"Duh, who do we support if America bombs Iran?"
By Peyvand Khorsandi
February 6, 2002
George Bush's recent speech (a communication device he's yet to master) about the
"Axis of Evil" was worrying less for the threats it contained than the
question of identity it posed some Iranian-Americans: "Duh, who do we support
if America bombs Iran?"
Their answer of course is America, but before reaching this conclusion certain pro-Bush
Iranians have had to rationalise the prospect of their country of origin being attacked
by the US as a just cause. But such apologists for American imperialism have first
to calculate how many relatives they have left in Iran.
Case: Dr Jon Mashangzadeh, Orange County, Pay or Die Medical Institute:
"I have dozens of cousins trying to study their way out of Iran, a grandmother
I've barely ever met, uncles with mental disorders -- you get the picture. Love them
as I do, I could easily think I'd hardly miss them if they were all blown to smithereens
by a daisy-cutter."
thinking precipitates "To Hell With Iran" syndrome.]
"Uncle Hasan and Aunt Jamileh are stuck in Iran which is ruled by the ruthless
and horrible medieval Moslem men in beards. If it wasn't for those horrible men we
wouldn't be here in the first place. Bomb the fuckers. Bomb them and Uncle Hasan.
Sorry amoo, survival of the fittest, you're ass has to go, won't make much difference
to the rest of us. As for my cousins: guys, I know you're young, I love you, but
Deepak Chopra assures me that there is world beyond here where you too can prosper.
The sooner you go the better.
"What matters post-September 11 -- what really, really matters -- is my condo,
my health insurance, my ever-so-hard-earned pay checks, bank manager, security for
my wife and children's star-spangled future, my web-porn subscription and plastic
surgery to keep us ever younger to enjoy our privileged life a tad longer."
[This leads to "Pom-Pom Brain Syndrome" where the patient exhibits a Mike
Tyson-like grip on reality.]
"Iranians who come here should appreciate that in their own country they
could be hung or jailed for criticizing the government. What gives them -- gives
anyone -- the right to challenge what the President says here in the States?
"Iranians like that give us all a bad name. They
appreciate nothing. They take everything this country has to offer and they want
more. It's greed: give them freedom of speech and they want to use it! There is no
place for greed in America.
"What did Iran ever give the world anyway? Americans invented Shakespeare,
Yeats and line dancing. It makes me proud... You know what I say to the critical,
liberal Iranians scum who happen to have US college degrees? I say go back to your
medieval country or we'll stick you in Camp X-Ray."
God bless Enronica.