..................... By Gojeh Ezaafeh March 7, 2002 The Iranian After the pronouncement by George that Iran is part of the "Axis of Evil", I sat stunned. A lot if us were further hurt when Bob Costas, the NBC announcer re-mentioned the "Axis of Evil" label during the opening ceremonies of the Winter Olympics, as the Iranian ski team carried the IRI flag into the arena. At that point I pretty much lost it. I wished (again) that the Iranian government was not the way it is. Look at us, we used to be called Persia! I'm really really sorry, but the six stupid people at the top of Iran's clumsy ill-conceived out-of-touch-with-reality, religious government, have simply got to be told that their "services" are no longer needed. They should pack up their things and move away, far away, and fade into the Zagros sunset. Careful the door doesn't slam you in the ass on the way out. Get rid of these six assholes and I swear everyone else in the country will go back to being normal. The last 23 years have been nothing less than an embarrassment to all Iranians both inside and out. Hostages? We don't take hostages for Chrissakes! People take us hostage! And when did we get so goddamned religious? What happened to Mey and Eshgh? Is it me or don't the miniature paintings depict beautiful semi-clad women flittering around every man as he slams down vodka shots! Hell, Cyrus himself is rolling over in his grave saying, "What have these pieces of shit have done to my lovely empire?" Iranians don't care about Israel, Palestine, or exporting some stupid half-baked religious ideals. And for all the marketing, PR and ads by the IRI, about how the U.S. is the "Great Satan", the only part the people have heard is that the U.S. is "Great". These idiots are so un-Iranian that they don't even know that we love it when people are devilish. We call our kids "sheytoon" and we think it's cute! I meet other dads and we brag about how sheytoon our kids are! Taxi drivers are saying openly they hope that the US attacks Iran next. Over 75% of Iran's population is now younger than this retarded congenitally degenerate 23-year-old failed experiment. They don't understand why they can't be free, when everyone else is. They don't understand what was so bad about the Pahlavis, cuz the clothes and cars from that era sure look cool! Worst of all they can't stand not being able to express the simple joy of being young. They surely must be ready to bust! The youth look hungrily to the U.S. for Pop culture, PlayStation, Michael Jordan Nikes, McDonalds and sexy music videos. So what would we do if we could? I say we give the people what they want. I say we give them a new country. I say we rename it, re-package it and give it a sexy new makeover. We have all the ingredients already there just waiting to be dusted off, shined up and put back on the shelf for everyone to enjoy. I introduce to you, The United States of Iranica! First we've got to change the flag. I say we make a new flag just like the U.S. flag, just swap the blue for green and reduce the stars to the number of provinces 24 or 28, I think. The old flag is boring and too reminiscent of bad times, first the sun and lion flag reminds me of the Pahlavi era and SAVAK, and now the Allah fringe on the same flag is of course way too scary. Sure, it will look just like the U.S. flag, but that's the point! Acceptability. Next we need pop icons. Of course we have that too. You want a Madonna, we got a Madonna, her name is Googoosh. The beauty of Googoosh is that she's at once Madonna, Britney and Barbara at the same time. And with the new do, she's got a little of that Annie Lennox thing going too. Perfect! Cool clothes and cars? Just go to LA, they have been keeping the tradition of Pozzing going for the past 25 years so this should be really easy to re-introduce. From what I have heard about the wild parties in Tehran, who knows, we may even learn something new! You want Hollywood? Yep! We've got that ready to go as well. Take Kiarostami, Makhmalbaf, Majidi, and Kimiaie, give them some decent money for a change so they don't have to shoot in those freaky villages anymore. Oh and we've got our own special effects guys (did you know that the special effects for such Hollywood flicks as "Twister", "Spawn", "The Perfect Storm", and the recent and upcoming Star Wars sequels have Iranians at the helm?). Now I know this is going to piss off some of you, nevertheless I argue that we need it if we're going to be accepted back into common world society. Many of you have been perturbed at the sudden emergence of Reza Pahlavi. I look at it as a necessity. In the U.S. they have the Kennedys. For better or worse we've got the Pahlavis. C'mon, everyone knows that at the end of the day it doesn't really matter. Do what I do: think of Reza as merely a younger Prince Charles. If that doesn't bring a smile to your lips, I don't know what will! Okay! So let's see what else we need. Ah yes! A government. No problem. We're not really used to government doing anything anyway so the standard doesn't have to be that high. So we can quickly slap together an ineffectual two-party system. We'll call one party the Persepoliticians, and the other party the Tudeh Party (just for nostalgia) and to finally shut them up. The Persepoliticians will say they are for progress, but they will secretly be made-up of Qajar monarchists. The Tudeh Party will say they are for the poor, but will be made up of rich businessmen. Are you starting to get it? Okay, so what else? Ah, a thriving, trend setting, spicy Gay community you say? After all what is New York without Greenwich Village, LA without Santa Moanica, San Franshishko without Castro district? No problem, just open some Cappuccino bars, Techno Clubs, reasonably priced boutiques, modern furniture shops, and track lighting stores in Qazvin, and you're all set! Throw up some Bed & Breakfast Inns near Karaj and, I swear, it'll be just like frickin' Napa Valley! I'm not even going to touch putting High Technology in. That's too easy! Just drive through Silicon Valley on any sunny day, and read the license plates on the Porsches, Beemers and Benzes. We've got so many software people that we could actually write our own decent code and create a virus that cripples it! I'll bet you that if all the Iranian tech people quit on the same day and moved back to Iran, this time we could be on the winning side of a whole different kind of embargo! So you see, we're not that far off. Sure we have a small problem, like overthrowing the current leadership and putting this nice new and improved one in it's place. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Details, shmetails! Just remember that it only took three days the last time we had a revolution. Oh and don't forget: the happy, helpful young and beautiful men and women of the U.S. Army are right next door in Afghanistan! And you know how enthusiastic they are. Always ready, always there for you, willing to lend that Yankee helping hand! I'm sure they'll be only too glad to swing by on their way home! Comments for the letters section