Washington to establish United States of Iran
U.S. appoints James Rubin as governor of Iran
By Fred Goozman
April 1, 2003
The Bush Administration has declared Iran's Islamic regime in violation of United States Resolution FU-UN 142 and accused that country's ruling mullahs of destroying millions of barrels of Shiraz wine. This afternoon President George W. Bush sent a letter to leaders of Congress detailing America's plans for an immediate Allied military campaign against Tehran.
The President's letter, released by the White House, reads:
"... For nearly a quarter of a century, tyrants in Tehran have repeatedly defied the wishes of the international community for the free flow of Shiraz wine. Despite all our diplomatic efforts to find a peaceful solution to this threat to our national and world security, Iran's ruthless mullahs have rejected our final offer to either drink with us, or be dunked by us.
"Therefore, the United States has built a broad international coalition consisting of Malta and Halliwineburton with the intention of enforceing Resolution FU-UN 142 which demands the immediate resumption of wine exports.
"We warn the Iranian regime NOT TO SET FIRE TO THE VINEYARDS. Any attempts at destroying these precious lands, which belong to the people of Iran, of course, will only strengthen our resolve and result in even greater punishment against the perpetrators.
"When our courageous forces liberate that oppressed nation and establish the free and democratic United States of Iran, former U.S. Assistant Secretary of State James Rubin will rule the country as its governor to ensure stability in international wine markets."
Contacted at his home, Rubin confirmed his appointment. "I'm extremely honored to have been chosen by the President to serve my country and bring freedom, democracy, and every other good thing, to this vital region of the world," he said.
White House sources say Rubin was offered the governorship of Iran because of his intimate knowledge of that country through his wife, CNN Chief International Babbler, Christiane Amanpour. "All I can say is God bless America," she said in reaction to her husband's appointment. "This is Christiane Amanpour reporting complete loss of journalistic credibility and integrity," she added.
In Tehran, the regime's response to President Bush's road map to so-called United States of Iran has been rather confusing. "Qadametoon roo cheshm," ("Please stick it to us. Please, please!") said Iranian leader Ali Khamenei in a letter to the U.S. president. Iran's supreme ayatollah, wrote,
"... I will be honored to hand over all powers to the representative of the greatest, most tolerant, most wise, most sincere, most caring, AND most powerful nation on earth. God knows how thrilled I was when I heard your letter read on CNN -- the most trusted name in news. I opened the window and yelled, 'May God destroy us all for being such fools. God bless America.'
"Mr. President! We have made Iran a living helll for our people, we have stripped them of their human dignity, played with their lofty aspirations, eliminated and imprisoned our critics in the thousands, slammed false, extreme, idiotic and thoroughly medieval laws down people's throats in the name of God, ruined the economy, proudly transformed Iran and Islam into two of the most hated names in the eyes of world public opinion and still refuse to give our own turbaned president the authority to pass sweet gas without the consent of my ruling circle of small-minded, ruthless, stubborn, morons.
"Therefore, Mr. President, the time has come for us to pay the price. We repent! We submit to your awesome will. In the words of a great Persian poet, "Ghalat kardeem, goh khordeem." ("We're sorry. Really sorry.")
Iran experts at U.S, intelligence agencies have not yet confirmed the authenticity of the letter. They say they stopped trying to understand the real intentions of Iran's leadership a long time ago, and frankly they don't give a damn any more. "It's time to kick butt," said one senior administration official. "The United States has a monopoly on the truth and we're going to bomb the living hell out of any country that refuses to implement what we know is right."
Meanwhile people around the world -- other than those shown on CNN, the most trusted name in news -- remain in shock. They cannot believe their planet is literally crumbling. Leaders of the free world are acting like messianic tyrants while religious madmen and vicious dictators claim moral superiority and enjoy growing popularity among angry masses.
"Is there anyone on any side of global conflicts prescribing anything other than death and destruction?" said one observer. "All we see is vengeance, hatred and daily erosion of common sense and compassion. The world has become a deadly battleground for the worst of us against the worst of them. What an ugly spectacle. How utterly terrifying that the fate of humankind is in the hands of those who see not even in black and white, but only in black. Come to think of it, some Shiraz wine might do us good. Cheers to life, love, hope, peace, common sense, and the human spirit."
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