
tightening around my neck harder every day. I was so tired of doing the
"dance of deception." I was not, nor could I ever be, the kind
of daughter you wanted to have. I chose the wrong way out, but at the time
it seemed to be the only way. I had learned to choose to love a man rather
than myself. I am no longer married. On the day of the divorce my ex-husband
said "Your father won,"and I replied "He did not win, you
lost." Today I am still wondering who won and who lost.
You did not like my womanhood. You wanted your little girl who wrapped
her arms around your neck. I had to move away and find myself, find this
woman I had become. I had to learn to love myself and fight my battles
and challenge my perceptions and grow and put my arms around a few other
men before I would find the one. Why did you have to be selfish when it
came to loving me? Why did you have to grab so tight? Why couldn't you
accept me as I was? Why did you want me to be an angel?
We live on earth, Pedar-jAn. Angels belong to the heavens. Why was my
sexuality, my independence, my individuality so hard for you to accept?
Pedar-jAn look at me, all of me: I am not your innocent virgin daughter,
I may fall in love with the wrong men, I can not cook, I will not marry
through an arranged marriage, I will not agree that double standards are
necessary evils, I will not pretend that I don't enjoy earthly pleasures,
I will not live a life of lies. I ask you Pedar-jAn to please give me your
blessing now. Bless my womanhood. Bless my humanity.