December 21 2000
Origins of Persian fur
Making fun of hairy Iranians is a shameful activity ["Persian
Iranians not funny"]. Don't you understand? Don't you know how
much money we spend on Nair, razors and cream, laser operations and other
hair removal methods? Don't you know our history of hair?
The Persian Empire has fallen on its knees exactly for that reason.
Too much hair! Iranians (or true Persians as some may call them - and please
humor me and do not ask what a true Persian is) during the pre-Islamic
Persian Empire must have had no hair. Or at least no body hair.
That is why Alexander the Macedonian (aka Eskandareh Maghdoony aka Essi)
attacked us and burnt down Persepolis. He had heard there are really cute
"booloori" people there.
Now imagine if the Hakhamaneshi soldiers had a lot of hair: would Alexander
dare attack? His warriors would probably have ran all the way back to Athens
if several of today's hairy Persians would have run over their camps completely
naked, armed with risho-pashm and their very own fur coat. That would have
been the wrath of the gods!
Remember Zeus & Venus were very unhairy and the other Gods seem
completely "kooseh"! Alas that was not the case and we got attacked.
But we survived and overcame Essi's conquest and continued as the Persian
Empire - still not hairy I might add.
That may have been one of the reasons the Arab armies decided to attack
us couple of centuries later. Arabs were hairy. We were not. They decided
to share the blessings. As a result, today, we not only do not have a Persian
Empire but we have also become hairy.
I really don't know who my true Persian jaddo-aabaad were (like some
1,400 years ago) and how hairy they were. But I am fairly certain that
somewhere along the line some sheikh inserted his genes into my lineage
and thus gave me the beautiful 100% Persian fur coat.
I knew that probably Essi and some of his soldiers may have contributed
to the Persian gene pool, but I am certain that the sheikh's contributions
have more visible signs today. As if that was not enough, a while later,
Changiz Khan came along and contributed Moghol genes to the PGP (Persian
Gene Pool) and really complicated matters.
I do see a relationship between the Moghol Cashmere Wool sold in the
world's finest stores and our Persian Fur. Didn't you know the latest
rage in women's fashion is called Pashmina? I think they owe us royalties!
So bottom line, I am planning on taking my issue up with the International
Tribunal at the Hague and sue the Macedonians, Arabs, Moghols, Afghans,
Russians, Turks and Chechniyans for creating "unsafe" living
conditions that have caused the fall of the Persian Empire, our hairy covers
and abuse by the fashion industry!