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Just shoot me!
Iranian family values

April 24, 2001
The Iranian

My wife had a big fight with my mom and left me two months ago. She said, "I had it with your mom. She is a witch. I can't take it anymore." My mom got so pissed, she left a week later. She said, "As long as you are married to that bitch, don't expect to see me around."

My sister had a big argument with my mother-in-law over some Persian food recipe -- they are not talking anymore.

Dad got in a fistfight with my father-in-law while discussing sports. My father-in-law happens to be a die-hard Persepolis fan. My dad, after a few drinks, announced to every one at a party that all Persepolis fans are homosexuals. My father-in-law and my dad are sworn enemies now.

My brother-in-law sued my uncle over a bad investment tip. At the same party where my dad got into trouble, my uncle, also under the influence of alcohol, told everyone to buy shares of a company called, "ohbigboyspankme.com". The company went belly up and my brother-in-law lost his fortune.

Nobody in the family is talking to each other.

Life can't be better. Finally, I got myself some peace and quiet. I come home every night to my empty apartment, order pizza, drink beer and listen to my arteries clog. It's okay. In my book, dying of a heart attack is better than a nervous breakdown caused by so-called, "Iranian family closeness."

I already hear some of you saying, "Oh my God. He is attacking the very essence of Persian society. He is attacking family unity now." Screw family unity. We are not going to die, or vanish and Persian civilization will not come to a halt without the family. We are members of a seventy-million-strong dysfunctional family suffocating in the name of family unity.

I'm not educated or smart and, as you can see, I have not acquired much common sense. However, I'm observant and I constantly question common "values". I have noticed that our Iranian family closeness has nothing to do with family or closeness. It's not as much about caring or loving as it's about an uncontrollable desire to know about other people's business.

It's a surveillance tactic to keep an eye on other members of the clan. It's a great tool to find out who's doing what. It's important for us to know who in the family is doing better than us and why. It also gives us momentous satisfaction and comfort knowing that other members of the family are as screwed up as we are. It makes us feel better about ourselves.

Take a deep breath; this is gonna get worse.

Growing up in an Iranian family, in early adolescence, we must constantly measure up. There is intense competition between us and other kids in the family. A cutthroat competition fueled by our parents.

We are forced to strive for academic greatness. Nothing wrong with that except our parents don't care much about us learning as long as we're getting good grades. We measure success based on how well our kids do at school in comparison to other kids in the family.

It's what I call educational show-off. It's not really important if our children are a bunch of unimaginative, social retards as log as they are academically out-performing other kids in the family. And if they are not, hell will break lose.

"Olaagh! Look at your cousin. He's getting all 'A's at school. He's the top student in his class (shaagerd aval) and you are flunking every subject. Idiot! You're not my son. I'm sure the milkman stopped by."

We continue to mess up our children under the umbrella of family values. Our children observe and learn our pretentious demeanors and apply them in their own lives. When time comes for our children to choose their mates and start their own families, we set arrogant standards for them to follow.

Guys in the family have to bring in brides blessed with incomparable beauty, wealth and education. And of course, all the girls in the family have to marry rich guys. We all want millionaires attached to the family tree. No one wants to take a poor schmuck to a family party and introduce him as the son-in-law. Imagine all the laughs and rumors.

Once we start our own family, we are now officially initiated into the delicate and strategic alliance with the sole purpose of obtaining information -- sneaky information about other members of the family. Information about who's pregnant, who's dating, who's screwing, who's marriage's falling apart, who's kids are on crack cocaine, who's happy, who's miserable, who's faithful, who's cheating, who's sick...

God bless the Iranian family. Without it we would have lost our one and only source of pure entertainment.

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